"We are all sentenced to solitary confinement inside our own skins, for life."
- Tennessee Williams
Chapter Twenty-One
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Virgil kept licking his nose, until Shinji found the rope toy and tossed it further down the hall. Nails clicked after the dull, thudding roll, and eventually all Shinji could hear was growling. The toy must have gotten stuck somewhere. It was for the best, really, rather difficult to entertain a puppy with his pants being firmly slid past his hips.
"Ah... Kaworu... this isn't really... comfortable." The back of his head was aching against the hard floor, and he kept stretching and bumping his knuckles against the door frame. The closest rug was rumpled against the wall, no help to him now. A strand of hair brushed against the curve of his thigh, followed by a fingertip. Oh well, comfort was really just a state of mind.
"Mmm." It was the sound Kaworu made whenever he sympathized with Shinji, but wasn't about to defer from his own plan. The sound he made when he knew he was right, and knew Shinji knew it too.
It was the sound he made most the time.
It wasn't the first time Kaworu had done this. Shinji would have called it pouncing if the other man ever moved faster than a languid stroll. Still, twice before breakfast he had been ambushed in a sudden tangle of arms and legs, nothing to complain about but it had left him rather out-of-sorts for his first day back at the store.
It hadn't been much of a problem explaining his absence, Ben was always so easygoing and Vara always seemed to know everything anyway, but Brigid kept making teasing comments about convalescence, going right over Ben's head but dead set on making him blush - which he did, several times. Stuttering badly over all the questions Brigid gladly answered for herself, that he'd been gone so long making a long-overdue 'love connection'.
Shinji couldn't blame her, most of the day he was terribly clumsy, and felt more like air and light than a real person. He'd gotten home before Kaworu, had taken Virgil out for a walk, happier with the sight of his keys on a table, the sound of his footsteps on concrete and the slight tug on the leash than he'd been since he could remember. It was normal. It was perfect.
The most terrifying thought he'd ever had was realizing a day could only end by getting worse, the hurdles of an empty bed, a silent midnight to come, so conversely it was the most wonderful to realize it could only get better.
The better came immediately, Kaworu home when he returned and catching him in the hallway almost before Shinji had hung the leash back in the closet.
"I r-really think we should do this on a - oh."
Kaworu did something very pleasant with his tongue, and Shinji felt his muscles lock, fingers flexing at nothing as the man coaxed a few more sounds out of him. His head was still digging into the floor, but Shinji couldn't quite bring himself to mind.
Helpless, he'd spent most of his life helpless, against his father, the Eva, NERV, even himself. It was an unexpected relief, to have warmth and desire pooling here and there in his body, and not just pain. The inevitability of something other than pain - and it was a toss-up, as good a lover as Kaworu was, whether he appreciated the peak or what came just after more.
It was so easy to breathe.
"Welcome home." Kawrou breathed against his stomach, and Shinji wondered vaguely if he should do something, even though his whole body felt a little beyond his reach at the moment. It was just too unexpected, that everything he did seemed to make Kaworu happy. He could pick out a memory, half-asleep with the angel murmuring in his ear, something about apology and making up for... so maybe it was the right thing to do, just to accept it, to smile as Kawrou slid up beneath his arm, kissing him, leaning back just for a moment so Shinji could admire the dark, sunset hues in his eyes.
"They'll be knocking at the door soon."
"Who?"
"SEELE."
The world mediated through Kaworu was a surprisingly pleasant place to be - the revelation didn't make him blink twice. Shinji didn't really feel like himself completely anymore, not since he'd spent so much time in the angel's care, the angel's thoughts... but he liked this new person better.
"Oh. Why?"
"They will want you to fight again."
"Oh. Shinji blinked, reality slowly reasserting itself. "I guess I should get some pants on, then."
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"It is time for you and I to talk, I think."
Asuka startled, turning as far and as fast as she could to stare at the man at the door. Cate, in charge of all of this, stone-faced and intimidating and she /hated/ that she was nervous. Hated that she could hear her heart pounding, fingertips stroking uselessly at the flesh of naked, unresponsive limbs. They were going to put her in the suit, it was time for more tests, but for the moment they hadn't yet and she was completely helpless.
"Where is Misato?"
"Out with Lae. Discussing..." He tipped his head a little, a gesture she did not understand. "She doesn't like it that you're doing this, does she?"
"She thinks I'll get hurt."
"What do you think?"
