Chapter Sixteen
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"Shinji?"
It wasn't even worth trying, she knew it even though she spoke his name. The Dominion had hit the damaged suit at point-blank range, there was just /no/ chance...
Toby let the binoculars fall from her hand, heard them hit the deck, the boat still bobbing madly, water churning from the shockwave high above. They had lost - /she/ had lost - everything.
//At least I know now... it /could/ have been a mistake, what happened with my brother, not being there.// Now she knew, though, just what kind of a person she was.
"Have you got a reading on the Dominion?"
"Nothing yet. All the systems are... oh... shit."
"What?"
Lae shook his head, staring up into the sky, the glimmering shape of the Dominion possibly visible, now and then against the darkness, and looking back down at his monitor in disbelief.
"I think Shinji's... hell... if he's dead, Toby, then I'm pretty sure we are too."
"What?"
As soon as the word reached the air, Toby no longer had the need to ask. Out of the darkness, a shape descended, illuminated by the moon as it drew closer. At first, she thought it might be the Dominion - but the scientist gasped as she picked out details from the shadows, Tiphereth's gleaming lines, Shinji unmoving within the angel's grasp. Pale hair and angular, almost fox-like features, framing the crimson gaze silently watching them.
Toby heard Lae curse behind her, but didn't take her eyes off that dispassionate, inhuman gaze, could not begin to follow what he might be thinking - whether he would just leave, or simply destroy them outright, for what they had done to Shinji.
It took all the bravery she had, every scrap of human courage, but Toby couldn't tell, couldn't see Shinji breathing, from how far away the angel still hovered, and she felt her own breath tremble in her throat as she pushed forward.
"Is he still alive? Is Shinji all right?"
The angel's head tipped just slightly, his expression a very human one of puzzlement, or consideration, as he moved closer. Toby wondered briefly if Lae was taking readings, if any of them would even be able to comprehend what they might see.
"Take him." Kaworu hovered just a few feet above the deck, lowering Shinji into the two scientist's arms. Toby saw the pilot's eyes open slightly, immediately fixed on the still-floating angel, ignoring them, and the rest of the world. The pale-haired man smiled, moving closer. Toby watched Lae freeze, neither one of them daring to move, Shinji a dead weight between them.
Toby had thought all of Cate's words had been mere jibes, a nasty, vicious slander meant as mocking spite... but watching the way the angel gently touched the pilot's face, speaking words so softly that even as close as she was, the scientist could not hear them...
//... he really loves Shinji. I didn't know they could love.//
"He needs to rest now." The angel turned to her, before lifting those breathtaking eyes skyward. "I can't keep him with me for this fight, he is too badly hurt."
Toby felt her insides chill at the softly spoken words, the gentle reminder of all that she was responsible for - unsure even now if she was being allowed to live.
"I... I didn't know..."
She flinched, as those ruby eyes met hers once more.
"Yes you did. You knew exactly what you were doing, and you simply hoped that somehow, this wouldn't cost him his life."
The easy smile never faltered - not cruel, but honest. If anything, it made her shame even worse, not being worthy of his anger simply because he hadn't ever expected better of her.
"I'm sorry."
"It would be better if he stayed here, safer." Blood-amber eyes pinned her suddenly, and though his voice remained soft, she could feel the words almost dripping down her spine, freezing there in a simple but eloquent request. "Be careful with him."
Kaworu touched Shinji's face once more, fingertips carefully grazing the curve of his smile. Toby knew she was missing all the important nuance, could see something traveling between them, gaze to gaze, but couldn't begin to understand - and with not a sound more, Kaworu rose effortlessly, disappearing into the sky.
-----------------------
Zacharael dropped from the sky as the pale-haired man rose, closing to meet him - or possibly even to slam past him and destroy the boat below. Kaworu's eyes narrowed just slightly, he effortlessly moved, caught the Dominion against the edge of his shields, forcing the massive creature to correct it's fall, to turn and face him.
//~traitor~//
The living golden statue twisted in the air, regaining its balance with impossible skill, until it hovered eye-to-eye with him, tense fury in the lines of its rippling, flexed arms, the curve of its nearly hunched back. Here and there, dents in the armor were visible, scratches and gouges Shinji had left, as well as a dark mark along the chest plate that was at one angle seemed a stain, but at another revealed its true form - a wound, digging deep through layers of the creature's midsection, the result of Shinji's single direct hit.
//~traitor~//
/Against you?/ Kaworu smiled slightly, amused. /I never was your ally. Our kind lived worlds apart.../
//~no angel. not now, not ever again. you are one of them.~//
A pale eyebrow arched, though Kaworu wondered whether the Dominion could even understand the nuance of the human gesture.
/I am /not/... but I am learning./ Kaworu watched the golden shell shimmer softly in the moonlight, the Dominion watching him, waiting for an opening it would not receive. /Why are you here, Zacharael?/
//~order.~// The shining eyes blinked once. //~there must be order to all things.~//
/... even if it goes against His word?/
//~He does not see. these sinful creatures hide their chaos from His sight. he does not see the way we see... we are His lawmakers. we are His eyes. we will save this world for Him.~//
Kaworu closed his eyes for a moment, smiling now at the irony. If only these hapless avatars knew how much of humanity - in one way or another - agreed with them.
