A broom is drearily sweeping
up the broken pieces of yesterdays life
Somewhere a queen is weeping
Somewhere a king has no wife.
Will the wind ever remember
the names it has blown in the past?
And with this crutch, its old age, and its wisdom
it whispers no, this will be the last.
Jimi Hendrix ~ The Wind Cries Mary
Chapter Thirteen
---------------------------
Toby's shoes made a less-than-satisfying soft clunk in the silence of SEELE's lower corridors. The woman had been pacing from room to room for hours, taking readings from Tiphereth's systems, overseeing repairs to the body, watching Lae make adjustments to Geburah based on his analysis of the battle, though the woman wasn't sure - after all that had happened - if he still really wanted to see the suit in action.
//... or have Soryuu at Cate's tender mercies.// The woman's jaw clenched as she silently fumed, remembering what the man had done to Shinji in the past, and now... now...
//How dare he!? /How/ many years have we... have /I/ worked on this project, for him to throw this at us /now/!?//
Toby tapped the sheaf of papers lightly against her knuckles, trying not to look at them too closely, to actually /read/ the orders from above...
//Well...// She thought with a bitter scowl, //I did tell myself I'd rather /know/ if that bastard added anything else to the suits.//
How could he ask this, though? Out of nowhere, all the years working on the project when there had never even been a sign of this? ... and so soon, when they'd just begun looking at all the data gathered from the first encounter. What made Cate so sure this would work, that this was the right thing to do?
//Unless he doesn't think it's right, or that it will work, and he just doesn't care. He's willing to use Shinji as a guinea pig, Toby, you know it's true.//
The scientist felt her stomach twist slightly, uncurled the papers enough to see a few words, the lines on a corner of the blueprint... she knew the rest, enough to understand what her boss wanted.
//The object that Shinji tore out of the Dominion - the power source that /I'm/ not allowed to examine - they want me to incorporate it as a weapon, into the suit.//
Cate's own cadre of scientists had given her facts and figures and models, and she was expected to rewire the cannon to the transport system, a system /designed/ the way it was to save the pilot's life, protect him from the effects of the core -
//It's /dangerous/, and we don't know what long-term effects, what it could do, even if I /could/... and god damn it, the suit's showing damage from just /carrying/ the damned thing!//
//... but if I could...//
The scientist winced at her own burst of inspiration. Cate had chosen too well, she knew she /could/ rig something together, given a little time and a little luck - though not even her superior knew why the woman did what she did, what drove her to working through sleepless nights, checking and re-checking every wire that ran through Tiphereth...
... why it was becoming more and more difficult to follow orders, orders she knew would hurt Shinji.
//You're going to do it again, aren't you... except this time, it really /will/ be all your fault.//
/Shut up!/
Toby keyed in the right commands, moving swiftly through the security clearance, passing two silent guards as she walked into Terminal Dogma still arguing with herself.
//... all your fault, just like before.//
/No, you're wrong. I won't.../
//It will hurt him, it can only hurt him.//
"... but you're right, Tobias Kent."
------------------------
Toby made it a point to visit Lilith and Adam now and again - no more than once a month, usually, it was too unnerving - but she had been coming more frequently ever since Shinji had been called in as their pilot, and she had realized that more and more difficult decisions would fall on her shoulders.
It was easier to gain some clarity of vision with the true face of horror right in front of your eyes. Lilith was a terrifying sight, merely by existing, and reminded the scientist every time she gazed at it, that the price of victory against creatures like this was worth whatever the cost, her life, a soldier's, an innocent's...
"You don't really believe that, though, or you wouldn't have to keep reminding yourself, would you?"
Toby took a step back, away from the stranger, wishing just for a moment for the gun she knew she could never carry, forcing herself to remain calm, though her mind screamed with opposing thoughts.
//He's not moving, though, whomever he is...//
The man was standing only a few paces from the wall enclosing Lilith and Adam, had yet to turn his eyes from them to her.
/No one can be here! How did he get past the guards?!/
If she had met him anywhere else, she couldn't help but think, she would not have even found him threatening. He was tall but quite slender, with pale hair and an air of careless calm about him, and Toby found herself bouncing between fright and confusion almost hard enough to leave bruises.
//He hasn't even turned around, whatever he wants.//
/It doesn't matter what he wants, how can he /be/ here?/
"Do you think I should have been less inconspicuous? Should I have attacked? I wouldn't mind watching him panic, knowing that I was here."