Fury. Rage. Denial. She had been the /best/, the best pilot ever and if that damned Shinji Ikari hadn't kept screwing up... A little of her anger must have shown up on her face, she heard Cate chuckle ever so slightly.
"I thought so. I was rather amazed someone as weak as Shinji Ikari had ever come so far in the program, anyway. Not on his own merits, of course. Everything he was, his father had pre-programmed. He wasn't so impressive, even as a tool."
Asuka scowled, suddenly not as disgusted as she had been. It was her anger at Shinji, /her/ right - what did this man think he knew? What did he think he understood about the Angels, or the sort of hell they had lived through?
The world flashed and trembled in off-colors, brought about by her anger and Asuka had to remember she wasn't so fixed yet, wasn't whole or even really sane but held together by the suit... and he had come to her now, when she wasn't wearing it.
A hand came up beneath her chin, thumb gripping just a bit beneath her lower lip, not a gentle gesture, not kind. Cate was pitiless, staring down at her, and her heart shrank in on itself. Everything she thought she had won and earned was stripped away by the look in his eyes. Of course, of course - because this was the way it always was. The way it had been when that Angel had... hurt her, the way it had been when she was discarded. No longer useful, no longer special despite how hard and how long she tried.
"If Shinji Ikari had survived, you would not be here, you know."
The thought stabbed. He knew it would, she could see his eyes narrow just slightly at the breath that escaped her.
"You're not going to disappoint me, are you, Asuka?"
"N-no." She nearly screamed at the slight tremble in her voice. "No, sir."
"Good."
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Lae turned away, expecting the alarms that would sound before he hit the door. The Dominion cores had been acting strangely, glowing and flickering, and he'd gotten very familiar with reading them. After spending so long just staring, watching them, he thought that someday he could understand their language very well. Maybe even well enough to understand their true potential, the one he saw but could not tap into
He would have the time to think about it, though, after SEELE had been thoroughly crushed, all his enemies permanently removed. Cate smiled, remembering the fear and the nervousness in the girl's eyes when he'd mentioned Shinji.
//Stupid girl, stupid stupid... proud and useless girl.//
SEELE had sent him a message, not really a chance to surrender though he supposed he could have interpreted it that way. SEELE, still playing by the old rules, still so proud and sure of its power. Shinji Ikari was alive. Toby was assisting them in the construction of a new suit. They knew about the Dominions, about his plans for the cores. Big Brother had been watching all along, and now that Cate had gathered all his toys together, he was just supposed to watch them get taken away.
//Not this time. The days of SEELE are long past, and it is time for all good little plutocrats to consign themselves to the dust.//
Cate could hear footsteps behind him as he walked away, Lae and Misato no doubt readying Asuka for the fight. No more time for tests, and she'd done /so well/ already - but he was certain she was still listening to his words, the threats... and when the crazy little girl met Shinji Ikari on the battlefield it wouldn't matter what kind of protection his new suit could offer.
Not that she was any sort of invincible ally, the threads tying sanity and rationality together in her mind fragile enough to break under any weight. If she could destroy Shinji, the Dominion, and /herself/ in the course of this fight...
The fourth Dominion might prove a problem, but in his mind cleaning up this mess was worth a little aggravation, in dealing with the last of them. Cate reminded himself to find a gun before the end of all this. It would be a shame to lose Lae, but if he protested when it was time to take care of Misato, he would have to be dealt with. It honestly might be the preferable course of action, all things considered.
The time of the Dominions was at its close, and perhaps it was better for Tiphereth and Geburah, and everyone involved, if they followed their creations into oblivion.
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"They're here."
Shinji was putting on his other sock when the call came from the kitchen, just before the knock at the door. It felt wrong, somehow, to be so calm, so ready to face what might be soldiers, weapons, whatever SEELE could bring to bear... and he paused, sniffing.
"Kawrou, what are you cooking?"
"Soup."
Intrigued - it smelled rather nice even if he couldn't place it - Shinji fumbled with his top two buttons and made his way into the other room. Immediately he was laughing, couldn't help it, Kaworu's look as close to confused as Shinji ever seen him. He was employing an absolutely gargantuan pot, and gingerly stirring with the ladle, picking it up from time to time to test.
"It looks... red." It did not escape Shinji's attention just how many bottles of spices and herbs were strewn around the countertop. "Minestrone?"
