Chapter Ten
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"I'm sorry, little guy. I don't have anything for you."
The puppy whimpered against the large, warm palm, licking at the gentle fingertips as they pulled away, desperately trying to keep them close. It had worked once in the past, gotten him an extra slice of ham from a sandwich... but this time all he received was one last pat on the head, and then only empty air.
He tried to follow the giant as it moved away, but within a few steps he had been completely left behind, could barely see the man anymore amidst the crowd of people on the street. Braving the wider spaces, where giant machines were ready to crush and destroy him was beyond terrifying, impossible, and the small creature stuck close to the insides of the sidewalks instead, looking up from time to time at the giants overhead, hoping one of them would notice him, pick him up, take him somewhere else...
The puppy remembered "somewhere else," though the memory lay like a candle's warm flame, flickering at the end of a long, dark tunnel. He remembered being warm, held, fed and comfortable... but for the most part, those were useless memories now, and gave him no solace in this place of noise and constant danger. The world around him was much too big, and so strange that it was all he could do to keep his paws moving and his nose up, even though the smells were usually so powerful and so disgusting that it felt as if his head were about to explode.
All at once, as it usually happened in this place, things turned ugly. The puppy heard a sharp, buzzing, hissing noise building from what seemed like all around him, looked up, just as a tower of color and movement nearly fell on top of him.
"Woah! Look out!"
The puppy skittered out of the way with a yelp, barely missed being hit by the skateboarder as he swerved to avoid the crash. The tiny creature quickly scrambled around a corner, utterly terrified, focused only on getting as much distance between itself and the danger as possible...
The puppy finally found a sorely needed refuge beneath the overhang of a low cement step, and sat there, shivering and panting... It was dark beneath the step, and almost chilly, but at least no one could roll over him here, and the loud noises were muted, as were the awful smells... It would almost be a good place, if he weren't so hungry. His tiny stomach rumbled, reminding him of this fact. There was no food beneath the step, and finding some meant going back out amidst the giants - and possibly getting flattened by them.
The small animal whimpered again, aching somewhat from the sudden jolt of adrenaline now fading from inside, and waited a few more moments beneath the relative safety of the overhang, unwilling even in hunger to face the too bright, too loud world it knew was waiting.
A shadow, a shoe... and as the blue eyes watched, the foot stopped right next to where he was resting. The puppy blinked, watched as someone knelt down, and a hand appeared, slowly moving toward him.
"Hello there."
Out of instinct, the puppy had pressed itself as far back against the wall as it could go, fearing danger... but slowly, carefully, as the fingertips extended, but made no sudden movement, did nothing frightening, a small gray nose pushed out, sniffing the fingertips...
It yelped, nearly jumping out of its skin, and pushed itself back, shivering now at the sensation that tingled through its nose, up into its brain, like fireworks and hot peppers, only a thousand times worse... the puppy hadn't ever smelled /anything/ like this, knew only that it was absolutely right to be utterly terrified. All his instincts were pushing his paws to claw backward from the overwhelming sense of danger, to get as far away as possible from the still outstretched hand...
"You don't have to be afraid. I'm not going to hurt you, just because I can."
The voice was soft, gentle, and somehow seemed to soften the world around it, dim the loud world down to a dull roar, like a promise - come with me, and you'll never need to fear again.
Dark ears slid forward slightly at the sound... and despite his still panicked senses, the puppy leaned closer, closer, until his nose was nearly touching the strangely-scented skin, though the scent was still enough to make his head spin...
The tiny creature was quickly rewarded with a kind pat on the head, and a scratch behind the ears.
The affectionate gesture cut off all further protests, banished all remaining fears, despite the still lingering protests of his instincts. With a yap of happiness, the puppy gladly shot out from under the stoop, licking at the fingers still scratching his head, tail wildly beating at the air. If this giant was offering him safety, no matter /how/ strange he smelled, it would give all the affection it could in return.
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Kaworu smiled, carefully lifting the wriggling gray puppy into his arms without crushing his bouquet, receiving an excited slurp on the face for his troubles.