/You are lawmakers... not executioners. Zophiel, did you listen even to him? I am certain he did not give you these orders... but then, I forget myself, don't I? You follow an order greater than His now, don't you Zacharael?/ He shook his head slightly. /You have lost your way./
//~you are nothing! we do the job you have refused!~//
Kaworu knew now, this Dominion was the one who had spoken to him in the morgue upon his awakening, angry at what he saw as Tabris' betrayal, his abandonment of the natural order of the universe, his rebellion against unshakable laws.
/He doesn't understand... he wasn't built to understand, that those laws he exists to enforce, they aren't real./
//~you should not be back, Kaworu Nagisa.~// Inhuman or not, the pale-haired man swore he heard a sneer from the Dominion, at the mention of his human name. //~you have no right to be here, to go against His will!~//
/If that is true, then why was I given the chance to return? Why will I be the one to win this fight?/
Zacharael attacked, sparing no more time for words. Kaworu sighed, wondering if the Dominion truly understood futility, its blows pounding uselessly against the Angel's infinitely more powerful AT field. The Dominion's abilities were not replicable, and by giving the slave unit its shield-breaking capabilities, it had forfeited using them itself, never thinking Kaworu would easily defeat the smaller, mindless weapon.
//I want to know why... why are you doing this? Could you even tell me?//
Zacharael didn't answer, and Kaworu dodged another powerful strike, moving higher into the air, drawing the Dominion after him - fast, it was significantly damaged but still capable of impressive speed.
It had been right to keep Shinji from this, though Kaworu knew the pilot's safety was a fragile, temporary thing at best. SEELE's utilitarianism, Tobias Kent's pride... they had cost the dark-haired man more than they could possibly understand, and time was running out.
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"My God, you should see the readings I'm getting!"
Lae balanced his concentration between the monitor on the dash, and the sea beyond it, praying someone back in the lab was taking even more detailed scans of the battle raging behind them, as the Scarab roared toward the distant shore.
"I've never seen anything like it... the /power/ in it... an honest-to-god Angel."
He finally trailed off, no one had interrupted him since he had started his breathless commentary. Lae looked back just for a moment, already knowing why, still dreading the sight of Toby doing her best at emergency first aid on the fallen pilot.
"Toby, is he all right?" Little could be seen in the darkness, but the scientist's eyes picked out what he thought were a few gouges in the suit, and he hoped the man's almost unearthly paleness when he had been given to them was only a trick of the moonlight.
"Toby?!"
The woman didn't answer him, pushing the short hair away from her eyes as she continued applying bandages to the part of the suit she had already cut away, pulling the sharp medical kit knife out of where she had stuck it into the deck, carefully slicing through the suit around the cannon, to pull Shinji's arm free.
"Toby... are you sure?" He hadn't been paying attention, hadn't seen when she had started tearing the suit apart, could barely believe she was actually /doing/ it. "I mean, the suit..."
"... to hell with the suit, Lae!"
He winced at the tears in her voice, despite the sharp tone, but another, even harsher voice broke through on the radio before he could say anything else.
"Where are you, Kent? Lae!? What's happened?"
"We're a few minutes from the docks, sir. We've... uh, recovered the pilot, but he's not doing well. Um, sir..."
"Did he retrieve the core from the second Dominion?"
//Heartless asshole.// Lae winced at the hate that filled Toby's eyes as she looked up briefly, glaring at the radio in his hand. Shinji /wasn't/ looking good, and if something happened - if Toby lost him... shit, this was going to be an ugly night.
"No, sir... there was no opportunity. We were outgunned, and the Angel, sir... Kaworu Nagisa... it's fighting the Dominion."
A crackle of static, no response from the base. Lae was about to repeat his message, with all the interference, the battle, perhaps he hadn't been heard -
"Lae, we're dropping a Flare. Get as far away as you can, and brace for impact."
"What?!" Toby screamed, lunging for the radio. "You can't do that! You can't just kill the angel! It's trying to save our lives!"
//Do you know what it will do to Shinji?//
Those words were unspoken, but colored the edges of her words dark with fear and fury. It didn't matter, the signal was already dead, and she turned on her partner-in-arms with desperate eyes.
"Oh God, he can't... Lae, we have to-"
He was as worried, as distraught as she, but could offer nothing but that helpless worry.
"There's nothing we can do about it, Toby, we can't stop him from firing. Turning around now will only get us killed..." His eyes flicked toward the sky, wondering if Cate even cared how close they might be to ground zero. "We've got to try to get out of range."
Toby grimaced, kneeling back down, hands clenching tightly against the material of the suit as she pulled it away. It was too much to think about - she'd given her word to the Angel, he had been so calm, so peaceful and /kind/, insane as it sounded. All she could do now was fight to keep the pilot alive, and safe, as Kaworu had asked her to.
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The fight was almost beautiful, an elegant dance, most of the action one-sided, Kaworu watching the Dominion attack to little effect, blows raining down uselessly on his AT field. The Angel knew he was hesitating, refusing to strike back - and so did the Dominion.
