Chapter Nine
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Shinji could feel his heart lurch sharply as they walked down the corridor, all fatigue pushed to the side by a surge of adrenaline, and sudden, nervous fear...
//Sister suit... Geburah... what?//
The only thought that came, a stupid one without reason or logic behind it, was that Rei might still be alive somehow, that he might see her again....
Shinji knew it was nothing more than an idiot's fantasy, knew that this suit must have been for Asuka... unless, somehow, /more/ children had been found...
//More lives wrecked, more people destroyed...//
A question struck hard amidst his mind's muddled wanderings, a completely random thought, out of the blue... and since he was now walking next to the man who could answer the question, and too tired to care how it might be taken...
"Why did you tell Kaworu Nagisa that Lilith was Adam?"
The question had come to the dark-haired man, in a moment of contemplation on his way back to the base, tired mind skimming over the insane, dreamlike turn his life had suddenly taken... that if Kaworu had gone down to Lilith, he /must/ have thought it was Adam, and realized only too late...
//He let me kill him then... rather than search out Adam later. It wasn't necessary, not then... he wouldn't have been able to merge then, but he still let me kill him...//
It was an important distinction, somehow, though Shinji didn't know quite why. The fact that Kaworu had chosen to end his own life, though well aware that victory was /not/ within his grasp...
The man in the gray suit paused, staring at him with a look as close to confusion, curiosity as Shinji had yet to see.
"What?"
"Kaworu Nagisa, Tabris, the seventeenth angel... you sent him to NERV /knowing/ what he was, and telling him Lilith was Adam. Why? Why did you do that?"
The gray-haired man had unreadable eyes, though something slightly troubled seemed to pass through them for a moment, before he shook his head -
"I don't know, Mr. Ikari."
- and continued walking.
Shinji believed him, the abrupt, half-hesitant tone in his words speaking of truth, and that belief drew a thick underline into suspicions that were already as good as fact in his own mind.
//He would have tried to cover it up, if he really knew something, but I don't think he did... He really /wasn't/ one of SEELE's top members, no matter how intimidating he seems now. I wonder... how much he knows at all?//
Shinji felt a tickle of nervousness against his spine, shoulders tightening involuntarily, and though the gray-haired man wasn't watching him, was now walking in /front/ of him, the pilot knew his question had /not/ been brushed aside. The man in the gray suit was certainly pondering his words, the possible reasons he may have asked what he did...
//It doesn't matter...// Shinji thought softly, almost proudly for a moment. //No matter what he thinks, no matter what conclusions he draws... he could never come close to the truth.//
/It doesn't matter... not even if Kaworu /is/... still... alive./
The pilot had no more time to ponder, as they reached the end of the hallway, the gray-haired man stepping through a door that opened automatically before him, Shinji following, with Toby and Lae in tow.
It was waiting for him, just as Tiphereth had been... gleaming softly in the same way, beneath the fluorescent lights. Shinji knew immediately, from the deep red material just visible beneath the burnished gold of the outer armor, to the darker red, nearly purple sheen of the high-cut boots, curving up past the hips, there was only one person this suit could have been designed for.
//Asuka.//
"Mr. Ikari... may I introduce Geburah, Tiphereth's twin star."
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Shinji didn't want to look, didn't give a damn how the suit had been created, but he couldn't help but notice the differences, especially the three thin, deep crimson lines running from the waist up along the front of the suit, seemingly connected to a low pack, streamlined but still visible, curving down around the hips, trailing down further along the spine...
"Destroy it. I want this suit destroyed /now/."
Shinji's words were sharp, harsh, gave no quarter... but the man in the gray suit acted as if nothing had been said.
"How long has it been, since you've spoken to Miss Langly?"
"Since... the end of NERV..."
Shinji didn't wince, frowned as the past snapped back to the present, every memory fresh and raw, completely exposed, the last decade blunting none of the memories.
"I mean, before the end of NERV... when she fought... there was an Angel, and she... was incapacitated. I couldn't find her, not after everything that happened, although she's sent me... I know she's alive."
The gray haired man nodded, though Shinji's stomach twisted at the glimmer in his eye, possibly only his own imagination, of reproach, disappointment... had he really done all he could, to track Asuka down? Had he done his best to find her? If he had /really/ wanted to see her again...?
//Asuka knew where I was. If she didn't want to see me, it was all up to her. I wouldn't... it's her call, and if it hurts her to see me... I just don't want her to hurt anymore.//
"Years after the failure of the Third Impact project, and SEELE and NERV's destruction..."
SEELE was destroyed, then ... at least, the old SEELE...
//So... SEELE really was trying to cause the Third Impact, and father, he must have wanted to stop them... and he did.//
"Langly Asuka Soyruu was admitted to a hospital complaining of a high fever, aching limbs, stiffness... on the surface, it seemed to be one of any number of simple illnesses."
Shinji hated being led, hated being kept in suspense.
"It wasn't, was it?"
"Miss Langly is in a wheelchair, Mr. Ikari. It has been almost five years, that her legs have been useless to her."
Shinji shut his eyes tightly for a moment, swallowing a sorrow so thick and cold it threatened to strangle him... Asuka, proud, defiant Asuka on the bridge of her ship, yellow dress rippling in the wind, red hair flung out like a declaration of war...
Asuka, /that/ Asuka, in a wheelchair?!