The pale-haired man had always liked animals, though SEELE's rules had strictly forbidden pets, and, being what he was, they had watched him the closest of anyone. Occasionally, they had given him a dog or cat, to see how he would treat it, testing his reactions. As he had grown older, though, and the tests continually showed nothing - why would they? - the visits had tapered off to zero. Kaworu had missed the animals quite a bit, actually, and though acquiring a pet hadn't been at the top of his list of desirables, he wasn't about to complain about circumstance.
//It's important, if you live in the world, to be connected to it...//
It let you know that you were human... or close enough, at any rate.
Kaworu stood back up, still new enough in this body to enjoy the way his muscles worked, the slight ache in the backs of his calves and thighs... the feel of smooth puppy fur, the weight of the squirming body in his arms, listening to the sniffing sound, as the creature eagerly examined his bouquet. The puppy soon settled down, content to be carried, tongue lolling as it looked at everything they passed... but even that got old, and soon the exhausted creature fell asleep, tail still wagging now and again, always in that half-awake state that puppies always seemed to have.
The pale-haired man knew any sudden shock would wake it, and did his best to keep his steps steady and his gait smooth as he kept moving down the street.
Kaworu could feel that same weary weight in his own body, and a nap was beginning to sound like a very good idea. He hadn't been sleeping much over the past few days, acquiring clothes and food initially from a shelter - coming back from the dead had left him absolutely ravenous - and afterward, using all that he remembered and a library's spare internet connection to hack his way back through SEELE's systems, or at least, what was left of them.
It wasn't too hard to find the temporary account they'd created for him, and Kaworu had quickly collected the rest of that money and a bit more, from other long-dead accounts, to pay for a place of his own.
Of course, at the time, he hadn't been thinking too far in advance... after all, now that he had returned to this world, all he had to do was go to the person he knew had been waiting for him, the man he had been born to meet, to be with.
A perfect plan... except that Shinji didn't want him back.
//No... that's not exactly it.//
Kaworu had known his reappearance would be a shock to Shinji, no matter how he had approached it. A direct confrontation... well...
To Kaworu, the particulars of how to meet Shinji were on the same level with sleep, and food, and all those other things SEELE had, so long ago, tried to determine just how little he needed to stay alive.
//Limitations... what on /Earth/ is the point of that?!//
Yes, he could exist on no sleep, no food, almost indefinitely... but sleep, waking up, drifting off... it felt so nice, and food was the same way. What was it with humans and denial? What was it about living bare, spartan lives that appealed to so many of them? Kaworu was a sensualist, even before he knew the Lillim word... he loved to touch, and taste, and smell, he loved luxuriating, savoring, enjoying to the fullest all the world could offer him...
It was the reason he had simply gone to sleep when they had been testing him to see how long he could stay awake, that he had ordered for food on regular intervals, no matter how many times they asked him to wait until he was /truly/ hungry...
... and it was the reason he wouldn't just step out in front of Shinji and say hello. He had much to repay, much to be forgiven for. At the very least, he could start with a proper greeting, and the beginnings of a true apology.
//I'll find him... and then I'll win him back.//
A flower shop. He wasn't surprised, as he searched the world around him for that trace of "Shinji," a presence he felt as close as his own heartbeat, where he finally found the other man... not surprising at all, given the hard metal prison, the closed rooms and even more confining weapons of his hated past. Kaworu understood perfectly, hated the Evas in a way he thought even Shinji would be pressed to match.
//A necessary step - maybe - but to do that... to twist and warp the weave of nature like that? Survival isn't the only thing that's important, not by far, and not by whatever it takes...//
Kaworu had gone to that shop, and he had waited, partly to do as he had planned, and partly to abandon that idea entirely, if only to hold the man he loved in arms of flesh and blood, just as he had always held him in his heart...
... and he had felt Shinji panic, felt the waves of self-hatred, anger, sorrow radiating off of him with sickening power...
Kaworu hadn't been forgiven for what he had done.
Out of all the Lillim emotions, the pale-haired man knew he was growing more familiar every day with the one called regret... and he didn't find it at all to his liking.
He had known. Kaworu had known from the very beginning what he would do... and even that hadn't stopped him, from hiding what he had felt - no - it hadn't stopped him from actively pursuing what he knew could never really be.
