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He was crying again. It happened at such odd intervals, that he could never quite predict... but frequent enough, the sadness sweeping in and out of his heart like a few bars of music, the sweetest, yearning notes, beautiful echoes in his heart that, even when the cellist remembered them, he could never quite capture in his own melodies, never quite draw into the air...
//As if that might help... somehow, it might make that sorrow ease...//
Shinji had been arranging dried flowers in a small alcove on the second floor of the shop. It had started raining, and he had pushed the window open, to hear the soothing sound, smell the fresh air... and then it had just /happened/, the tears coming all at once, and he could not hold them back.
No one could see him up here, though, and he knew it would be all right, just for a while, to let go...
Half of him wanted to blame the sudden surge of emotion on SEELE, and on that strange meeting the evening before... but Shinji knew that wasn't it, that he really hadn't thought about the man, or what he'd said since they had left him...
//Save the world... again.//
The words felt like they had no meaning at all, not even in abstract, and if they were supposed to substitute for more, for information Shinji was sure he wouldn't be told, the former Eva pilot was far from impressed.
The dark-haired man watched his tears fall, made no attempt to wipe them away. He felt no real shame for his sorrow, most of that self-hatred had died when he left Tokyo 3... and now Shinji knew it had died with his father, buried in the wreckage of desires that the boy had never been a part of.
No one would ever know that he cried, or the reasons why, and so it was all right, to let his heart ache a little, to ease the ever-constant effort, of keeping so many of his memories at bay...
//If I have to... if I have to pilot again... can I?//
Funny, SEELE hadn't bothered to even tell him who his enemy was... what on earth, with the Angels gone, no threat for ten years, what could be left to fight?
//Oh yes, and it really even required an Eva to kill Kaworu? It really was necessary, to kill him like /that/...//
Shinji released a long, ragged breath, pushing /those/ memories away, unwilling to remember a pain that wouldn't let him go.
It wasn't unbearable, not anymore. It had been that way at first, a maddening, screaming thing that Shinji had wished would simply consume him, end the world for him, as he had ended everything for the other boy...
//Did I tell him I loved him...? I honestly can't remember... but, I did realize then, didn't I... that I loved him then?//
It was the question that haunted him the most, and kept him awake on nights when the wind was cold and the moon was too bright, and closing his eyes brought back too many warm, gentle wishes, memories of hope and happiness dancing across his skin.
Did Kaworu die knowing his love was requited, or that it would be one day? Did Shinji at least give him that comfort? The dark-haired man honestly didn't know, only knew that the love, the ache of what had been lost had only grown stronger with every year that had followed, and each day he realized, how much nicer it would have been, how much he would have wanted to share...
//Kaworu knew... he always knew everything... I'm just sorry, that I never said the words...//
No, it wasn't a nightmare, to live without that presence in his life... hell, to be perfectly realistic, Shinji had to admit that he'd really barely known...
//Don't you dare. You knew from the /moment/ you met him, you just didn't understand what that /meant/ back then. You didn't have the time, or the experience... Kaworu /was/ your soul mate, the only person who could ever be that for you... and if you didn't know it then, you know it now. Whatever else he was, he was that, and you can never replace him... don't you dare shame his memory by hiding from the truth.//
/All right then.../
Shinji quietly conceded the argument to his conscience, knowing that voice spoke true... but even if he /was/ alone now, would be for quite possibly forever, it still wasn't /impossible/ to live without Kaworu, not so much a struggle to get through each day, as a quiet, solemn journey, simply devoid of the hope of ever finding that kind of love again. It was having to live, just knowing that things would never be as good as they once were...
//He was the brightest star in my sky, the one I looked to, the one I wanted to see. I think about him every day... and it's only when I realize he's gone, that he'll never come back... that it hurts...//
Funny, how easy it was to imagine Kaworu alive, as if death were some sort of hide-and-seek, and he was only waiting for Shinji to find him.