//~destroy me, traitor!~//
//It's what you want, isn't it?// Kaworu watched the flashing, copper eyes shiver again, narrowing in the darkness. //You knew, all along...//
//~we were made by Him, to be His unswerving order.// If the toneless voice changed, ever so slightly, even Kaworu would have been hard pressed to name the new emotion. //~we do not have the luxury of free will, that He has granted you... or this might have ended differently.~//
The Dominion lunged, and Kaworu let the AT field fall, warping it - what would NERV had thought, if they had seen even a splinter of his true power, what would Shinji... - splintering to a gleaming, spear-like point that arced well past his arm, a weapon that easily slid its way through the unarmored space left by Tiphereth's attack. He cut a single, clean stroke, deep into the Dominion's body, digging down until he felt his hand plunge through skin and bone - human flesh, whomever he had been, his pain was over - and wrap around the core.
"... perhaps."
Kaworu twisted his hand, felt the snap, Zacharael shuddering slightly but otherwise not struggling, a massive clawed hand coming to rest very lightly on his shoulder, even as the first of the copper plates began to fall away, the creature crumbling to nothing as it hissed a final message.
//~you will die... Tabris, and I will do all within... my power... to send you to hell.~//
The Dominion was falling away around his hands, metal panels flaking off, splashing into the sea, so when his AT field flickered in alarm, Kaworu was surprised - there was no way Zacharael...
The N2 mine had been the most powerful explosive agent for years after the fall of NERV. The Dante Flare had a slightly smaller range, but nearly ten times the power, and Kaworu stood at the epicenter of the blast, without even a chance to blink, before a nova of brilliant white eclipsed the world.
----------------------------
"Shit, look at-"
"Get ready, here it comes."
//... Kaworu?// No, it couldn't be. Kaworu never sounded worried like that... he was always calm, always so patient and serene... and somewhere around him, Shinji realized the world was in chaos.
"... got it? We're ok..."
"The boat will flip!"
"It's going to be okay, we can ride this out! It's going to be okay..."
It would be okay. Kaworu had told him the same - perhaps not with words, but Shinji knew anyway, that everything was going to be all right. He didn't have to be afraid, not anymore, not ever again... and for the first time since he had been a tiny child, he wasn't.
//... mother? Are you watching? I'm happy again. It isn't possible, but he's come back to me...//
The dark-haired man blinked slowly as he thought the world stilled, everything dark around him... but Shinji could hear people shouting overhead, and a little movement beneath him. Cold, everything was cold, though he could feel the blanket wrapped around him, and he knew he should have been warm. The cold made even the pain meaningless, taking him out of the world, calmly nudging him just slightly offstage...
"... are we moving?"
He couldn't believe anyone actually heard him, answered him, realized a few moments later that a hand was on his shoulder. Funny, he knew the woman looking at him, but nothing would come, not a name, or a single memory.
"Yes, Shinji. It's going to be all right, just try to relax. I'm going to take good care of you."
He blinked, what she was saying, it didn't sound right... What had - something had happened... It was hard to remember, even harder to care. Why was it so dark, so cold?
"No... I think... I should wait, for Kaworu."
He thought he heard a sound, something sad and muffled from her, though her face was frozen in a mask of calm.
"He's... gone, Shinji. SEELE dropped a Flare, there's nothing... no one could have..."
"Oh, all right."
He stared into the darkness, too tired to speak as the voice pressed him further, questioning, and felt no need to answer even when the woman was staring into his eyes. Another, lower voice joined hers, and they slowly became a softening blur - meaningless, it was all meaningless, the cold void somewhere deep inside him now pulling him down, away from everything.
It would destroy him, that cold, though he could no longer remember whether that was a bad thing or not. It was alive, or the shadow of what had been living - strong enough to take him with it when it faded.
//Hold on, Shinji... this time, let me live for you.//
Live, survive instead of dying, those were the words Kaworu had whispered to him. Shinji smiled slightly, remembering the warmth of those arms, that love. Kaworu wouldn't leave him alone, he was fine, no matter what Toby said. He was fine, and there would be a happy ending...
----------------------
Shinji thought the darkness surrounding him was nothing but the night, that he'd never even shut his eyes, but abruptly he noticed the boat was no longer swaying at all - and found himself on his back, looking up into a bright light - now /this/, he remembered.
The white room, the IV, no windows and a single door that lied by simply existing - there was no way out.
//Kaworu, he won't be able to find me here...//
Shinji knew he was forgetting something, an important detail he could feel screaming an urgent whisper in his ear, but the dark-haired pilot felt his heart shake in his chest, as he thought about remembering - no, it was much better to let it go. Self-preservation, not one of his more popular skills, was demanding action without thought now, and given the way the world seemed to be drifting away from him, Shinji thought it wasn't such a bad idea.
//I need to go home.//
The dark-haired man carefully took out the IV in his arm, curling a small piece of tissue paper on the table in the crook of his elbow to soak up the blood. He slowly, carefully got out of bed, not feeling weak or in pain as much as carefully balanced, as if even the slightest jolt or push would be too much to handle. He felt as if he had aged a thousand years, though a glance in the mirror showed only his own body, hospital pants tied loose at his hips, his chest wrapped - he must have bruised his ribs - and a host of cuts and bandages along his aching right arm.