He had sensed Shinji's sadness, his loneliness so easily, all those years ago on the beach, the boy's soul vibrating like the fading echo of a scream, the final few shivers of a battered creature that had finally stopped fighting, and surrendered to its fate.
The angel knew exactly what he was doing, when he placed himself on that ledge, humming Ode to Joy and waiting to be interrupted... and he had always known exactly what would come of it.
//Or so I thought. It seemed right then. I thought it was right. I thought /I/ was right.//
Kaworu still did now, for the most part, although he was more and more regretful that, like most things in life, the decision had been double-edged.
Human beings were so careful with their hearts, offering them so cautiously, and usually only to those who had revealed their own vulnerability, or could pretend that they had. Kaworu knew he held the advantage, in knowing he wasn't risking his heart before a word was ever spoken, in being able to say immediately the things others simply couldn't, or wouldn't... and oh, he had enjoyed the consequences.
It had been a joy, watching Shinji blush that first time, taking his kindness with confused elation... and later, when he caught the boy when Shinji thought he would be alone, marking out his solitary minutes with Beethoven until there was nowhere else to go but home...
Kaworu could still remember the way Shinji's voice had cracked, when he had intentionally touched his hand in the bath, and held it there, so there could be no mistake.
//I love you.// It was the truth. Despite all that happened afterward, it was the truth.
It hurt the angel, to see how Shinji had been starved of any gentle human emotion, ready to lunge for any chance at affection, kindness, no matter where it came from or how unknown, no matter how many invisible strings might be attached. It hurt, to feel that heart's silent pleading - love me, please... I'll do anything... just care, even a little, please...
Kaworu had given Shinji everything he could, in the sparse amount of time he had been given. In a way, Kaworu wished he could have gone slower, even as he regretted that there hadn't been time for even more.
He had many regrets.
The pale-haired Angel had known what he would do, that his betrayal would threaten to shatter that beloved heart of glass, that the initial pain of it could very well swallow his love alive.
//You're stronger than that, my Shinji... I know it.//
He thought he had made arrangements, consolation, that even though he would leave, Shinji would not have to be alone. Misato, Rei... his love could not see them the way he could, didn't see the way they were inside, and Kaworu knew Shinji would not be alone forever, that he would always have their support...
//You're just like me...//
The red-eyed girl, Rei, so familiar, not only in origin and isolation, but that she, in every incarnation, cared for Shinji. A part of her always would. Kaworu had thought, entrusting that fragile heart to her hands, that it would not break, she would not let it break... and beyond that, he could see the woman Misato's fears, how much of that was protectiveness. The woman loved Shinji deeply, watched over him like a mother wolf protecting her pup.
He had been given the choice, to war with humanity or sacrifice himself on their behalf, but almost as importantly, at least for himself, he had been given the chance to go to Shinji, to do what he could to make the boy see the truth about himself. Kaworu had hoped that, perhaps, by showing Shinji that /someone/ cared, showing him that yes, he /deserved/ to be loved, Kaworu had broken through that wall of isolation, self-hatred and shame... each brick lain by Gendo Ikari himself, his scorn...
//If you can love once, you can love again. If you deserve it once, you deserve it always. There were so many reasons I loved you, Shinji, and you'll find that others can do the same...//
Shinji would move on after his death, with Rei, with Misato... he would love again.
Or so Kaworu had thought.
He should have known, should have known before he discovered Adam was Lilith, that SEELE had other plans all along, and that all he thought he knew had been only lies... but then, by that time, it had been too late, much too late to change what was to be... and it was only in the aftermath, echo upon echo of that silent scream of Shinji's heart, wavering through eternity, that Kaworu first learned what it meant to regret.
Did he understand now? Did he see, the true nature of omniscience?
//Yes. It doesn't really exist... once you put yourself in the world...//
Kaworu had always known he loved Shinji, and that final brief meeting had set fire to the fuse, made that love burn brighter even as the moments drained away, sands in the hourglass. All he had, he put into those final few days of his life, into showing Shinji kindness, showing the boy he loved that he was worthy, so worthy of any tenderness, any concern he received. Kaworu had done his best to make sure the message lasted, even beyond his betrayal, that Shinji would know, would emerge a stronger, happier person...
