Don't you know when you're loving anybody, baby,
You're taking a gamble on a little sorrow,
But then who cares, baby,
'Cause we may not be here tomorrow, no.
And if anybody should come along,
He gonna give you any love and affection,
I'd say get it while you can.
~Janis Joplin, "Get it While you Can"
Chapter Seventeen
-------------------------------
"You can get the basic cannon programs out of the Geburah's systems, we won't be needing them anymore."
//No shit, dumbass.//
Toby swallowed the angry retort, knowing she heard the same ragged stress in Lae's voice that she felt, that he wasn't in charge of this any more than she was.
He wasn't at all excited about this chance, being here alone with her for hours making adjustments based on what had lost them their last pilot. It didn't make him happy, and he certainly wasn't stupid enough to find joy in making their primary pilot a woman easily less stable than Shinji Ikari ever was.
//We don't have a choice... we can't pick pilots like NERV could, we don't know how...//
She felt another irrational surge of anger, she'd felt it before, at the thought of all the information that had been lost when NERV was destroyed. God damn it, it was like trying to rebuild Babylon from toothpicks and string.
"Have they found her yet? Katsuragi, or Soryuu?"
It was impossible, even in her anger, not to notice the way Lae said the older woman's name, the hint of - well, in her opinion, it hinted at more than just respect.
//Has he even /read/ her file?// The woman it described, at least to Toby, sounded like nothing but trouble. Ms. Katsuragi would eat Lae alive.
//Not to mention, we're the /enemy/...//
"As far as I know, we made contact, but I'm not sure. I haven't yet heard the final word."
"If she runs..."
"We'll find them."
//If killing Shinji didn't even make Cate pause... there's nothing this woman can do, to save herself or the girl.// Toby squeezed her eyes shut hard, weariness lowering her guard, but she would not cry here, not where any of these bastards might see.
"Has there been any word from the UN?" Lae seemed intent on this line of questioning, though his eyes never strayed from his own screen, or the piece of the suit he was adjusting. "They must have noticed that explosion... hell, I didn't even think to ask about what happened after the /first/ Dominion."
"I don't /know/, Lae. I don't know anything."
Toby regretted the snap in her voice, but at least it shut him up. She bit her lip hard, knelt down to examine the protective covering along the suit's left knee. If she only focused on her work, she could get through this... she could...
"... and Shinji?"
One question too many.
"How the hell would I know!"
"You don't have to yell!"
Toby had never heard him raise his voice, realized just a moment too late to stop herself, that perhaps Lae had needed to fill the silence just as much as she needed to hang onto it.
"... then stop asking stupid questions!"
"I can't think of another way to say I'm sorry!"
Well, that shut them up both nicely, and after an uncomfortable pause, they continued the diagnostics without a sound. It was sickeningly easy to focus on her job, on the rows of data marching across the screen. Completely easy to think of that, and not imagine Shinji collapsed in his empty room somewhere, alone and cold and dying, never knowing why.
//You left your brother alone too, because it was easier. It's so simple to be a coward, it's so easy to tell yourself there was a reason for what you did. Isn't it so comfortable, to be a liar.//
The woman felt tears pushing their way up /again/, swallowed them back angrily, wincing when she heard him stop working.
"Toby... you know..."
"No." The word was firm, but soft, she appreciated the gentle attempt. Talking now, though... letting herself feel... she couldn't even meet his eyes.
"I can't, Lae... I just can't-"
"So, what is your progress? Is the suit ready to test?"
Any normal man would have been in a hospital bed, enjoying the best painkillers he could find, delegating everything through armies of stiff men backed by semi-automatic weapons. Instead, Toby paused, as she heard the thud of a cane against the floor, Cate half-limping his way toward them. If he was in any pain, it didn't show.
"We're at 80 percent, there are a few glitches with some of the backup systems." Lae's voice was perfectly calm. "Has the time limit changed, sir?"
"No." Cate sounded flippant, cool and casual, overcompensating for the obviousness of his injury by pretending it didn't exist. "We've had no sign of the third Dominion, though of course, it could come at any time."
Toby had quickly turned back toward the suit, though her hands clenched every few moments around the diagnostic equipment, nearly grinding her teeth in rage. It would do no good to do anything - to yell at him, to accuse or threaten - there was nothing she could threaten him with. He could eliminate her, or at the very least confine her without a second thought. Calm, she /had/ to stay calm...