"Perhaps." Shinji did snicker then, and Kawrou looked up and smiled, reaching a hand up to ruffle his hair as he put his head on the angel's shoulder and arms around his waist.
It took him a moment to realize the knock at the door meant that SEELE was still waiting. He had forgotten about them
"Do you need me with you?" Kawrou asked, as if he already knew the answer, and Shinji was startled by his own impulses, the fit of playfulness that had him nipping at the other man's earlobe, the easy smile as he turned toward the door.
"Keep stirring. I'll be right back."
The world had changed here, but as soon as he opened the door Shinji remembered that nothing has changed on the outside. The woman he was staring at was very obviously SEELE She had the same starched deadness of everyone else, involved in Instrumentality and the end of the world. Amazing, if Kaworu was really at the heart of all of this, so much closer to the truth than anyone else, that he was also the only one who really ever smiled. The only one who seemed at ease with anything.
//Or at least, he used to be the only one.//
Shinji could feel the ghost of anxiety, whatever it was when these confrontations happened in the past, whatever made him feel small and helpless. It vanished in the space between breaths, and he was staring at her, wondering just what he was supposed to feel if he couldn't feel intimidated or afraid.
Behind her, Toby gasped, eyes gone wide and a hand to her mouth. The woman in front smiled.
"Shinji Ikari?"
He nodded, and stepped back, inviting her in with a tiny gesture of his hand. The woman immediately stepped inside, Toby following with a little more hesitation, only looking at him when she thought he was turned away. No one else, no soldiers, no threats, and though he saw a man standing near a car, parked further down the street, he did not seem part of any attacking force.
The SEELE woman was in the hallway just behind him, staring very carefully at Kaworu. It was the sort of stare that would unnerve the hell out of him if it were anyone other than Kawrou looking back - he could take care of himself, and if she didn't know it then this SEELE was even less impressive than the re-established NERV.
"Amazing." She smiled proudly, and Kaworu stared back and whatever passed between them was well beyond Shinji's understanding. Soon enough, it disappears, and there was only a playful interest as she tipped her head, gesturing toward the pot.
"Italian wedding? Why'd you add tomatoes?"
Kaworu shrugged, and the same amused, impressed, dangerous glance flitted through her eyes again as she turned back to Shinji.
"So, did he tell you why we're here?"
"The third and fourth Dominions... they are still coming." He moved toward the living room, wanting to sit down for what was probably going to be a long discussion.
//Sales pitch. It shouldn't take that long. You already know why they're here. Kaworu told you.//
The lack of fear was such a tenuous thing. He tried to ignore it fading, the sense of foreboding rushing in.
"Yes, Shinji." The woman seemed impressed with how well he was taking all of it in. It was so easy, Shinji thought, when he was simply waiting for the worst of it.
//Your mother died for this.//
//Your father needs you to pilot the Eva.//
//Kaworu is an Angel, and you'll have to kill him.//
It was coming, something as painful as all the moments of his past, and he could easily accept the rest of what she had to say, while waiting for the final detail meant to shatter him.
"We have a much more advanced detection system than existed when you fought the original Angels, more than NERV today, and we know that Muriel is coming. The Dominion may be attempting to reach Adam, but that is not the reason Cate rebuilt NERV. If anything, Adam is merely bait."
"The cores."
Shinji's hand slid unwittingly to his wrist, rubbing away a chill of memory that refused to fade. The burning sensation of an alien form, eating him alive from within. As if he could feel his lover's troubled thoughts, Kaworu appeared from the hall, moving slowly but deliberately to Shinji's side.
"Yes, the cores. Cate is building a weapon of intense power, a beam fueled by the Dominion cores, with the ability to reach and destroy any city in the world. The power of the cores is all but unlimited. If he succeeded in building such a weapon, he would move to return his country to the place he believes it belongs in the world - and he would annihilate anyone who dared disagree. We believe that this weapon..."
"Space laser." Shinji couldn't help himself.
The woman sucked in a breath, eyes narrowing in annoyance.
"Yes. Space laser. We believe that with the acquisition of the third core, the weapon will at least be partially functional. Cate /will/ use it, and we cannot determine where the target might be. Muriel will fall, but thousands, hundreds of thousands could die anyway."
Shinji felt it tremble through him, somewhere in the pit of his stomach and down through his legs in a wave of numbing gravity. He didn't even have to ask, already knew...
"Geburah."