He might have hated her once, was still unsure what exactly he felt... but cruelty... the /cruelty/ of it, for someone like her... It would have been better to have let her die.
//No... oh Asuka... /no/.//
"Dr. Lae has been the primary scientist in charge of the Geburah project, Mr. Ikari, and he has created a system as part of the suit, to supplant the usual actions of normally functioning limbs, when those limbs have been damaged or atrophied..."
Shinji was silent, still reeling from the blow, of Asuka in the yellow dress, with fire in her eyes, the thought of the girl he knew now trapped inside a body that no longer could do as she demanded. The fiery German girl would /not/ have taken it well, he could not imagine she would have learned to adapt...
//Not without losing... losing a little more, of what had made her shine so brightly.//
"We can give her back her body, Mr. Ikari. We can contact her, and bring Geburah on-line as soon as she arrives here. It's a once-in-a-lifetime..."
"NO!"
Shinji wasn't sure where the rage came from, but it was all-consuming, a snarling, foaming fury that took hold of his soul and shook him hard...
"I'm not letting you bring her into this, to make her fight for you. You won't just give her legs, you won't give Asuka her life back freely... you'll give her nightmares, and pain, and hell..."
The dark-haired man looked down at his tensed, spread hands, the armored gloves of Tiphereth shining brightly beneath the light... he was searching for words, to why this entire struggle might be necessary, but was by no means /right/.
"You'll throw this... this whole shitty life back around her, and this time, she won't ever be able to escape! You'll take her, and you'll use her, and you'll /use her up/... and I won't allow that to happen. I /won't/."
Shinji lifted one hand towards the suit, felt the plasma cannon at his palm open up, aimed straight at the gleaming weapon of red and gold.
"Destroy it... or I will. I'll do it /right n/-"
Shinji choked on the words, unsure exactly of what happened next. One moment, he was standing only a few feet away from Geburah, more than ready to destroy it...
- and in the next moment he was on the floor, the pain of hitting the hard tile secondary to the agony rushing through his entire body, seizing his muscles, making it impossible to breathe, speak, or think...
The dark-haired man choked a few times, bringing his knees up to his chest, curling into a tight ball. He tried to swallow, but his tongue got in the way, and he couldn't seem to move it, gasping, twitching... maybe someone else was there beside him, he couldn't tell. Everything was strangely silent, or maybe it was only in his head...
Shinji tried to at least slow his mind, find some sort of center, thoughts rushing in a cloud... He felt a slight tinge of panic as he tried to stop his twitching fingers, and nothing happened... and the pilot felt his body jerk again... he could barely breathe, knew he was trailing spit onto the floor, but his mouth wouldn't even /close/... what the /hell/?! Oh... he thought he had hurt before, but he /hurt/ now, pins and needles and fire and agony...
A figure kneeled over him, the face barely visible, but Shinji already knew the expression, already knew why he had been punished...
//... memory, inside the cockpit, screaming at his father, shattered beyond pain or anger, for what had happened to Toji... and Gendo Ikari had drugged him unconscious. It was what you did, of course, with children who wouldn't behave...//
"... g... gray?"
It was the only thing he knew to say, though his heart shrank at the cold, complete fury in the gray-haired man's light brown eyes, the way they shone like polished stones.
The choked whisper elicited a small, fearsome smile, and the man knelt closer, his voice a smooth, frighteningly gentle murmur.
"The name is Cate, Mr. Ikari. First name, last, it is of no importance, it is what you may call me, /and/ what Miss Langly will call me, should /I/ choose to pay her a visit."
He held up something in his right hand, Shinji could see it gleam in the light, a rectangular object, slightly larger than a key chain...
"This is my link to Tiphereth, Mr. Ikari, and I assure you, no matter how strong you think you are inside the suit, no matter how high your synch ratio goes, this box will /always/ be stronger."
One finger slid along the space between two raised buttons.
"I pushed the top button, a moment ago. It sends a signal through the suit, to deliver an incapacitating shock to the pilot, the effects of which I'm sure you're still feeling now."
Cate was quite right, Shinji still could not move, though most of his muscles had stopped their involuntary twitching.
"I'm willing to overlook this little incident, Mr. Ikari, but I warn you... do as you are told. If the world will be saved from the Dominions, it must be done by devotion and unquestioning obedience, and not by childish tantrums."
Shinji gritted his teeth, feeling rage fill him though his body remained still, though it cost him in unexpected pain. He might have taken that from his father, might take it from Gendo Ikari /still/... but if /this man/ thought for a moment, that...
"Oh, don't look so angry, Mr. Ikari. I'll tell you now, that you can also spare me any threats. I know you'll fight for me again, I know you'll be back. You may have been a spoiled, selfish coward once, but those days are over, and I think you /will/ fight to prevent Third Impact. You will fight, for your life, and the lives of your friends..."
Shinji swallowed, blood running cold, at the gray-haired man's emphasis on that final word.
"Oh, I can have them killed very easily, Mr. Ikari, with barely a word... and for you, it would be even easier..."
The man's thumb caressed the top of the other button gently, but firmly.
"I press this button, Mr. Ikari, and the suit emits a fatal burst of electricity... and you die." The smile quirked. "I'm not sure if it would be instant, or painless..."
"/Asuka/... /doesn't/... /fight/."
Shinji could barely get the words out, his lips still not wanting to work right, completely unable to pick himself up off the floor, even lift his head... but Cate had greatly overestimated his will to live, his desire for survival, not when measured against his need to prove that when he struggled for salvation, when he fought, someone would be saved.