He loved, but Shinji Ikari wasn't supposed to fall in love with him.
//Too brief... much too brief... I thought it was safe, because it was so short a time for him, I thought he couldn't love like I could choose to love...//
Lillim hearts were flexible, stubborn and built to survive, it was one of the many things Kaworu had always admired about them - yes, even his love's heart of glass - and he had thought the dark-haired boy would move on, would recover - and in many ways Shinji did, living a life sprinkled with a thousand tiny joys, the memories of his past fading as best they could...
In that timeless, endless place beyond life, though, Kaworu often curled up inside the echo of that heart's scream, one /he/, regrettably, had caused, unable to ease the ache of an agony he hadn't ever expected to linger so long...
Shinji had loved him, and a part of the dark-haired pilot was broken now, not by Kaworu's betrayal, not by what had happened to SEELE or NERV afterward... but simply because the pale-haired boy wasn't there, not to live and breathe and experience the unlimited joys and sorrows of being alive.
Do you see?
He had thought once, that life and death were the same... but, as before, Kaworu realized he had been mistaken.
The Angel could do nothing, though, nothing but wait, and watch, and take what joy he could from feeling Shinji's life wash over him like waves, powerful, deep... but when he cupped his hands to catch it, all that remained was the foam.
It seemed so short a life now, the time he had spent on the Earth, too short, for all he had wanted to see and do.
//... and how much of that, I wanted to do with Shinji.//
Out of nowhere, with no warning or apparent provocation, the Dominions made their sudden fall to Earth, and began to act out a plan that neither Heaven or Earth had seen coming... a plan that, unexpectedly, gave Kaworu his freedom, and placed the entire world in a dangerous situation, barely holding its balance at the edge of destruction.
//I can go back, then?//
He would have to, if there was to be any equity in this battle.
//Equity? Has there ever been this... equity, before?//
The Dominions, unlike the Angels that had come before, unlike him, had been created to exist within their single sphere. They had never been imagined with these goals and purposes, this desire for destruction in mind... this wasn't what should have happened.
//... and what of omnipotence, then? You knew, you must have known...//
God was all things, all cycles, all fragile, complex patterns of life... and writing oneself into the rules, unfortunately, came with some consequences. It was impossible to explain, the true logic of the divine, when life and death truly /were/ the same... when the measure of an action was weighed by celestial judgment alone, and not by a heart, human or otherwise...
//... but still, it doesn't make sense if...//
You mean, you don't /want/ to return?
Kaworu had been born of his own curiosity, brought into existence by nothing more than his own desire to see and know and do, to put himself into the world just to see what might happen... but even the pale-haired man knew when it was time to stop asking questions.
So, he went back, in a strong human body, to face the Dominions and return them to their rightful place...
... and to wait for Shinji, until the other man was ready to see him. Kaworu only hoped it wouldn't be long.
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"I am soooooo bored. Shoot me, wouldja?"
"Only if you shoot me first."
Karen let her head thump against the table, picked it up, and let it fall again. Weekday shifts, especially around lunchtime, were completely dead in the store... not that she really enjoyed her job that much when it was busy, either. There had been a time she would have resented selling overpriced, unimpressive fashion to the sons and daughters of the yuppie elite...
//... but that was before an electric bill, a car insurance bill, a water bill, an apartment deposit...//
"Woah, Karen! Heads up!"
The blonde wearily turned her eyes to the door. Emily, her co-worker, had a nearly insatiable voyeuristic streak, talking about every good-looking or even half-tolerable man who walked past the door, sometimes even whispering about those who were /inside/ the shop, until Karen had to aim at least one good glare of death her way, if not two or three -
Karen blinked as her gaze finally landed on the man her co-worker had spotted, and she knew she was staring but couldn't help herself, a small voice whispering that all of Emily's obsession had finally paid off.
A moment of surprise led into a slight twinge of jealousy. The man in the doorway had flowers in one hand and a small stuffed animal in the other -
//No, it's... moving? It's a puppy?//
Almost any man could be improved by the addition of either a cute baby, or a cute baby animal, and by this time Karen had already noticed that this man didn't need the help.