As he opened the small, white steel wardrobe - they had left his clothes with him, thankfully - Shinji could feel a little of that freezing burn fade, subsiding as he moved, though the numbness faded just enough that he could feel his neck threaten to snap in half as he bent his head to get his shirt on - he'd gotten hit so hard, before...
He froze, eyes closing tight with the sudden memory - firing the cannon, and everything that came afterward, the power surging up too fast, too strong, enough to make his skin crawl...
//Hurts... dizzy, something's wrong...//
Shinji quickly exchanged the hospital clothing for his own, ignoring the cufflinks, bow tie and other trappings of his suit - his dress clothes, had the concert really only been that night, only a handful of hours ago? He wondered why no one had come to his room yet, why no one seemed to be upset that he was up and moving - hadn't Toby been so concerned, on the boat?
//... and how long ago? I must have blacked out.//
Kaworu had been there, but had left him, promising to return... well, of /course/ he would return, and what would happen if he did, and Shinji wasn't there?
//I have to get home.//
The dark-haired pilot stepped carefully out of the room, into the hallway, expecting at any moment to be stopped or questioned, but the entire compound seemed to be all but evacuated, no sound reaching him down the brilliantly lit, empty hallways, and the most he had to do to evade the few people he did see was to duck into a side corridor as they passed, hurriedly moving toward an interior room.
//He doesn't have the resources... that Father had. Tiphereth may be amazing, but this, this still isn't NERV.//
All he had to do was find the door out - damn it, why did nothing look familiar? He'd been here before, walked through... but all his memories were blurry, distant and too hard to catch hold of - he had to concentrate to even remember, that he was supposed to... that...
A soft click from behind made him freeze, the hair on the back of his neck rising before he knew why.
"Sir. Please turn around, and put your hands in the air."
//Damn.//
The face looking back at him beneath the trim lines of the military cap couldn't have been much older than he was. Shinji watched as the soldier tipped a microphone on his lapel closer to his mouth, couldn't hear the conversation. The man's rifle was slung back over his shoulder, but his eyes never left Shinji's - he was nervous, the pilot could tell.
"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to come with me..."
Shinji nodded, wondering vaguely if that was possible, and felt his legs give out as he stepped forward - an arm grabbed at him at the last moment, kept him from hitting the ground.
"Are you all right, sir?"
He'd been saved by the enemy, a polite gesture. ... and why not? The soldier was as human as he was.
//... and Toby didn't mean to hurt me... I know she... for the sake of one good man? Spare the world, for the sake of one..?//
It would have made no difference, when he had been a child, too selfish and angry to... but now? If he had the choice now?
Shinji slowly regained his balance, finally felt the arm move away, thought he should have fallen but somehow did not, the world fading away around him into the brightness of the featureless hall. All sound ceased, even that of his footsteps - or perhaps it was only his thoughts that had gotten louder, buzzing and roaring like the sea...
//I met him by the sea. He was humming... he seemed so confident, and content. I envied him from the first time we met.//
"Shinji?!"
//Misato?//
The dark-haired man shook his head hard at the thought. No, that voice... it wasn't right, not at all... but wait. Wait.
//No no no, this isn't... I...//
How was he here, standing back in the chamber, Cate and his honor guard, Toby and Lae, the remains of Tiphereth? It hadn't been more than a few seconds... no, it was the cold that was slowing everything...
He shut his eyes, shuddering for a moment against that bitter chill, a chasm that had opened up, gnawing at him from the inside... the flurry of activity, swift and blurred, almost burned at his eyes as he opened them - too fast, it was too fast, he couldn't... had to...
"Stop!!!"
"... Shinji?"
A trembling voice breathed his name, softly, into a world that was otherwise silent, still. Shinji looked up, caught off guard by the fear in Toby's voice, and paused, taking in the world that remained steady and frozen around him - locked on an apex, at the end of the gun in his hand.
//I must have taken it... from that soldier?// Shinji could hear the man, breathing from the floor, behind him, but couldn't look to see if he was all right. //I don't remember...//
"Shinji?" Toby took a step closer, one arm out, her voice steady despite her obvious alarm. "Shinji, please, give me the gun."
It was cliché enough that he almost laughed in her face - maybe he did, control was somewhat hard to manage now. Third Child or not, he'd seen enough stupid movies to know nothing good could come of listening to her now.
"No. No more of your help. This is a dead place, a tomb. I won't stay here, I won't - /no more/!"
It didn't precisely sound sane, Shinji could tell, but if it kept her from moving...
"So, the more we hurt you, the less you feel... is that how it is, Mr. Ikari?" Cate's voice broke through his daze, but just barely.
"What /are/ you going to do now?" The man tipped his head slightly, smugly amused. "You'll have to shoot me to leave, and I-"
Shinji shot him.
It was stunningly easy, he wasn't sure whether he had really even meant to or not, and felt the world pause, holding its breath, as if unsure how to continue from after such an unexpected event.
He hadn't killed the man. Cate was on the floor now, one hand pressed against his leg, blood pooling beneath him. Shinji stared at it blankly, for the moment feeling nothing but the burning cold - he swayed, wondered if he would fall.
"Oh God, don't shoot!"
Shinji looked up blearily at the shout, thought Toby was a little behind the times to be asking that of him- but no, she was yelling at the one soldier who'd raised his gun in retaliation, toward him.