Toby gasped without meaning to, knew it had to be the angle she was standing at, that something seemed to shift, the air and the liquid between the man's hand and Adam trembling - insane, air couldn't waver like that - and his fingertips, his hand had moved... through the glass?!
"It would be so easy now, so much easier than the last time. All I had been consigned to do, is within my reach."
A small, almost sad smile touched the gentle curve of his lips, and the man let his hand fall, the world - a rubber band stretched nearly to breaking - shivering violently back to normal.
Toby could hear her heart pounding, felt goose bumps rise in a shivering wave along her skin, but inside she was calm, felt no fear as startlingly red eyes, pale and limitless, like the sea of LCL behind him, looked up to her.
"Who are you?"
----------------------------
"Sir, I think there's something you ought to see."
"Yes?"
Cate turned, as a button was clicked, and a third of the wall switched from shiny black to video screen, a view of Terminal Dogma, countless floors beneath where he now sat. The time stamp was less than ten minutes ago, and he watched as an unfamiliar figure entered the room, moving slowly, casually toward Lilith and Adam, behind the glass at the far end of the room.
"He's not one of ours sir, but none of the alarms went off. The guards haven't called to report, but we know they're still alive. You wanted us to tell you, if we saw anything like this."
"Yes."
Cate watched, as the camera moved in, automatically fixed to focus on the subject. Of course, after a few moments, he recognized the face. He'd spent the last ten years reconstructing SEELE, he'd seen /everything/.
"Well, well... it seems I've given Ikari much too much credit, if what he kills won't stay dead."
"There's nothing in any of the files on him, sir."
"You've checked."
"Three times sir, though we're still searching."
There had been computer files on the man, or at least on the boy he had been, Cate was sure of that. He knew he should have been annoyed, but it was actually somewhat of a pleasant surprise.
He had known all along, that the Dominions' power was - no matter how dangerous, how destructive - still not as impressive as that of the Angels who had come before, especially the one SEELE had bred on their own.
On screen, he watched, as the slim figure turned, ruby-red eyes looking directly into the camera.
//Kaworu Nagisa... well well, perhaps Shinji's piloted the suit better than I thought, if they've sent you back to take care of things.//
The picture went static, then dark.
"It was the last image we had, sir, a few minutes ago. We don't know what he did, but we don't have video or audio in the room anymore. Should we move in?"
"If he wanted to breach Dogma, we would all be dead by now. He's alone in there?"
"Kent is in there, sir, Tobias Kent, the head scientist on the Tiphereth project. She went in before we could lock it down."
"That's interesting."
"Sir?"
"Leave him be. He found the opening and took it... a worthy opponent."
Cate leaned his chin against his folded fingertips, thinking. His opponent, and Shinji's opponent as well. What would the other man do, when he discovered such a creature had returned?
He had read the reports, that for reasons had never been explained, this Kaworu had freely offered himself to be sacrificed. There had never been a true battle against the creature SEELE themselves had listed with power off any measurable scale. If he could get Shinji to repeat whatever miracle he had performed, weaken this Angel...
//I'll have to figure out my own way to kill it, if it manages to kill Ikari first... which is almost certain, if it's truly back to finish what it started.//
... which didn't make sense, if it was already standing in the center of the Dogma, and hadn't yet chosen to end the world.
Cate smiled slightly into the void of the empty screen. He'd been hoping for this, the battle that Shinji wouldn't give him, just too weak, too pathetic an adversary - but now, if it was a fight against a real Angel?
"Tell Kent - if she survives - that I want the cannon operational by dusk, and Shinji ready to suit up."
----------------------------
"They'll kill you for coming here, you know. You'll never leave this room alive."
Why didn't he look afraid of her words, or even crazy, some lunatic who had managed somehow to breach security? Toby had been expecting madness, but not this amicable calm, red eyes watching her with something almost like amusement. "Who are you?"
"The enemy." The easy smile negated the words, he shifted slightly toward her, placid calm in every movement. "SEELE's enemy, no doubt, and yours, I'm sure, with what I know."
"... and what do you know?" It was destined to be her downfall, she refused to be intimidated, but her slightly shrill words only provoked the ghost of a chuckle from the pale-haired man.
"I know what you plan to do to Shinji Ikari. I know that he's given the order, to implant the Dominion's core into the suit. I know that it will kill him if you do it, that Cate will kill him... and I know about your brother. All Evas have souls, though some only have the ghosts of souls, spun from guilt and self-loathing..."