Pale hair, nearly white... like Warhol or Einstein without the added oddity, thin but not gangly... she blinked, looking closer even though she knew it was completely rude, hoped he wouldn't notice her appraisal... but really -//too light to be hazel, they're almost... how strange...//- what color were his eyes?
Karen nearly jumped as he suddenly looked up, straight at her, and she felt a definite blush rise to her cheeks as he smiled - of /course/ he had an Absolutely. Perfect. Smile.
The woman quickly looked down, crumpling a wad of tissue paper into a ball as if it was all she had been hired for, while her eyes darted over the other ineffectual supplies on the counter, searching for some activity that would look as if she were doing her job, and not covering up for the fact that she had been gawking at the absolutely gorgeous -
"Ohwow!WhatanadorablepuppyIloveitIt'justssocuuuute!!!"
Karen winced, though she was slightly grateful for Emily's sudden shriek - it most likely took the attention off of her own idiocy. The only thing Emily was more infatuated with than men was animals, and the smaller and cuter, the better. By the time she looked up again, her co-worker was thoroughly engrossed, nose-to-nose, with the now wide-awake and utterly frenetic puppy. Karen sighed, coming out from behind the counter as Emily continued to babble at the small, dark gray dog, ignoring the customer altogether.
//... not like he needs a new look. Put him in /really/ nice clothes and I think you could classify him a lethal weapon.//
Karen's brain sharply reminded her to roll her tongue back up before she tripped over it, and to /please/ do her best to get the dopey expression off her face this poor, beleaguered man was sure to see once she got too close.
//He's already got half the help in this store nearly cemented to him, he doesn't need an encore.//
The woman thought, and quickly discarded the idea of telling him pets weren't allowed in the store... as superficial as it sounded, he was too handsome for her to want to order around, and she just didn't give enough of a damn either way.
//Words, girl...// He looked up at her again, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten how to start even the most basic of conversations. //Words. You don't have to tell him to get out, but /some/ words might be helpful...//
"Hi... uh, can I help you?"
Yes, that smile was more than powerful enough to tear the paint off the side of a house, and Karen struggled to keep her composure, /absolutely/ refusing to be reduced to a giggling lump of hormones just because -
//Man, his teeth are /perfect/!//
- /Are we /quite/ finished?!/
Karen was usually quite suspicious when it came to the opposite sex, especially the nicer ones - after all, she did live in a major city - but she knew she was beaming like a vapid lunatic now, and wondered absently if this man wasn't some sort of compact pheromone generator.
//If I say anything else, I'll babble, and he'll think I'm a moron, but if I keep staring - oh /wow/ just look at those /eyes/...//
"I was wondering..." The man pointed towards the window, though between the grace in his long-fingered hands and the husky cheer in his voice Karen completely blanked out on anything more than three inches from him.
"... you have a sign in your window, that says you're hiring?"
"It's yours!"
"Emily!"
Her co-worker looked up momentarily from where she was still busy playing with the puppy. "No, Karen, I'm serious. We are totally hiring him." The girl turned back to the man, smiling brightly. "We are totally hiring you."
Emily sighed, knowing beneath the slight veneer of decorum that she was just as happy as the other girl was.
"I'll... uh... get you some forms to fill out."
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The puppy liked stairs, and quickly bounded up to the top, yelping slightly until a gentle "ssh" silenced it, though it still bumped its way across the floor, racing down the hallway and back again before its new master ever reached the top.
Kaworu paused outside Shinji's door, not surprised at the small, undecorated hallway, what he was sure were equally plain rooms. Shinji's tastes had never been fancy, not in material possessions, at any rate... The pale-haired man lay the flowers down, brushed his fingers against the knob, the metal cool, disappointing, though he didn't know what he had expected...
//He's not here...//
Of course, he knew Shinji wasn't here, but some irrational impulse had led him to the door anyway, as if by being close to where the man ought to have been, somehow it would be easier to seek him out. He had to leave the flowers anyway, they would only last a few days, and he knew Shinji had seen him in the shop, would know who the bouquet came from... perhaps the flowers would offer up the words he hadn't been able to say...