Shinji heard the click, the world dissolving, slower and slower... the bullet came at him, he watched it move through the air in lazy half-comprehension - and when it hit the AT field that flared up in front of him, he couldn't even care enough to wonder why.
//... mine? Did I... how... I...//
If the first bullet fired had been shocking, the second insured stunned silence, and no one else dared to move, not after that perfect shot had been impossibly deflected.
The dark-haired pilot let the gun fall from his hand - it didn't seem to matter now, and moved forward slowly, the few people he couldn't name - faceless suits - taking hurried steps to clear a path for him. Cate was still watching him from the floor, a silent snarl frozen on his lips, deadly rage in his eyes.
Shinji felt nothing, and Toby's final pleas, as he reached the opposite door, were nothing but unimportant sound, nothing he could even find the strength to comprehend, not if he wanted to get home.
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Toby wanted to move, the second the door closed behind the wounded man, but still found herself stunned, unable to believe what had actually happened.
"Was that...?" Lae was frozen, the same as she was, staring at her in disbelief. "Did he have an /AT field/, a /visible/... that isn't possible!"
She ignored him for the moment, finally catching a second wind, pointing at two of the officers clustered around Cate.
"You and you, I want you to go out there and bring him back. Do whatever you have to do, but do not hurt him. I'll lockdown the -"
"No."
Cate growled, glaring at her, and despite his wound, half-collapsed on the floor, he seemed no less lethal, and possibly even more so.
"No. You will retrieve Tiphereth's core and return it securely to lockdown. I will scramble a team to go retrieve the second core, and you will go with them to pinpoint its location. After that, you will assist Lae in making the final preparations to the Geburah suit - I want it ready to go online by morning."
"Shinji..." Toby almost whispered the word, a part of her realizing she had already lost this argument. "You saw what happened - what's happening to him. Without treatment, he won't last the night."
"We don't need him anymore, even if we could save him. Only two Dominions remain, we've eliminated Kaworu Nagisa as a threat." Cate shook his head, and perhaps the ghost of a satisfied smile touched his lips. "He would have been useless after this anyway, what with your core system so easily breached." The man turned his attention from her without a second thought, focusing on the other scientist. "I assume you can use the data collected, to improve on Geburah."
Lae nodded, refusing to lift his eyes. "Yes, sir."
"You are dismissed."
Toby felt her legs move, pulling her away as a medical team appeared, lifting Cate onto a stretcher - she couldn't argue, there was no chance, it would solve nothing... she would simply have to go back to the lab, and then... and then...
"Toby? Toby!"
Lae's urgent hiss finally caught her attention, and she realized she wasn't pointed toward the lab at all.
"Where are you going?!"
The responsibility hit her all at once, a wall of guilt and shame crashing down upon her.
"I've got to go to him, Lae. I promised... I promised the Angel."
"The place is locked down, Toby. They might /shoot/ you if you tried to leave... they'll probably try to shoot Shinji, unless he can..."
He trailed off, knew they were both thinking the same thing - an AT field like that, from a human being? What irreparable damage had they done to him, all in the name of saving the world?
//What good is saving the world, if I can't save the person that matters most, that I swore to protect?//
"He's /hurt/, Lae... if I don't..."
"He's not worth your life, Toby. Your life or your job, and..." Toby knew Lae had a kind heart, knew where he was going, and didn't want to hear it, longed to clamp her hands over her ears and refuse to listen.
"You know, I know you do... I don't think there's anything we can do for him now."
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"Hey, boy... don't fall asleep on me now."
Asleep, fast asleep, but Shinji swore he saw the hand coming at him from the darkness, felt something flicker in alarm, preparing for defense - an AT field? ... but he couldn't, how -
//No, that will only make things worse!!!//
The large hand very gently shook his shoulder, and Shinji tried not to wince at the pain it unwittingly caused, turning himself out of a somewhat comfortable curl. He found himself staring out a window, at the pavement, rushing past the lifeless, cold cast of streetlights. High up, they were high up, he could see the city fairly well from where he sat - cab of a truck, female driver, middle of a highway, he could do little more for the moment than let the sensations hit him, utterly bewildered.
//What... /what/?!//
He was floundering in the middle of the sea, with no more direction than a vague suspicion of up and down, startled by how difficult it was to move, most of his chest, all the way through his thighs now part of the same massive block of ice.
//Calm down and think... just think...//
Shinji knew he'd been having the strangest dreams, full of other presences, things he couldn't define as people or... nothing with a solid shape, nothing tangible... It hadn't been anything he had the words for, or even the concepts, and so the dreams had gone on while he felt himself flickering, fading to the background, shuffled into them like a frame of film spliced into an endless movie - what did it matter if he belonged in it or not?
Really... what difference did his existence make at all?
"You all right, boy? You want me to drive you somewhere else?" The woman eyed him carefully, but her voice was still warm, kindly. "If you go to a clinic, you know, they'll just help you. They won't try to arrest you..."
//... she thinks I'm high.// Shinji almost laughed at that, a bit alarmed at how the feeling seemed to splinter and fade inside of him, humor a meaningless... something...