//I /will/ help you Asuka... I promise... I promise...//
"Just keep fighting, Mr. Ikari." The words were cheerful enough to make Shinji retch, the kindly pat on the back icing on the sick charade. "Just keep fighting, and there's no reason for Geburah not to be confined to the shadows."
Cate stood slowly, moving out of Shinji's peripheral vision. The dark-haired man felt his fingers flex, curling into a loose fist - he was still burning with rage. The pilot found that he could move, just a little, as he attempted to do so... but how long had it been, how many minutes since he had been "reprimanded?"
//... hurts. god, it /hurts/...//
"Get him out of that suit and send him home. We're through here for now." There was nothing but ice at the bottom of Cate's tone, even when he paused. "Oh..."
Shinji blinked at a sharp clatter, the sound of a videotape falling to the floor a few inches from his face. The black rectangle came to rest just in front of his nose, unmarked...
"I thought you might like a little more information, on what happened after you... left NERV. Consider it a token of my appreciation for the night's work."
The dark-haired man could hear the tapping of expensive Italian leather shoes crossing the hall, the swish of an electronic door opening and closing, before Toby and Lae rushed forward to pull him off the floor.
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"Shinji... hey... are you all right?"
Toby tried to keep her voice soft, gentle... heaven knew, there had been too little of /that/ this night. The dark-haired man nodded, but his eyes were glazed, focused only with difficulty, and she could hear Lae struggling to support most of his weight as they pulled him to his feet. Quickly, she slung one of the pilot's arms around her shoulder, and after a few more moments of adjustment, they slowly moved down the hall.
"What the hell was /that/ about?" Lae murmured harshly, still keeping his voice low, even though Cate had vanished. Toby watched the scientist throw a final glance toward Geburah, before turning his gaze back to Shinji, giving the nearly incapacitated pilot a worried frown. It was one of the reasons the woman liked him, despite his apparent cold nature...
Geburah was Lae's suit, his project, his Avalon. She had worked up the official template for both systems, but Lae had spend thousands and thousands of hours on the details of design and programming, just as she had devoted all her time to Tiphereth. Geburah meant just as much to him as Tiphereth had to her, and yet here he was, nothing but concerned for the man who had threatened to destroy it.
Toby's expression darkened visibly, as Shinji's arm trembled involuntarily against her shoulder, one of the fading aftershocks of Cate's startling "reprisal."
"I did /not/ put anything like this into the suit, Lae. You saw my original sketches, my base design... I would /never/ add something that risky, that dangerous..."
//... that cruel, or /inhuman/...//
Toby cut herself off, nearly trembling with rage herself, questions smashing brutally through her mind. How dare that pretentious, pedantic bureaucrat... how /dare/ he think he know better, that he, not even a scientist, that /he/ know how to change her machine. It was infuriating, that Cate dared to believe he had the right, to alter the culmination of all her work, everything she knew of science and art, that he dared to simply tear Tiphereth apart and... and...
"... can I go home now, please?"
Ice water doused the fires of her rage, Shinji's meek murmur snapping her back to the present, the pilot's blue eyes staring up at her warily, hopefully... Lord, he was pale...
"Of course, Shinji. Right now."
They helped him peel out of the suit, gave him back his regular clothes, both scientists noticing the way he shook from time to time, the guarded slowness in his movements, masking his pain. Toby hesitated to ask if he was all right, knew he was hiding his discomfort for a reason...
//He doesn't want to be here... he doesn't like it here, he doesn't like /us/... I can understand why he just wants to go home.//
It was still hard, though, not to go to him, help him... when, with every moment that passed, he reminded her more and more of...
Toby quickly cut herself from those memories, knew they were useless, dead.
//Dead.//
The scientist thought instead of her list, running constantly through her mind now, of ways she would try to adjust the suit's programming before the next battle, to keep Shinji from merging so far into the Tiphereth's systems - the synch ratio was just /too high/ for safety - as well as...
//How /dare/ that bastard Cate to this to him, and to Tiphereth...//
Toby knew exactly why Shinji had been so upset to learn of Geburah. The scientist knew all about the German woman, that she was, if anything, even /more/ emotionally fragile than the other pilot was, if not downright /brittle/... God, some of her low scores, on the personality tests she had initially taken to become an Eva pilot... antisocial, aggressive, quick to anger /and/ act it out...
//If I'd have had to live with /any/ of the people Ikari did, I wouldn't have made it a /week/.//
It was amazing how loyal Shinji was, considering her own negative reaction to Ms. Langley's /file/, how much the man cared for her, how far he'd go to keep her from being hurt...
Cate had used that fact to his full advantage, and Toby knew there was nothing she could do about it.
Of course, the scientist was sure she could find what he had changed, knew Tiphereth as if it were her child, if not even more thoroughly... but the gray-haired man would know if she dared to rid the suit of his "addition"... she was sure this would not be the last time he and Shinji would disagree, you could see it in his eyes, both their eyes...
... and what in the world was on the tape, clutched so tightly in Shinji's hand?
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The dark-haired man didn't stumble up the stairs to his apartment, though it had easily been a decade since he'd been so bone-weary, aching all over, much too tired to think beyond putting one foot in front of the other, pulling his body along through willpower alone.
The thoughts that did come were dark and bitter, with Cate's malicious smile beaming brightly each time the pilot dared to close his eyes, dark, threatening...