The scientist flinched, but she had asked him what he knew. It took a deep breath to find any balance again, she opened her eyes to find him still watching her, as patient as the tides.
"My brother died because of this project."
"Terminal cancer. He was diagnosed in the middle of your research. Tiphereth did nothing to cause his death."
Toby shook her head, just slightly, trying as hard as she could not to see either the man's judgmental eyes, nor the masked, impassive vacancy of Lilith... he wasn't human, she wasn't sure where the thought came from, but she knew wholeheartedly that the figure in front of her wasn't human.
//I can tell my secret, to someone that isn't even...//
"I wasn't there, when my little brother died. I didn't go, because I was selfish, because I couldn't watch him die, because all I could see was the fear in his eyes, inside a body that wasn't his anymore, and it scared me. He died, and I wasn't there, I wouldn't stop working on Tiphereth, to be there while he died. I wasn't there when he needed me the most."
"Shinji needs you too."
"I will keep him safe, god damn it!!!"
Toby hadn't realized how upset she was until the scream came out, but the words were true, she had poured /everything/ she had into Tiphereth.
Cate's orders crumpled in her fist, she wouldn't let them go for anything now. Whatever the head of SEELE needed out of Tiphereth, she could give him, /and/ still keep Shinji alive. It would happen, it had to happen. How could she have abandoned her brother for anything less?
"The suit will work, believe me. We've learned so much, just from that first battle, I've already made so many modifications. I've dedicated my /life/ to researching the Eva suits, to improving upon the design. I won't fail Shinji."
The pale-haired man shook his head, almost looked regretful.
"You cannot match the pace of their evolution. Whatever you have learned, the Dominions have matched, doubled."
He moved toward her, step after maddening step, eyes level, expressionless, and she was taking even odds within her mind, that once he reached her he would kill her, simple as that. Toby didn't move as, instead of stopping, he passed her, but paused at her side, so close that if he had turned his head, he would be able to whisper in her ear.
"I won't allow Shinji Ikari to suffer, not anymore. The Dominions will be dealt with, the Lillim world will go on, but SEELE will disappear, forever. We may be enemies when we meet again. I will not hesitate to protect him from you."
"How do you know him?"
No answer. Toby didn't turn, heard the door open, waited for the sound of soldiers' angry shouting, didn't hear it... and calmly opened her tightly clenched fist, slowly, methodically smoothing out the plans, already making calculations in her head, how to add in Cate's new systems, and possibly make the cannon stronger than he required. There was too much work to be done, no doubt Tiphereth would be needed soon.
---------------------------
Shinji let his hand trail through her hair as she rose, watching the colors flicking in and out in the washed-out light of early morning, fires and autumn leaves and dying sunsets.
Asuka was beautiful nude, muscles from training half-hidden by feminine curves - he had never seen her this way, never knew this woman - and Shinji was content to simply look, at the softness of her inner arm, the drop of her neck, collarbones, into the gentle slope of her breasts, the space framed between her smooth, pale thighs as she moved away.
It hurt to watch what would never be.
"I'm dreaming."
"Yes."
"Who are you?"
Asuka's lips were the color of fresh peaches, shining softly as they caught a perfect sunbeam.
"Fate."
"My fate." He wasn't sure whether it was a question or not.
"Your fate." The world trembled, the morning wavered, and Rei stepped back toward him, red eyes as usual, unsmiling, her uniform perfect to the last pleat.
"I don't want you here."
The woman's voice was toneless.
"You don't want me?"
"No."
Another step closer, Asuka's candle flame hair licking around bare shoulders, her dark blue eyes an empty void.
"You don't want me?"
"I..." Shinji opened his hands at his sides, turning his head away and closing his eyes. The longing inside him, to touch her, to do /anything/ in order to simply not be alone, it was a fire, bitter agony almost out of control.
//... when I was a child, I behaved as a child...//
He could have loved her once, but now?
"I'm sorry, Asuka."
He turned his face away, not wanting to see, not wanting to feel, just to curl up and let the silence take him - why had he ever thought he could have a normal life?
A warm hand brushed lightly against his cheek, reaching up to run through his hair, and he felt lips brush against his ear, another hand turning his chin, drawing him into a gentle kiss, with another against his brow, and the hollow of his throat, no less passion than benediction...
"I want you, Shinji."
It hurt, how it hurt to hear the man say his name.