//Focus, Shinji.//
Yes. Yes, he knew where he was. Well, he knew where he was now. He'd shot Cate - /that/ would have been rather difficult to forget - and then... and then... yes, he'd made it out of the compound, funny that no one had tried to stop him.
//They did... they shot at you and you... and then you...//
Human beings couldn't block bullets, but he must have, if he remembered being shot at, and he was still alive.
//... but they /can't/. /I/ can't... I...//
Shinji shut his eyes tight against a sudden crush of panic and pain, clutching the handrail on the door as tightly as he could, part of him searching out memories that the rest of him refused to see... what the hell was happening?!
"Boy, you all right?!"
"... fine, I'm fine." He couldn't afford to let her get scared, and kick him out of the truck, even though he wasn't sure - "Where are we going?"
Shinji fought the urge to flinch again as she gave him another long, measured look.
"You tell me, boy. I picked you up back in the middle of nowhere, and you said you lived in the city. Skinny little thing like you, I figured you couldn't have walked from Chicago."
New York, that was where... oh, she was taking him home... Shinji relaxed slightly, trying to present the least threatening picture possible, which wasn't too hard.
//... just a little crazy, crazy, skinny foreigner, insane but harmless... unless I decide to destroy the world.//
//... for the sake of one good man...//
He let his eyes flick back up to the woman's face once she turned away, making a complicated series of turns and merges onto a new freeway, dark eyes flashing, lips pursed in concentration. At that moment, he would have given anything to be her, strong and secure, if perhaps a little worried about the psychotic hitchhiker she'd picked up.
"My little brother disappeared five years ago, just when he was about your age. The HMO stopped covering his meds for a few months, in some corporate rollover or some damn thing, and one day he was just... gone."
//Oh good, now she thinks I'm schizophrenic...//
Shinji realized with a rather fatalistic humor that she probably wasn't that far off-base. The world in front of his eyes was vibrating, shifting in decidedly unnatural ways, and he realized he'd been doing his best to remain completely still, instinctively sure that it was the only thing that kept him from falling to pieces... Insanity, all of it, but somewhere in the middle there was a kernel of truth - something was wrong, but he didn't know how to fix it.
"I keep thinking I'll come across him... and if not that, then that someone else is out there helping him, like I'm doing for you."
//... for the sake of one good man.//
"I hope you find him."
In the moment that she smiled, he resisted the urge to beg her to let him stay, wherever she was going, whatever happened. The world beyond the warmth and dim glow of the truck seemed filled with monsters and shadows - the same as those growing inside of him now, just waiting to take him away, screaming, into the night.
"You take care of yourself now."
//No... what?! Wait!//
He watched his hand close the door, felt himself take a few steps back as she pulled away - but when had it happened? When had he told her where he lived, when had she slowed the car? Shinji blinked, standing in the cold and darkness but noticing neither, frantically searching his memory for the missing slices... and even as he did so, more memories pulled themselves free, falling into the darkness.
Swallowing a cry of absolute terror, he staggered out of the light of the streetlight overhead, shivering as it guttered and winked out at his passing.
----------------------
Shinji did his best to fight the rising panic swirling breathlessly inside his chest, every step he took seeming to push him that much closer to some invisible brink. The dark-haired man wiped a few hot tears out of his eyes with the back of his hand, more forming to take their place as he realized he was gasping, trying to breathe.
The woman hadn't been able to get much further than the major thoroughfare with her truck. It had only been a handful of blocks from there to his door - but the short walk had become his nightmare, a cliché, running through the darkness with the goal ahead, but not reaching it, never reaching it...
//Calm down... calm down!//
Shinji knew he was making it worse, some part of himself pushing his mind forward maniacally, suicidially seeking the source of that fear. It was so hard to think, though, his mind stumbling through blind, back alleys so much more so than his own two feet, which he could only pray were leading him to his door...
He felt his legs go out from underneath him, fell forward, clutching at a street pole at the last possible moment, gasping against the burning cold metal and the mirror ache in his own chest. He let out a desperate sob as something else slipped out of his mind, another thought, another memory vanishing forever...
//The core, the Dominion, Toby knew it would tear you apart...//
Kaworu. Kaworu said everything would be all right.
Yes, If he went home Kaworu would be there and if he was safe at home with Kaworu then he would be safe Kaworu was safe he would be safe everything would be all right -
Kaworu wasn't dead, Toby didn't know, she could only know what she had seen but Shinji knew, he could /feel/, the pale-haired angel had told him and he had believed... if he could have felt anything anymore, Shinji knew everything would have been fine.
He quickly pulled off his suit coat, as drops of sweat fell into his eyes, wiping his brow with the back of one wrinkled sleeve, looking up into the sky - he and Kaworu had been there, it had been so beautiful...
The pain hit him hard, so fast that Shinji thought someone might have stabbed him again, though he hadn't heard anything for the past few blocks but the sound of his own footsteps, his own careful gasps for air. He went down hard onto the sidewalk, bracing on his elbows as another spasm of pain wracked him, just like the knife but a thousand times deeper, invasive in ways no metal blade could ever be.
He was dying. He had to get home.
//I thought it would be nice... to have a family to come home to...//
The words hovered in his memory with the ghost of a warmth and happiness, a potential never fulfilled. If Misato had once been a source of anger, another hope destroyed, she was now nothing less than his own Madonna, the flawed, blessed mother, replacing one he had known only in dream, or in some ungodly nightmare, in the depths of his Eva.