//I won't come to you if it will hurt you, Shinji... but as soon as you want me, I'm yours...//
Kaworu wondered, though, how long he'd really be able to wait, and whether it was better for Shinji or not to give him this space, no matter how frightened and angry the other man had seemed... he wanted to see Shinji so badly, to touch him again, and live, seeing the world through his eyes, regaining all the time they should have had together, so long ago...
//I can make you smile. I want to see that smile again.//
At his feet, the puppy whimpered in quiet boredom, and the pale-haired man quickly picked it up before it could shred the tissue paper surrounding the bouquet, quietly walked out of the hallway, back down to the street.
Shinji's signature was strangely blurred now, subtly, a sensation Kaworu had recognized at once, though he didn't want to believe it... but it made sense, too much sense, and he had been a fool, if he had ever thought he would be fighting the Dominions alone...
The former pilot had not returned to an Eva, Kaworu would have recognized that blood-soaked, primitive scent instantly, the unique feel of humanity bent to a base core of barbarism, and that essence siphoned for power, controlled by the barest remnants of the machine remembering when it had been human, alive... What he sensed now was not that, but not completely different... and no matter what the change, Shinji was still no longer alone, no longer wholly his own, which meant Kaworu couldn't find him with absolute accuracy, knew only that he was alive, somewhere in the city... and that he was preparing to fight.
"Uh, sir..?"
The pale-haired had stopped at the edge of the street, waiting for the light to change, and looked up as a homeless man addressed him from the wall nearby. The man pointedly stared at his feet, and Kaworu quickly discovered why, looked down to discover that he was actually floating a few inches above the pavement, had forgotten to keep himself earthbound. The pale-haired man sighed slightly, descended back to the pavement without a sound - such a simple remembrance, one that had become habit in his old life, but now he had forgotten, forgotten the importance of walking on the ground when trying to pass for fully human.
"Now that's a helluva thing..." the man murmured, as Kaworu smiled his thank you and continued down the street.
It was nighttime by the time he made it to his apartment, along with enough supplies to keep the puppy fed and occupied for a week, though almost immediately the creature decided the end of the sofa made for a much better chew toy than anything he could find in a store. A new, blue collar fit snugly around his neck, complete with brass tag... the woman at the pet store had been the first to mention the idea of names, along with a list of veterinarians, pet foods and city parks as she rang up his purchases.
"Oh, he's so cute! What's his name?"
Kaworu had blinked, looked down at the dog, now on a leash, staring back up at him with its tiny tail beating the air... his first response - he hadn't considered it ever needing a name - was "Dog," though his artistic sensibilities would never let that stand... The pale-haired man had supposed he needed something more meaningful, and interesting... and felt a bit of regret, it really was too bad Shinji wasn't here...
//... and art thou, then...?//
A book, from his childhood, a few remembered lines suddenly staked their claim from the distant past. He had quickly mastered the classics, almost as charmed by Lillim literature as he was by their music...
"Virgil."
The owner of the impressive name was now madly tugging at a torn rectangle of fabric at the edge of the sofa, madly delighted and completely oblivious to the fact that he was being watched, digging his paws into the floorboards, growling with each vicious tug... and when the fabric finally ripped clear, it only took the small, gray creature a few moments to lose interest in what he had pulled free, and begin tearing at the chair once more, all but determined, it seemed, to strip it down to the springs.
//It might take him some time, I think, to grow into the na-//
The lights flickered sharply, Kaworu turned sharply as a wave of cold poured over him, frighteningly alien to the body that held him, but familiar enough to his own senses. Virgil immediately stopped his game of tug-of war, frozen in place, nose pointed high in the air, ears flat back. As soon as the sensation abated, he yelped, and dove for Kaworu's feet, shivering as he tried his best to hide beneath the man's shoes.
//So... they waste no time.//
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Author's Notes -
1. No, I have no damn idea how Kaworu does things like... pretty much everything he does in this fic, but I'm a hack, so I don't have to care. : )
2. Virgil, the puppy's name, is taken from Dante's Inferno, as the name of the poet who leads Dante through hell and into purgatory and (I believe) some of paradise as well.
3. Wow... this story is now about .3 percent plot, and 99.7 percent god knows what. Whee!