//Will you... wait for me...?//
A strange thought, more of a murmur, a hazy watercolor flitted through his mind... It was something newly conjured when he thought of Kaworu now... ever since the attack, this new feeling had been haunting him, of... of...
As Shinji reached for it, he felt it vanish from the back of his thoughts... and when he waited, and it didn't return, there was nothing to do but move on.
The man didn't try to dramatize, had accepted Kaworu's death much as he had finally accepted the rejection of his father... it was the way of the world, and all that and worse had happened to many, many others...
//Asuka... Misato...//
He had not been singled out for any special punishment, this was simply life.
It still hurt, though, life or no. His heart ached, and there was a special sorrow in knowing that it /always/ would... that there was a void inside of him, where something warm and wonderful ought to have been, something unique, gone forever...
//... and on rainy days like these, when life seems so long, and the sky is an empty horizon...// Shinji stopped trying to finish his work, instead looking out the window, over a small section of the city, the sharp angles muted, and the usual nose quieted by a blanket of gray. //... on days when I realize what's to be, the empty future... I cry.//
"Shinji! Do you have that arrangement almost done!?"
He jumped, nearly dropped the wicker basket in his hands at a shout from Brigid below.
"I'm close, Brigid... hold on!"
The woman's shout shocked him from his melancholy mood, and Shinji quickly wiped his eyes, took a few deep breaths to calm his pounding heart.
//You should be thinking about SEELE anyway, and the fact that they never really /said/ what they wanted from you.//
Shinji quickly arranged the bouquet, red cypress, pale cardamine, white flowers with a name he couldn't remember save that they supposedly meant despair... He added ambrosia almost as an afterthought, hoping to balance the mood of the piece, and carefully loaded it into the dumbwaiter, sending it down to where he knew Ben was waiting.
"Thanks!" The blonde man's shout echoed up the metal shaft, and Shinji smiled, hearing a few more loud noises, he and Brigid most likely arguing about which direction would reach the client most quickly...
The bouquets the shop created were decidedly odd, as Vara usually ordered a wide array of lesser-known blossoms, and cultivated a garden of wildflowers in an empty lot behind her home, much of which eventually ended up in the shop as well. Shinji enjoyed the fact that he and Brigid were more or less free to create what they wished, knowing their clientele expected the original...
//Free, free to work with soft, gentle things...//
He had grown very fond of the feel of flower petals beneath his hands, and the smell of a fresh, green world, with the sounds of the city outside, rather than the constant whir of computers, and the metallic tang that always hung in the air around the Evas, the chemical odors nearly thick enough to /taste/... the hard, sharp, lifeless nature of all that metal, concrete and plastic...
//... and the smell of blood.//
Shinji had grown fond of his job at the florist's, but never truly accustomed to it, a part of him unable to think on his new life as anything more than a quiet dream, and always fearing, eventually, that it would come to an end.
It might have been the reason the call from SEELE didn't really take him by surprise, and why listening to their vague promises, some threats, some insults never really connected, never seemed that important. A part of him had /always/ been expecting it, to pick up the phone one morning - of course, not his father's voice to greet him - but the message would be pure Gendo Ikari... that he was needed, that he would have to be ready in an hour, or a half-hour, or a few minutes, that he would be back in his plugsuit, and returned to his Eva...
//No... no no no no... I won't... I /won't/...//
Shinji looked down, surprised to find his hands were trembling. He took a deep breath, released it... Yes, he had been living in fear, in constant wary trepidation of that moment for the last ten years, and now the past had found him once again.
//... and it is not my father... my father is dead.//
... but how did he know? How did he really know, that his father wasn't behind it all? There was no doubt in Shinji's mind, that Gendo Ikari wouldn't have hesitated to create such a lie, if it were in his own best interests. Certainly, with very little persuasion, he would have been able to bring everyone else along into the charade, Misato, Asuka, Rei... and perhaps this all /was/ simply some sort of test, to see what might happen if one pilot was separated from the rest, left to his own devices and then called back...