"Kaworu, oh god, please, /please/... I need you."
-------------------
"Shinji?"
The dark-haired man startled at the sound of his name, wrenching himself immediately from a hazy, warm place, to find himself staring at Brigid. He realized a moment later that he was blushing, as if she could have seen, could have known...
//Wait... what the?// A pair of small pruning shears was dangling from his left hand, his sleeves were covered in bits of leaves and stems - he was at the shop?
"Oh, I... I fell asleep, didn't I. Gomen - I mean, I'm sorry Brigid."
"It's all right Shinji." Brigid giggled at his embarrassment, moving past him to open the window, let some fresh air into the stuffy room. The dark-haired man quickly tried to return to his work, to figure out where he had been working on the arrangement before his unexpected nap. Thankfully, it seemed that he had nearly finished, though Shinji's attention kept drifting back to the dream anyway - Kaworu had been there, Kaworu had...
A hand touched his, just briefly, and he looked up into Brigid's worried eyes.
"You still look really tired, Shinji. Are you sure you're all right?"
Anything he said would be a lie, though he felt better with each hour that passed, a little stronger, recovering. He managed a weary smile, snipping a few sprigs of hawthorn to a more artistic height.
"I'm fine, Brigid. I think... I might still be a little sick." A better lie surfaced, he grabbed hold of it immediately. "I've always been the first one to get ill."
Brigid smiled again, it reminded him of the way a mother would smile, and turned away, carefully started extracting sprigs of flowers from several large bins along the floor. Shinji quickly finished the arrangement, reached for light blue ribbon, to complement the almost unearthly bouquet of white blooms he had created, morning glories, the hawthorn, roses so pale they were nearly transparent. He imagined who would receive this bouquet, some blushing bride, perhaps...
He looked at the order slip, instantly realized it was a mistake, eyes closing in pained reaction at the address. A funeral home, and what were the odds it was someone from the bridge disaster, the carnage he had caused?
"Shinji?"
The dark-haired man turned sharply, broken from his reverie.
"Mm?"
"I don't mean to pry, but..."
He carefully curled the blue satin around a pair of scissors, sliding it down to create a rippling fountain of curls, dimly noticing the hesitancy in Brigid's voice. If he had been feeling at all normal, he might have been worried... but his mind kept drifting, to the fight, to his dream.
"Yes?"
"The flowers, on your kitchen table? The man who came into the shop, the one you ran out after... I recognized... I mean, those flowers on your table...?"
Shinji smiled at her hesitance, it was sweet.
"Yes, it was the same bouquet."
"Is that why you ran after him? I mean... um..."
"I haven't seen him in a long time. Things..."
// - the steady, peaceful, loving look in those red eyes, Kaworu knowing what he would do, knowing what he had to do - and smiling.//
"... ended badly."
"Oh. So you, are you...?" Brigid grimaced even as the words came out, slapping herself hard in the forehead. "I'm sorry, Shinji, it's not like its any of my business."
"I miss him... but I'm scared to see him again." The words were surprisingly warm in his chest, because they were true... and because, ever so slowly, the happiness was edging out the fear.
//I really am a coward, really and truly.//
"Shinji..." He wondered briefly what expression was on his face, to cause the concern he could see on hers. "Shinji, if he's done... if something... I mean, Ben may be a bit dense at times, but... if you ever need someone to..."
Shinji smiled, a real smile, nearly laughed as he realized what she was saying.
"No, Brigid. It's not him, he's not hurting me."
//He was the only one who never hurt me.// Shinji knew that now, that however Kaworu had betrayed him, it had been all the Angel could do, all he had been allowed...
//... and I was never forced to fall in love.//
"It's complicated."
He yawned suddenly, unable to cover his mouth now that he was using both hands to carry the flowers. Brigid smiled, taking them from him.
"You can go home early if you want, you know. I know you've got that concert tonight, I don't think they'd appreciate you falling asleep in the middle of it."
"No. I'm fine... really."
He wouldn't go home a moment sooner than he had to, didn't want to be alone long enough that SEELE could come after him, could try to take even one more fragment of the shattered pieces of his normal life.
He didn't want to turn a corner, and see the pale-haired, ruby-eyed ghost of all his regrets smiling at him, even as his heart yearned for it, desire and desperation so sharp inside he was nearly ill.
Shinji was terrified, of what would happen next.
----------------------
"What's he doing?"
"I dunno... he's been like that for like, five minutes."