"Cate has contacted Miss Asuka Soryuu... and your old guardian, Misato, is it? They are here, Shinji. They are training. Asuka is preparing, even now, to destroy the third Dominion."
At least he didn't have to wait anymore, for the worst of it.
//They took her. You failed and they took her, you knew that they would.//
Shinji was glad there was a chair behind him, he didn't think he had the strength to move much further, leaning forward until his head was half between his legs and he could take a full breath without the fear of gagging. So much for that state of peace - except a hand pressed against his shoulder, warm and real and though it was just body heat it felt like much more, a steadying sense of peace and confidence. Shinji glanced up, and Kawrou smiled.
//I do not deserve you.// Shinji thought it was true, but the look in the red eyes said otherwise and he sure as hell didn't trust his own opinion.
"Can you give me a minute? Please. I just need a minute alone."
Kawrou nodded, and as he left Shinji saw the woman from SEELE touch his arm, just slightly, and he /knew/ they'd be talking and no doubt she wanted something else from him.
Thank God, thank whatever merciful force just might exist in some small measure on this planet that Kawrou could take care of himself and he didn't have to worry...
"Shinji."
Toby had been so silent, he'd forgotten all about her until she was standing in front of him, head bowed. It still was a little odd to him, that he could make an adult so upset, make them /care/ about him and what he thought, but hell, he /was/ an adult now and maybe, someday, he would actually feel like it.
"I'm sorry, Shinji." Toby's head was so low it looked as if she might bow to him, and he had to put a hand to his mouth to keep from laughing, because it wasn't at all funny. "I... I didn't..."
"You did." He refused to be kind, kindness would be a lie, and her hands clenched tight as if he had slapped her.
"I did." She finally looked up, incredulous and confused when he did laugh.
"You don't need to be so upset about it. Do you know how many people in my life... they hurt me worse than you ever could." It isn't the anger and the hatred she was expecting, and he knows she doesn't know what to say. Not that she needs to say anything.
"It's all right. I have Kaworu now. You didn't do anything that couldn't be undone." He frowned. "I'm not your brother, Toby. I can only be me... sometimes I don't even do that very well. I only do what I can, I can't give you that absolution."
"You're going to fight, then."
"I'm an Eva pilot, and Asuka..."
Shinji sucked in his next breath, didn't bother to finish the thought. He would leave her if he could. Let her pilot, even certain as he was that she would die. He was afraid, afraid to get inside the suit and afraid to see her again, but he could not say no. It would itch beneath his skin and haunt him, no matter if she did win and it was all a happy ending. Kaworu would not care, but Shinji knew he would have to live the rest of his life in rooms without mirrors.
"I can't escape this. I know that, now. If I don't end it, it will never end."
He walked out, heard her call his name but it didn't mean much. All he could focus on was the hard, tight knot of dread inside, only easing a little when Kaworu finally touched his shoulder in the car.
It was a slight relief, the woman had thought to bring two cars, to give them even the smallest feel of privacy. Knowing Shinji would not be doing any of this if he didn't feel forced, knowing he would do this, and trying to be respectful anyway. Respect, from SEELE... how unexpected.
"It's because of you, isn't it." He glanced at Kaworu, his grin thin and tight. "If you weren't here, they'd be using me just like before."
Of course, Kaworu's eyes gave him no answers. "She wants me to go after Cate, to stop him while you fight the Dominion."
Shinji nodded, tried to breathe deep enough to make a difference. He was going to give himself a headache at this rate. "Did you say yes?"
A soft snort, and he smiled without looking, already knowing what Kaworu's expression would be. "I told her my place was with you, Shinji."
Oh yes, definitely a headache. Shinji sighed, forcing his hands to unclench, his palms hot and clammy against his legs. Kaworu's ruby eyes were still fathomless, deep with infinite secrets despite their intimacies.
"You'll kill her, won't you, Kaworu. Asuka... Asuka is not going to be happy to see me, and if she attacks... if the Dominion goes after her and not me... If it was a choice between us, you'd let her die."
"It is not a choice, Shinji."
He nodded. He expected no different.
"So, then, you're going to go stop Cate... and I'll help Asuka destroy the third Dominion." Shinji was amazed it came out in one long breath, and he didn't even stammer.
Kaworu nodded, and didn't argue. Shinji turned away, and smiled when slender fingertips brushed against his neck, helping him find even some flickering sense of calm. It lasted, even as the phone at his side began to ring, and he felt the car pick up speed.