//Ten years... do you really think...?//
Yes. Gendo Ikari could be that cruel, and would never consider it cruelty.
//... but the men... they didn't /seem/ like... I don't know, but there was something...//
Some reason, that the man who had met him at the coffeehouse just didn't seem like someone his father would send, that he was lacking something very important, something...
//He didn't seem... he seemed almost... nervous?// No one in NERV had ever been anything less than professional, and completely self-assured. Shinji had always thought those in SEELE would have been, if anything, /more/ confident... but he knew for sure that this man had not been that way, not at all...
//Confident enough to threaten me, though... that if I ran, SEELE would find me...//
Shinji had no intentions of running, though, not from anyone. He found that he finally believed now what he hadn't ever wanted to. Running, in the end, would solve nothing.
//... and so, do you intend to fight?//
Fight /what/, though? The man had never said, only explained that this was mainly an exploratory meeting, to see if Shinji was well - they had heard about the attack - and whether he was ready to return should he be needed...
-//as if this were some sort of /vacation/... ten years away, and to them it's as if I never left, or considered that part of my life /over/.//-
It had been a surprisingly polite inquiry, until Shinji had deliberately tested the boundaries...
"What if I say no?"
It was perfectly within his rights. He might have been the Third Child, but if it had ever been an obligation, Shinji knew the sacrifices he had made, and those that had been made for him more than exceeded the price of his freedom.
//Kaworu's sacrifice wasn't made so I could be your thug, some sort of hired hand...//
For all he knew, SEELE wanted him for a military weapon.
"Well, Mr. Ikari-" The man hadn't been able to call him by his first name for most of the conversation, Shinji had done his best to just ignore it. "If you really are unwilling to help us... we are also seeking out the location of a Ms... Langly? We believe she might prove to be more cooperative."
"No!"
Shinji knew as soon as he said it, that the protest was exactly what they were expecting from him, and he could see the smile hidden on the man's too-blank face. It was their trump card. Either he fought, or they would bring the offer to Asuka... and the dark-haired man knew that she /would/ fight for them, especially if they mentioned that Shinji had turned them down.
//Pride, and honor... she'd rather die than admit weakness, and if she tries to fight again, she /will/...//
Shinji had no idea how Asuka had recovered, or how well she was doing now, but he had no doubt that she'd never be able to pilot an Eva again, and was just as sure that she'd kill herself trying...
//So... I agreed.//
If it meant saving Asuka's life, he would meet with these men, would join SEELE. He would learn what they wanted, what enemy he was to fight, and how...
The dark-haired man kept absently adding flowers to another display, sprigs of brightly colored butterfly weed that nearly broke apart in his tightly clenched hands - how dare they, how dare they threaten him with Asuka's life, how dare they threaten /her/... the Angels were gone, the danger of Third Impact was over... Why... why weren't they ever allowed to just live in peace...?!
Shinji heard the bell ring downstairs, as a customer entered the shop. He added the final few sprigs of flowers to the next and final dried piece, carefully sending it down as he had the last basket...
Two voices rose, slightly distorted, to meet him, and his hands froze on the chain.
Brigid's bright voice rang like bells, most likely speaking of flowers, though he could not quite make out the words... and when that other voice spoke again, a deeper, hazy murmur, Shinji's heart, already stirred to sharp attention, immediately leapt into his throat.
//... sounds like...//
/oh... god./
//... can't be, it /can't/ be!//
The soft, barely audible rumble sent electric chills through his entire body, and Shinji stared, wide eyed at nothing, straining to catch every note of the voices that spoke, but still failing to make out the words...
//Not possible... it's /not/ possible...//
//... yes, but it /is/.../
A person's scent, a person's voice, both sensations called to the heart first, ignoring logic and even memory... and though the other boy had never... there had never been a chance to get close enough, to learn the scent that was his alone, that /voice/...