Karen was leaning on Emily, who was leaning on a pile of sale jeans, both of them watching their new co-worker, who was standing perfectly still, with his eyes closed and his head tilted back slightly, beneath the in-store speaker.
"... listening to the music?"
"Yeah, but there's nothing great about it."
//At least this is more interesting, even if he is completely crazy...//
They both jumped slightly, as Kaworu turned, watching him watch them. He tipped his head slightly, pale bangs tumbling softly in front of those strange, perfect eyes - she could almost hear Emily melting into a puddle beside her.
"Kaworu, what are you doing?"
He shrugged slightly, lifting his gaze back up. "Listening. I've never heard anything like this before..."
The man's tone was so reverent, it was near impossible for someone not to burst into giggles - so of course, Emily did.
"What? The song? It's Jimi Hendrix! I mean, yeah it's real old, but there's been a great revival... what, have you been /dead/ for the last ten years or something?"
Kaworu considered, that there were just some things it was better to keep to oneself - but the fact that she knew the name of this musician was intriguing.
"... Hendrix?"
Karen winced as Emily's jaw dropped.
"Now you did it, boy. You're standing in front of the New York oldies music dynamo. Emily's dad is a DJ for a classic rock station, /real/ classic rock, you know, the fifty-year old stuff..."
"Perfection doesn't go out of style." Emily sniffed, turning to Kaworu with a wicked grin. "... so, I mean, you've never heard of Hendrix? At all?" Kaworu shook his head. "What about Clapton? The Doors? Santana?"
Emily's eyes were nearing the size of hubcaps as she got to the end of the list, and Kaworu was still shaking his head.
"How much money do you have for a starter CD collection?"
Karen could tell the man was seriously considering the question, figured he'd probably tell her not to bother, that he was low on cash, something normal...
"I'd like to spend less than... $10,000?"
It was now Karen who felt her jaw drop, listening to Emily giggle in delight.
"After work, we are SOOOO going shopping!"
-------------------
The hours passed quietly, though his anxiety only grew. Shinji had very nearly dropped three vases in a row by the end of his shift, and left without goodbyes to anyone, making his way quickly back to his apartment.
The wind was starkly cold, for some odd reason, and seemed to know precisely where to nip and snap at the exposed skin at his wrists and ankles, though the chilling walk also burned away some of his excess energy, a little of the equally cold dread.
//No need to be anxious. It never got you anywhere before. Worried or no, it usually ended the same. The really bad days, you never saw them coming.//
It was the truth, and in an ironic way comfortable then, to overreact. It might insure anything from happening.
//Of course, if that's what you really want.//
Shinji felt a small smile twist his lips momentarily, though he felt no happiness, just a feeling as sharp as it was inexplicable, unnamed...
//Why did you come to me, Kaworu? I'm just a stupid human, twisted and scarred and self-pitying to excess, four billion of us who think the greatest gift we possess is just making more of us. The sound and the fury, and the great, wide nothingness - what could I /possibly/ be worth, to someone like you?//
He should have been thinking about Cate, and Tiphereth, and what he was going to do about the fact that the man obviously didn't care what happened to him, and was most likely going to groom Asuka to take his place, no matter /what/ he did or said, or how well he obeyed.
Shinji knew this, and also knew that it was impossible, felt nothing but disjointed, disconnected from his entire body and the world save for the chilly wind that had more or less numbed him from head to toe. He had flowers in his apartment. Flowers from Kaworu, and no matter how hard he tried, the idea that Kaworu wanted to hurt him, that the Angel could even manage an emotion as ugly as anger, seemed less and less remotely real.
//... and if he wants me, for whatever reason, for whatever pain, I'm his.//
Shinji knew he wouldn't resist, the world was made up of so many things worse than seeing Kaworu again, even if it was so that the Angel could calmly end the world.
Deep in thought, he barely noticed entering his apartment complex, dimly aware of the squeak on the sixth step, the way he had to slam his hand against the foyer door twice to open it without it sticking. All was quiet, no sign of anyone or anything out of the ordinary, and when he opened up his apartment, no one was waiting to greet him.
Shinji let out the breath he had been holding, unsure of whether or not he was relieved - and then he realized his lights were on. He never left his lights on.
"I told them I was your sister-in-law, that I had to drop off a surprise birthday present. He said that I didn't look dangerous. I agreed."
Toby smiled wearily from other end of the hallway.
"I've been told to collect you."