//Threaten me... with what?//
It was amusing, in a sick way, that the man really thought Shinji would pilot because he was worried about others, about humanity, that he'd risk another "electric-shock-from-hell" simply on the merits of altruism.
//I /don't/ care, Cate... you are /not my father/, and I won't take orders from anyone else... I barely even took them from him...//
/... but you'll still fight, won't you.../
He wouldn't answer that thought, instead tightening his grip again around the thin, black plastic of the videocassette, hard enough to make it creak, pushing bad thoughts away with even worse ones.
Shinji closed his eyes, breathing in deep as he summoned the strength to climb the few remaining stairs...
Cate had said the tape was his key, that it would give him answers, show him the truth, to what he'd been wondering all this time...
... but did he really want to know? Was it worth the price of returning to that past, of having to see and remember it all so clearly? Shinji already knew it would hurt terribly, that no matter what was on the tape, it would bring back memories he'd long forgotten, and quite possibly more pain than he wanted to bear, even if he /could/ do so...
//It never ends... does it?//
Shinji opened his eyes as he reached the top of the hallway, just a few doors left between the stairs and the safety, the privacy of his own apartment... and he felt his voice leave him in a rush that would have been an exclamation, if it hadn't taken his breath right along with it.
He choked, a feeling of strange unreality, disturbingly familiar, falling down around him with crushing force, nearly bowing his shoulders, buckling him to the floor with its weight.
He had forgotten over the past few hours, in the way that he could never truly forget...
- and if it were true that the mind could only juggle eight thoughts at a time, this one was /always/ in the air, this memory... his smile -
... but Shinji had put it aside, as he had put everything aside in the midst of the fight, surrendering all he had in the hopes that total concentration would be enough to defeat his enemy... the Angel...
//Angel...//
A bouquet of flowers had been placed at the foot of his door, and even from here he could see the paper, white with pale purple and gold trim... It was Brigid's favorite paper, their shop's signature paper... and he was sure if he wanted to ask, she would have remembered selling the arrangement now laying before him.. wrapping it up for a man with soft, strange eyes and a welcoming smile like no other on Earth...
Shinji lifted the bouquet slowly, almost fearfully, as if the flowers had some power far beyond what he could see... but they came up off the floor with a simple crinkle of paper, a steady, even weight in his hand. The dark-haired man stared dumbly at the blossoms, his mind a blank - and he had thought he was numb /before/.
Fragments of sensation came to him slowly through the haze, filtered by his mind into sharply uneven chunks.
So many flowers... and he knew... he knew some of them... didn't he?
//If I ever knew anything... the world, my life, it's all... I thought... this can't be happening...//
Shinji closed his eyes as reality spun and tilted around him, inhaled deeply... Bluebells, the air was filled with nothing but bluebells...
//... everlasting love... isn't it? I thought... I...//
The man opened his eyes, the overload of scent almost more than he could bear, staring in quiet admiration, at how the royal blue wrinkled tissues of the bluebells, the same color as his eyes, had been entwined with a paler blue, a wider bloom... periwinkle?
Shinji's breath caught again, vision graying as he stared at the tiny, perfect white pentagon in the center of the bloom... Ghostly whispers, fragments of old books he had leafed through wound their way through the startled remnants of his consciousness...
//... there's rosemary, that's for remembrance - pray you, love, remember...//
Lily of the Valley, arching over both blue blossoms... the return of happiness promised by the white bells, paired with buttercups...
// - pansies, that's for thoughts... fennel for you, and columbines...//
Buttercups... memories of childhood...
Shinji closed his eyes, fighting against the tightness in his chest, the hot tears he could feel curving down his cheeks. What /was/ this? What had he been given? A declaration of true affection... or some cruelty... Yes, it hurt enough to be cruel...
//... we may call it a herb of grace a Sundays. Oh, you must wear your rue with a difference...//
Kaworu had been here... /his/ Kaworu, who had watched him in the dark and moonlight and murmured "daisuke"... God, what did this mean? A kindness or a curse, declaring love or war? Shinji trembled, imagining... if Kaworu was angry, if he hated the dark-haired man now, for what he had done... if he had come, seeking revenge, wanting only to hurt...
If this was the opening attack... he would not survive the night.
Roses... two perfect, lovely blooms lifted their heads gently, toward an invisible sky. Shinji was sure they meant something as well, though he had never bothered to read up on the meanings of roses...
The shadow of a lover's touch, that was what Brigid had said of roses, the only thing that can come close to that feeling... Shinji gently touched the petals of each, peach and pink, caressed the soft, fragrant petals... and nearly dropped the entire bouquet as they seemed to trap his fingertips for a moment in their soft, light kiss...
His heart was pounding, so hard he could barely breathe, and Shinji leaned back against the wall, feeling nothing, knowing nothing but the cloying, wonderful, terrible smell of flowers...
//If it is gone... if he's given me this, to tell me what's been lost...//
Shinji hitched a painful breath, rubbing away tears even as new ones rose to take their place.
/I would give you some violets, but they withered all... when... when.../
//If he's angry... if he's come seeking revenge, then he will kill me. I will die. I can't bear his anger... I /can't/...//
... but what... what if it was something else? Kaworu had never been one for irony, or anger for that matter... What if these blossoms meant exactly what they said? What if he was being... courted?
//... and will a not come again?