The memory kept his mind off the pain - off the fact that he couldn't remember getting back to his feet, that he came back to himself just as he was staggering forward... it was a shame he hadn't been counting the blocks.
//Nearly there... nearly there...//
Kaworu would be waiting for him, Shinji knew it, knew that he would open the door and find the other man waiting, and so nearly sobbed in relief as he reached the bottom stairs of his building, leaning heavily against the rail as he made his way up, hysteria and panic just beating out the exhaustion in the tug-of-war that had been carrying on ever since he had left SEELE.
The steps were a gauntlet all their own, the pain of bracing his weight, lifting and pulling himself to the next, and the sharp jolting shock as each foot touched down. He was nothing but nerves now, stripped down bare and screaming, and noticed vaguely that he was trembling... The worst of the damage though - and the bitter, bitter cold - that was all internal, and growing...
//Kaworu... please, please be there. I need you, please...//
The door at the top of the stairs opened onto - another set of stairs. Shinji grinned, pain in his eyes and the edges of the smile, had there been anyone to see it, but the building was as dead silent as the street outside, as if he was the last person left on earth.
Shinji shivered at that thought, much too close to so many things he didn't dare think about, and he climbed, and climbed, and /climbed/, strength flagging with each step, his pulse thudding almost painfully in his ears, the pressure building...
He paused, just for a moment, as he finally crested the top of the stairs - amazing how a simple staircase felt like goddamn Everest - and barely felt the fear as he leaned back slightly too far, and very nearly pitched backward down the stairs. After all he had been through, it was a simple finale to move forward, down the hallway, accidentally falling against only a single door which thankfully did not open before he could pull himself away.
Shinji fought back an irrational moment of panic as he stumbled the last few steps - it didn't /feel/ like Kaworu was here - Stupid, stupid, how in the world would he /feel/ if the other man was here?
//You've felt him before, you did... you...//
Key in the lock, he had to hold his hand to keep it steady, though if he had been thinking, if he could have spared the concentration, perhaps he would have wondered why it wasn't open, not if...
//He'll be here, I need him to be here...//
A few desperate struggles with the key, Shinji nearly screamed in childish fury... and the door finally, silently swung wide open, on a dark, empty room.
The dark-haired man heard a single, plaintive whimper, but it didn't register as his own, just wasn't important anymore. Whatever dissolution of body from soul he had brought about in himself, as protection, and whatever the Dominion's core had pushed him further into, the empty room was simply the final unraveling of a well-battered psyche.
Hysteria and panic let go of the rope, and exhaustion sent him to the floor.
--------------------
Shinji was vaguely impressed, actually able to stagger a few paces into the room before his legs finally refused to carry him further. It made sense, there really wasn't anywhere else to go, nothing to do but stare blankly at the wall and wait for something else to happen, wait for it to end...
//So, this is death...// Shinji could hear the short, sharp wail of a car horn in the distance, the only sound. //It's horrible, isn't it? It's exactly... exactly what I always feared, isn't it?//
Heaven wasn't really heaven, that was what he'd always heard, and the peace and calm was just the way the brain shut itself down, although he'd never heard a decent explanation of why a calm death was more probable than a violent one, or more likely than paradise...
//If you were God, would you bother with a heaven?//
He wanted to say yes, knew there was a good reason - cold, everything was cold, and he couldn't breathe - and help, someone, /anyone/ please help-
Shinji watched his fingers twitch slightly, figured his arm should have been aching, from where it had been pinned beneath him, though it wasn't... His life was slipping away in degrees, he could feel it draining out of him, through the invisible wound the Dominion had left behind. Drawing breath had become something to ponder, as he wished for anything to interrupt the horrible gasping sound, anything to break the silence. Who in the hell would ever want to die alone?
No strength left, not even to remember the way he and Kaworu had been dancing among the stars, or any of the simplest melodies he had always enjoyed practicing, that he assumed had been ingrained in his mind - nothing but the useless thought, that he had left the door open behind him.
//I heard a fly buzz when I died...//
A mundane thought to ponder, but really, why was he surprised? There should have been no doubt in his mind, with the pathetic, useless life he had lead, that his death would have been anything but mundane.
Another shudder of pain passed through him, taking his breath away, and in the utter still Shinji thought he heard the sound of footsteps in the hall - wondered vaguely if anyone would bother to come in, it wasn't as if he had anything to steal, not even his cello anymore.
The thought hurt more than he thought it would - a pile of wood, pegs and strings, yes, but all he'd had to call his own, all that had mattered for the last few years - and Shinji closed his eyes, too tired to fight, as the world drifted away... he only hoped, heaven or oblivion, that it wouldn't be so cold...
"I think I need to begin again with this courtship. I don't remember that it should contain so many explosions."
The warm, dry tenor swept through his thoughts with the rustle of fall leaves. He roused, tried to turn, as a startlingly warm hand touched him, low on his back...
"... oh god, it's you."
Kaworu.