//... Kaworu?//
Shinji's breath left him in a choked gasp, very soft, as he strained towards that sound, the easy, relaxed cadence...
//Can't be... it just /can't/...//
/Go down and find out, then... go on, there's nothing stopping you./
Shinji was frozen where he stood, despite the goading of that voice, his hand clenching the chain so tightly it hurt. The murmur seemed to call to him, even muffled it was filled with an incredible strength and confidence... the dark-haired man couldn't hear, didn't care for Brigid's replies, only the steady murmur, /Kaworu/... his voice... /Kaworu/...
//It's not... it can't...//
I saw him die... I saw him... /I killed him/!!!
//... but it is, it's... it's...//
/Go to him./
The dark-haired man squeezed his eyes shut with a tight, pained groan, feeling his heart pound, forcing that sound back, so that he wouldn't miss even the slightest change in... in... oh god it /was/ him...
/Go down there... now... you'll regret it... the rest of your life, if you don't.../
//I can't... I /can't/...//
It hurt too much... too much to lose, to be deceived, the memories flashing still so clearly through his mind... Kaworu, smiling up at him, the horrible realization, that those calm, ruby eyes already knew what he would do... and still loved him... /still/...
Betrayal... and fear... he could not bear it, to be hurt like that again...
//I can't... I don't know... why did you? Why...//
/It still hurts... too much?/ Shinji gasped, swore for a moment that his thoughts were not his alone... /If time is what you need most.../ perhaps a slightly wistful, melancholy sigh at this, he wasn't sure, /... of course, my Shinji... I can give you time./
//No, wait!//
Shinji's head jerked up, as he heard the bell above the store door ring again...
/Kaworu... no!/
//... he's leaving, he's /leaving/!//
Shinji bolted down the steps, taking the last seven at once in a wild leap to the floor. Brigid looked up, wide eyed, as he planted one hand against the countertop and vaulted over the table, sprinting through the store, out the door...
/Faster, damn it!/
//Kaworu, don't go!//
Shinji slammed the door open, quickly coming to a dead halt in the center of the sidewalk, looking right, left... his heart pounded in his chest as he took a few deep gulps of air, staring wildly...
... but the street was bare in both directions, all the way down to the corners, and any possible escape was too far for the man to have made it to in so short a time...
//At least... a normal man...//
"Kaworu?"
Shinji couldn't help but call out softly, not surprised when he received no answer, the street quiet and fairly empty, the air still fresh and wonderfully cool in the rain's afterglow...
He was alone.
The dark-haired man stayed on the sidewalk for a long moment, before walking slowly back into the shop, knew Brigid was watching him closely, concerned.
"Are you all right, Shinji?"
The dark-haired man nodded, realized that she had probably never seen him move that quickly before, or seen his usual calm demeanor change so sharply...
"Did you know that man or something?"
Shinji nodded slightly, unsure of how to feel, of what had happened... it couldn't have been... somehow, he had simply imagined, had /wanted/... and a case of mistaken identity wasn't impossible, not compared to the alternative...
/It still hurts... too much.../
... and it was truth, he would have given almost anything, to see Kaworu just one more time.
Brigid, after another worried glance in her co-worker's direction, returned to her work, her own thoughts about that strange customer also occupying her mind, but, unlike Shinji, making her smile. There was a kindness, a sense of peace and gentleness about the man, something in his warm manner, perhaps, the cheerful contentment he seemed to radiate... A special person, surely, to come into their shop... a good omen, for a rainy day...
"... and he really did have the strangest eyes..." the woman murmured, her hand brushing absently against a light red rose.
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Author's Notes
1. The flowers in this story are all used for a reason. Most of the meanings I took from various sites on the web, though many of the ones from this chapter came from http://www.envy.nu/lilack/sites.htm, an offshoot of the narcissistic anima web log. (http://lilack.pitas.com/)