He will never come again...//
Shinji blushed, red hot, though he was still weeping, and staggered away from the wall, the hot tears making it impossible to see...
He had no idea how he finally found his keys, or opened the door, or how he managed to transplant the flowers to a vase, only that after some indeterminate time had passed, he was standing in the center of the living room, the couch to his left, the brilliant bouquet in a glass jar on the table at his right... and he was staring at the black beetle's shell of his television set, the edge of the videocassette Cate had given him cutting into his hand.
He wanted nothing more at that second than to drop the tape, stagger back to the couch, and fall asleep. His body craved unconsciousness, both out of exhaustion and the desperate desire to hide... hide from the world, from the flowers, /whatever/ they might mean... and all he had done... the bridge, the /bridge/, and Geburah - god, he still ached all over from the shock, and Shinji shivered, remembering that Cate had promised him more, if he disobeyed -
//... and I will. I know it, even now.//
Life was change, and once more, that change had completely smashed his small measure of peace, his hope for a quiet, simple life... The new reality had ensured that his life was no longer his own, not if he wanted Asuka to survive.
In a sudden flash of bitter fury, Shinji shoved the tape into the machine, turning on the TV and nearly collapsing on the couch. It took no time at all for the picture to flare into view... and he instantly realized that he had been right, as all those memories came back to him, erasing ten years within a heartbeat...
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"Get the code ready, release it into Balthasar and Melchior as soon as possible..."
//Ritsuko-san...//
"What about Casper?"
"I'll take care of it."
The sound and picture quality were slightly fuzzy, but he was still able to make out everything, watched as Maya Ibuki walked toward him, sitting down at a monitor just below where the camera could see... he could hear her typing at an incredible speed, and behind her, Ritsuko was working just as quickly at a larger system. Shinji watched as she entered command after command, and more and more panels on the screen began glowing red... but there were no alarms, and though Ritsuko seemed tense, it seemed to have little to do with what was happening in the system, she was not upset to watch it fail...
//So, they shut it down... All of NERV, they destroyed all of the data...//
A rumble shook the screen, momentarily reduced the picture to static, and when it came back on, Maya was staring at her superior, both women frozen...
"Unit 02..."
Another sharp shock, though this time the picture wasn't lost. The women continued working, the blonde murmuring the few words almost as an aside.
"Unit 01..."
A final explosion followed soon after, though Ritsuko said nothing, too busy entering another line of code, the last of the Evas destroyed without any fanfare at all. Shinji watched on the screen, as the green section labeled Casper filtered into full red. Ritsuko's lips moved, though Shinji couldn't make out the words. Maya gasped, eyes widening in fear as she stood... Shinji's stomach wrenched, he knew what was coming...
//Ten years ago... this all happened ten years ago... think of it like a film, an old home movie... it's not real, it's not /really/ real... it happened so long ago...//
It didn't matter, even now, he still remembered too much... Remembered the way NERV had been lit, too brightly even to resemble daylight, the scent of the base, and how it varied from room to room, but never lost its base of chemicals and steel, or the way it had felt to run his hand along the seams in the walls...
These were still his friends, perhaps not good friends, not even close... but they were the only friends he had, the only family he had ever known, so much of his life... so much of his life had been nothing but this...
"They're... almost here, ma'am."
"I know."
Ritsuko's eyes were sharp, emotionless.
"Have you finished uploading the virus?
"Yes."
"Good."
Shinji didn't know what passed between the two women, a quiet moment, a long, silent stare, before each returned to their work. He felt his gut wrench again, looking up at the clock, the time and date, so many years... Where had he been then? Where had he been running to, when SEELE had been moving in, and they had been working so hard to...
"FREEZE!"
The shout came in heavily accented Japanese... these were SEELE's black-clad men, straight from the headquarters in Germany. It was as if they weren't even there, as if nothing had changed. Ritsuko kept typing, eyes set on the screen, acknowledging nothing...
One of the men lunged forward, pushing her away from the computer and slamming her to the ground. He never saw the gun she held, and the bulletproof vest did nothing to protect his head, as the blonde dispatched him with a single shot.
A burst of gunfire, Ritsuko was cut down before she could aim a second shot. Maya lunged out of her chair, screaming her the woman's name...
Another shot. All was quiet.
Shinji shut his eyes, though the crumpled forms on the computer room floor weren't that easy to see, not from where the camera had been placed... Death, death never looked right, never looked dramatic enough... real death just wasn't /real/. There should have been something more, something to mark the tragedy as it had happened... some great sorrow shown for the world to see, when two of the best scientists in NERV had been so easily, so quickly and finally erased...
Movement, and shouting, in German this time, as an unarmed figure moved between the black-clad men, stepping around the bodies and up to the computer screen. Shinji could see flecks of blood on the keys and the shimmering picture, wiped a few more hot tears away and wrapped his arms tightly around his stomach, watching, unblinking, refusing to flinch... he needed to see...
More shouting, angry, the scientist obviously attempting more than once to stop what Ritsuko had done, reverse or at least slow the process that was still eating away at NERV's systems... His fingers flew over the keys, but to Shinji it seemed rather apparent that he would fail... that they had come much too late...
Another figure entered, standing just a few steps inside the door. Shinji clearly heard the word "Eva," and by the furious reaction, could only guess that SEELE had just been informed that the mechs had been destroyed. Just before the tape switched between cameras, Shinji heard two words that made his heart nearly stop... a single name.