The voice spoke again, husky and soft in his ear, though the words seemed to fall apart just as Shinji reached for them. He was being lifted effortlessly, breathed in deep - white musk and tea leaves - /now/ he remembered - the stir of emotion sluggish but restless, deeper than even the cold could consume. He buried his head against the man's chest, trying very hard not to crumble to pieces, the warmth of the body against his finally easing the pain.
"I love you, Kaworu." He hadn't said it, hadn't ever told the man before, with no opportunity in the past and mind and body too sick in the present - too sick /now/, really, but he had to say it, the angel had to know... "I love you, I love you, I-"
Warm, gentle lips stopped his words, took the sob he could not hold back, and Shinji gladly lost himself in the kiss - this perfect, first kiss - feeling the heat of it fill him, connect him to the world like a lifeline, using the very last of his strength to reach up and run his hands through the pale hair, fingers moving in fumbling motions against Kaworu's face. The man turned his head slowly, to place a kiss in the center of Shinji's hand, guiding it into a caress, the skin like smooth silk beneath his own, and Shinji felt almost embarrassed to touch something so beautiful.
"Hesitation, from you, because of me? Once again, Shinji, I think you are ignorant of your own position."
The words from the past made them both smile, and though the pale-haired man seemed to have no trouble holding him with one hand, he quickly made his way to the couch, reaching it just as Shinji felt another sharp, violent spasm of pain shoot through him, leaving him trembling in the other man's arms.
"It's nothing... I'm fine, it's nothing..."
It was a desperate, tremulous lie, but Shinji couldn't bear to see the worry in Kaworu's eyes - if Kaworu was worried... Emboldened by the pain, he leaned forward to catch the man in another kiss, thirsty for it, as he had never been for anything in his life. He frowned slightly, pulled away abruptly as he felt something wet against his brow, tilting his head as he regarded the angel.
------------------------
"Your hair is wet?"
Kaworu smiled at the plaintive, inquisitive tone. Shinji was utterly precocious when he wasn't paying attention, his focus wavering from point to point with surprising speed, the blue eyes watching him now utterly intent on an answer - or as intent as they could be, and what remained in that gaze, the growing void... Kaworu had never known fear, did not know what worry was supposed to be like, but what he was feeling now, it must have been close.
"I... mismeasured, when the Flare was dropped. I should have been here, to meet you at the door."
"Don't... don't worry about that. It doesn't matter, not at all, not when you're here..."
Kaworu could feel the sudden tension in the other man's body, the unexpected agony, though Shinji did his best to hide it, but the pain was getting worse, it could only get worse...
"I got your flowers." The smile, accompanying the soft words, was poetry. Kaworu had died for that shy beautiful grace, never thought twice, that he had sacrificed himself for the purest, most wonderful of souls.
"So you did." He lifted pale red eyes toward the bouquet, the edges of some of the flowers just starting to turn, to wither. Temporary, life was so... temporary here - and his hands tightened their hold on Shinji, though the dark-haired man didn't notice.
"... what do the roses mean? I never... I never learned about roses."
The pauses were unmistakable now, not with the way Shinji's gaze was beginning to waver, sheer excitement the only thing keeping it together, and focused on him.
"Peach roses, for modesty, and desire both... like you." If it had been ten years ago, it would have easily earned him one of the sweet blushes it had always amused him to see, and now, perhaps, if Shinji had not been so wounded...
"We can't stay here, Shinji. I am sure, eventually, SEELE will remember to care about your whereabouts..."
Kaworu looked up, just for a moment, but when he looked back down he found the blue eyes already dim and fading, the dark-haired pilot fighting his hardest to remain conscious, but losing...
"You aren't staying here, though... are you?" He touched two fingers gently against the curve of Shinji's jaw, searching - and the power he felt, the Dominion's echo... there was hardly anything left that was human anymore.
"I don't feel... Kaworu, I don't..."
"Ssh... it's all right. It will be all right."
-------------------------
He was being lifted again, trusted the hands that held him, the voice that had whispered it was all right. He'd trusted humanity - look where that had left him. No, if he was on the precipice, he'd trust only Kaworu, not to let him fall - or perhaps, to push him so gently that the fall wouldn't matter...
//... hurts, it hurts... Kaworu...//
Shinji winced against another sharp bolt of pain, the way it dropped down his spine before shattering and shivering all through his bones, bursting in his brain, behind his eyes... but a warm voice spoke to him through that agony, and though the words were a blur the tone was comforting... warm... loving...
It was worth any pain, to hear that voice again, it was worth /anything/...
//He was so much stronger than any of them, or me. Stronger than the world...// Whatever happened to him now, it would all be Kaworu's choice. He couldn't quite bring himself to wonder whether or not that was a dangerous thing, or a meaningless one.
Shinji frowned slightly, something wet and warm suddenly against his hand... opened his eyes - he was laying down now? Had they been moving? ... and - soft tongue, small, furry... licking his fingertips?
He opened his eyes, watching, but too tired to move as the puppy's tail beat the air, a bundle of nervous excitement as it continued to lick his hand, tiny teeth too small to be sharp nipping here and there.
The dark-haired man smiled at it, and after a few moments a slim, long-fingered hand moved the eager creature back with an affectionate rebuke, before turning to attend to him, touching his forehead gently with those warm, soft hands, the familiar voice murmuring peace, and sleep... and he did.