Gendo Ikari.
He had known, known what this tape would show him, but still... he was afraid to know what had happened, so afraid to see the end... the final moments of his father's life.
---------------------------
The perspective on this new room, as the tape suddenly cut to another camera angle, was nearly the same as the one he had seen before. The room was empty, but Shinji watched as the door suddenly opened, two figures, both carrying weapons, quickly moving into the room.
Gendo Ikari and Rei Ayanami.
//Rei.//
Ritsuko and Maya had used few words, but his father and the Eva pilot used none at all, swiftly moving to separate systems. Shinji could see, from his view of the console, that his father was not finishing Ritsuko's work, that she had done her job well, and the image in front of him was completely different, a map, zooming in... Shinji saw a familiar icon...
//SEELE.//
A shout from outside, the door opened, and without any hesitation Rei turned and fired several shots into the two SEELE soldiers trying to enter the room, sending both quickly to the ground. Gendo turned from his work as Rei moved to the door to shut down the opening mechanism, to buy them a few more moments time...
It hurt, ten years with his father dead, and a wound still ripped open inside of him, at the sight of Gendo smiling at Rei, and the girl beaming back at him...
//... why not me? Why couldn't I have stayed? I tried to do what you told me, I /tried/... should I have disobeyed? Would you have been proud of me, if I had come back, to die with you?//
Nothing he did was ever the right thing, and there was nothing he could ever do, that might make his father care... but that had never meant that Shinji stopped searching.
Ten years later, he was still searching.
More shouting, outside the door... Shinji watched, more windows, more programs appearing and disappearing on the screen in front of his father, too fast for him to follow or understand...
Shots burst through the door, and Shinji held his breath as Rei dove to the side - but she hadn't been hit, and landed on the ground near Gendo's feet. He did not look up, did not move from where he stood, still typing...
... and just as the first of the soldiers stepped through the door, his typing lost its incredible pace, slowed to a crawl, stopped. Gendo stepped back, raised his arms slightly... Rei did not reach for the gun near his side...
"Gendo Ikari."
Shinji didn't recognize the man who accompanied the soldiers, but it was obvious his father did.
"You made such a mistake, Ikari, attempting to take over SEELE like that. Did you honestly think it would work?"
"You've lost."
The man laughed, something Shinji couldn't imagine anyone doing to his father, and out of nowhere, drove his fist straight into the other man's gut. Ikari didn't even grunt, just folded over until he was kneeling on the ground. Rei cried out, leaping at the man who had hit Gendo and getting in a good, solid slap before a soldier could step in, slamming her in the back of the head with the butt of his rifle.
Rei went limp, dazed... and the man caught her, looking at her for a moment, before letting go of the girl's wrists, allowing her to fall at Gendo's side.
"Amazing job on her, Ikari. An unparalleled achievement, even in the ranks of SEELE. You ought to be proud."
Gendo looked up, eyes flat as ever, emotionless in the way that had always made Shinji cower inside.
"It's over."
The man shook his head gently, smiling.
"What, just because we lost the Evas? Because you anticipated us long enough to destroy NERV's computer files? Look around you, Ikari... NERV is gone, and with the Angels destroyed, there's nothing to stand in SEELE's way... not that anything ever could. You of all people should have known that."
Gendo smiled, reached an arm out, drawing Rei closer to him. Shinji shivered at the unfamiliar, unexpected gesture, instinctively knowing things were drawing to a head.
"You underestimate humanity... you always have."
Shinji didn't have time to react, or breathe, or blink as, out of nowhere, the man pulled out a gun, and shot.
Gendo Ikari, the man he had feared and loved and hated for as long as he could remember, the opinion on whom his entire life was based -
my father
- slumped to the floor, dead.
Rei did not scream as his arm fell away, did not cower at the shot, simply looked up... and there was no fear in her gaze...
Shinji shut his eyes, though he knew it would make no difference, the sound of the gun going off seeming to reach down his throat, tear out his insides... and he nearly retched, hearing Rei's lifeless body thump lightly against the ground.
"... and you, Mr. Ikari, never seem to realize when it's in your best interest to /follow orders/."
The dark-haired man watched as the other man moved slowly to the computer screen, typing out a few instructions... and saw the exact moment when he froze, all the confidence slipping out of his expression, his pose, as he continued to stare at the screen...
A phone was in his hand immediately, he was dialing... Shinji could see the color drain from his face as he received no answer... and another call brought the same...
He swore in German, loudly, whipped around, giving orders to the soldiers who quickly ran from the room. The man was completely unhinged, giving Gendo's body a violent kick as he ran out the door...
Shinji leaned forward where he sat, to get a better look at the display, the files the man had opened, that Gendo had kept minimized...
COMMAND X34912VBETA - PRIMARY CHARGES ACTIVATED/DETONATED - TARGET: SEELE MAIN
COMMAND X74561IALPHA - SECONDARY CHARGES ACTIVATED/STANDBY - TARGET: NERV MAIN - 1:02... 1:01... 1:00... :59...
Gendo Ikari, at some point in his life, had been to SEELE headquarters, and had somehow managed to place explosives there, anticipating all that would happen, all that was to come, the eventual schism between himself and his superiors...
He had destroyed SEELE, destroyed everything, and had left less than a two-minute gap before NERV would follow. He had even eliminated the computer systems before the explosion, so there would be no chance to salvage /any/ of the data...
Shinji could hear more shouting, soldiers clearing out... a noise, much closer, and several soldiers led by the man who had shot his father rushed in, one of them holding a long, wide blade...
//He got rid of the computers, the base, but he did not... maybe /could/ not... get rid of Adam.//
The shining blade came down, the soldiers took up the limb, and quickly ran back out the door...
:20... :19...
Twenty seconds of footage, of his dead father, and his dead friend, maybe his mother, maybe his sister...
Shinji stepped back for a moment, and figured he must have been in some sort of shock, to be able to examine it all clearly, to be able to watch the blood continue to seep out of the bodies... Rei's eyes were closed, one hand up near her face, and he couldn't see the wound with the shadow of his father's body so close... it looked as if she were sleeping...
:10... :9... :8...
Shinji could still hear shouting... many of the soldiers wouldn't make it out, though how any of this was a surprise, how SEELE hadn't realized that Gendo Ikari wouldn't go down without a fight... that he would be obsessive, and driven, to the very last moment...
:3... :2... :1...
At zero, the tape went brilliantly white, and as simply as that, it was over...
Shinji didn't know who had been recording, what kind of direct feed had made the tape possible... Gendo had taken out the base in Germany, but America must not have seemed to be enough of a threat to worry about... not that the dark-haired man really considered Cate a threat, not compared to those he had known... those he had been related to.
The gray-haired man may have held all of the cards, but Shinji didn't fear him, didn't really believe he had any of the skill or ability that those in NERV had possessed, let alone the even more powerful chiefs of SEELE...
//... besides, he's already found what he can threaten me with... there is nothing else...//
Cobalt blue eyes cut up to the flowers still resting on the table, but Shinji found he was too tired to feel even that pain, that worry... He could handle no more questions, no more plans... and though the fear and uncertainty were all around him, a lake of sorrows, the cold darkness couldn't touch him... he couldn't focus long enough to be afraid... to think... to drown...
//Asuka in a wheelchair... Kaworu... Kaworu alive... my father and Rei... Asuka... Kaworu... /Kaworu/...//
All the ideas, the images and emotions spun into a dizzying blur, until Shinji knew he had to let them go or lose his grip on sanity.
//In the morning... it won't seem crazy... in the morning...//
Moving to his room was an impossibility with the way he ached now... the couch would be just fine. The dark-haired man turned off the TV, pulled a quilt he had bought on a whim from off the back, wrapping it around him.
He was so tired, but his mind needed to calm down first, come back from that nightmare of the past...
//... don't think, don't think... it happened years ago...//
Of course, it was easier to drown out old problems when new problems were so readily available, just waiting to be noticed.
//Oh shit... I've got work tomorr- today.//
Thankfully, the phone was resting on the low coffee table less than a foot in front of his eyes. Shinji reached out, well aware now of the many aches and pains in his body, the sharp throb of his knee - the suit couldn't protect him from /everything/ - and the scratch the first Angel had given him, the dark red line along his ribcage... He dialed the number, closing his eyes, though by doing so he knew he might fall asleep before he finished the call...
"Hello?"
"Vara?"
"Shinji."
He was too tired to notice, that she didn't seem surprised to hear from him.
"I can't come in today... I don't feel well..."
"I understand... it must have been a rough night for you."
"Yeah... huh?"
Shinji frowned, trying to concentrate enough, to figure out why... there was a bump in the conversation... her words just hadn't sounded right... there was something... how had she known... known...?
"I'm assuming you were out... "socializing," weren't you?"
"Oh... oh yeah... yeah, right." Shinji stifled a yawn, rubbing at his aching eyes. Sleep was a heavy weight on his chest, pushing him back, pressing him down...
"I hope you feel better soon, Shinji..."
"Thanks, Vara."
Shinji turned off the phone, and let it fall to the floor rather than make the effort of setting it back on the table. He could tell by the cool wind that was blowing through the half-open window, that it would rain again soon...
//... should close that... really ought to...//
The dark-haired man yawned, not moving a muscle, no more than half-awake within a few moments. He smiled slightly as the wind brought the smell of flowers with it, the wonderful, fresh scent curling all throughout the room, banishing all bad memories as he slid deeper into hazy, comfortable oblivion...
//Thank you... Kaworu... love you.//
No matter what happened... it would be wonderful, worth the price... any price... to see him again.
//... so tired... of being alone...//
-------------------------
"Sir, I really think... it might not be safe..."
"Shut up and get out."
The scientist squeaked slightly, turned, and fled. Cate didn't bother to watch him go, didn't care. He had hated being polite to underlings when he had been working beneath SEELE's heavy hand, and now that he was in charge... hell with it. Politeness was a distraction, and even /one/ was too many...
One distraction may have been enough, he knew, to cause the destruction of SEELE in Germany... just one simple problem, that no one had thought to fix... and there was /no way/ he would ever go so easily.
Cate walked closer to the orb, now resting on a pillar in the center of the room, only one floor above where Adam and Lilith floated in their liquid prison. Three pillars rose around it, each the same, and each awaiting an orb of their own. Cate hoped the other Dominions would come soon, hoped he wouldn't have to wait as long as NERV often had between attacks...
Truth be told, the man still didn't understand what NERV and SEELE had been up to, what had been the big secret, the odyssey of Adam, Lilith, the Evas...
The Angels wanted Adam and Lilith, so they must have been powerful, worth possessing... and so, at the first opportunity, he had taken them.
He had learned of the first Dominion, found it scouring the ruins of Tokyo-3, and had discovered the orb it held as an energy reading like no other, the source of it's power... also worth possessing...
All that mattered, was that he possessed what others wanted, what was truly powerful in the world.
If legend and myth had ruled, had been any part of this at all, Cate knew the Dominions should never have appeared, should not have been involved in any of this. They were the lawmakers, the rulers of the Angels beneath them, and worked with the minute details of the universe, the realms of fellow Angels, did not interfere with the lives of men...
Of course, Cate still wasn't quite sure who had decided they were Dominions, which scientist had started the hypothesis that had now spread throughout all of SEELE...
The gray-haired man didn't know, couldn't care less how or why or what these creatures /really/ were, what they wanted Adam for or why... All that mattered was the orb, now resting in the case beneath his hand, and that he had a team of people who had built him the means to retrieve the other orbs, and someone to use those means... someone to bring him what he wanted.
//Shinji Ikari.//
Cate hated the younger man, could sense the weakness in him, like a foul stench rising unstoppably from the skin. The young man was idealistic to the point of stupidity, stubborn past any logical necessity, and though Cate had known all along that he wouldn't fail to destroy the Angel, he attributed that confidence more to the suit than to the man inside of it...
//"Why did you tell Kaworu Nagisa that Lilith was Adam?"//
Now /that/ question... that had taken Cate by surprise, and of course had angered him, for there was no way to answer without admitting that he really didn't know.
Very few people knew his true origins, the way he had taken advantage of the chaos to begin SEELE U.S. anew, how he had harnessed the destruction of NERV in Japan and SEELE in Germany, the loss of /all/ of the senior officials, and most everyone just below them... anyone who might have stood in his way...
//... anyone, that is, that I didn't kill myself.//
Cate wasn't an impostor, knew he had the skill, the brains to lead the United States branch of SEELE into the future... but he was sorely lacking in much of the information, many of the most important, and most secret details... since their initial failure with Eva 03, the United States had been left further and further out of the loop, a fact that found a new way to stab at Cate each day.
Kaworu Nagisa, the last angel, who came in human form solely because of SEELE. Why had SEELE let the child survive? Why hadn't he been killed immediately, and /why/, of all things, had he been sent directly to NERV, allowed to get close to the one person who had been trained to destroy him?
Not that Cate really believed Shinji Ikari was anything special, anything more than a slightly skilled pilot with a tendency to be noble in very stupid ways.
Obviously, NERV had believed he was vitally important, and so had SEELE... but the gray-haired man would have much preferred the Second Child for this fight, knew it would have been easier to lean on someone who had already once been broken, someone would know the pain of it, and would choose to bend, rather than face that pain again...
//Time... I've still got time, and there's little Ikari can really do. If I need to, I can always kill him...//
It was too risky, though, to rely too heavily on Geburah, and on the still-fractured psyche of the Second Child, until he was sure Shinji had outlived his usefulness. Asking about Kaworu had been a strange question, but there hadn't seemed to be a motive behind it, nothing beyond the man's own curiosity.
Cate wondered again, as he had many times before, just how much Shinji knew of what had happened... of what benefits there might be, from extracting such information from him.
//Not yet, though... he's still useful, at least for one more fight.//
Cate looked down at the glowing, golden ball, wondered how many more tests it would take, to determine how best to use it... If only he could convince the woman who had designed Tiphereth to change projects... but that was impossible, she was such a bleeding heart, useful only because that unnecessary compassion was outweighed by her scientific skill.
The gray-haired man was honestly surprised he hadn't heard from her yet, over what he had done to the suit, to the man she would undoubtedly refer to soon as "her pilot"...
//Waiting will be so tedious. I want to know, I want to have the orbs, and get rid of Ikari and /finally/ finish this.//
So many years... when his chance finally came, even the patient Cate was finding it hard to hold back, difficult to be patient.
//Ironic, that... given the nature of the enemy.//
The Dominions... Angels who taught how to subdue dissolute passions, how to enslave the flesh to the spirit, and how to rule over one's will... to be above temptation...
Cate smiled to himself. He had no dissolute passions, truly, no temptations, none that would keep him from his true goal, anyway. He was one - mind, body, soul - with his true objective, always had been...
The Dominions... Angels of exquisite order, discipline... leaders, who governed the forces of chaos, leading to a stronger, wiser government...
"Sir?"
The voice that broke the silence was soft, toneless, but Cate still rankled at the sharp break from his reverie.
"It's a spokesperson from the U.N., sir... they wish to speak with you, concerning tonight's... situation."
Cate turned as the aide vanished, and moved slowly to follow, his footsteps clicking softly against the floor as he walked to the door.
The U.N., a messy assembly of weak, frightened nations, always seeking shelter with rules and treaties that kept the strong from ruling as nature had intended, while trying to pull them down, reduce them to the same pathetic, useless state. It was /not/ the way things ought to have been... ever since Second Impact, the natural order had been usurped...
Cate turned back, gazing for a final moment at the sphere, the ball glowing in the darkness like a beacon, or a command...
Perhaps the Angels really did realize what they were doing, in giving Cate this power... the power to make the world right again.
==========================
Author's Notes -
1. Shinji's semi-non-sequiter thoughts during the flower scene are taken from Ophelia's best crazy sequence in Hamlet. I thought it fit.