"... what about Shinji Ikari, sir?" Amazing, her voice was crisp, professional, though she couldn't think to turn, or meet his gaze, and her hands were trembling against the leg of the Geburah suit. "I assume his retrieval is of /some/ importance to us?"
"We eventually scrambled a small team." Cate's voice was toneless, businesslike. "He wasn't at his house, in all likelihood he never made it that far." A pause, she was frozen, closing her eyes as anger turned to furious grief. "If there's no sign of the Dominion in the next six hours, another team will be sent to dredge some of the nearby rivers, to see if they can find the body."
Toby swallowed back the lump in her throat, but it wouldn't go, she didn't dare breathe except in short, shallow breaths... she was a failure, /again/... how had she dared to ever smile at him, how had she dared to pretend she wanted to be his friend, that he could trust her... how... how...
"Toby?" A hand tentatively, gently brushed against her shoulder. Lae hardly ever touched her. "Toby... he's gone..."
"I'm gonna... think I'm gonna be sick." Pressing a hand to her mouth, hot tears spilling over her hand, Toby lurched to her feet, darting out of the room.
--------------------------
"Here... give me your arm. Come on, it isn't as if we haven't done this a thousand times before."
It would have to be a difficult day, Asuka less responsive than usual, when things were already as bad as they could possibly get.
The red-haired woman finally draped an arm over Misato's shoulder, and she lifted her up into the wheelchair, a maneuver perfected by years of practice. The redhead seemed, despite her inattentiveness to orders, to be somewhat more alert than usual. The dark-haired woman was surprised to find the blue eyes focused almost inquisitively on her.
"Where are we going Misato?"
It nearly broke her heart, to see that glimpse every now and again, of the girl she had known, that she had thought of - selfishly, she realized now - as perhaps a daughter, silly as that seemed.
"Are they our bags? In the hallway?"
"Yes." Misato pushed Asuka's chair out into the hall, where two duffels lay waiting, along with a travel art case she had bought just that morning, just for this trip. The first starched-shirt governmental official who wouldn't let Asuka paint would only know his balls were still attached because of the pain. It had been enough, with NERV, enough with the pilots and the Evas and Gendo Ikari and what had happened with Kaji... enough, the last time she would take orders against her better judgment.
"Where are we going, Misato?"
A part of her wished this had been one of Asuka's worse days, as she had assumed earlier, that the girl wasn't so intent on asking questions she didn't want to answer.
"America, I think."
"America?" The red-haired woman looked around their small house, as if seeing it all for the first time. "Why there? I like it here."
It had been only nineteen hours, since she'd received the message. Nineteen hours, with the warning that they needed Asuka, and Shinji would suffer if they did not comply. If she had been smart, Misato thought, she and Asuka would have vanished anyway. If Shinji was SEELE's only other pilot, threatening him was a ploy... or so she hoped.
Of course, if she'd truly been smart, it all would have been over when Kaworu had appeared. She would have run then, when there had still been a chance of escape.
//No.//
"... because I can't run from them, not forever. I can't run, and you can't hide, and when they did find us they'd just shoot me and take you anyway." She turned, knelt down with her hands on the ends of the chair's armrests, praying Asuka was together enough to understand this, still amazed at what they wanted, deep down knowing the truth - the red-haired German girl could /never/ pilot again.
//Unless...//
It was nearly blind faith that Misato hung her hopes on now, but she could not convince herself to do otherwise. Piloting an Eva had been Asuka's dream and purpose, the only thing she had to live for, to pilot. She hadn't truly lost herself, until she had lost that ability... and if these people could really give her that feeling of importance, of value back?
//It will bring her back or it will kill her.//
"Asuka... these people, in America, they're from SEELE, and they want you to pilot again. It isn't an Eva, not exactly, and they're not angels, they've told me, but something similar. I'm not going to try to lie to you, though. I'm not sure what they want, or what they're willing to do to get it."
"I... I'm going to be a pilot again?"
Misato had been bracing herself for the worst, for a tantrum or a fit or a complete breakdown, and the soft, hopeful wonder in Asuka's voice took her completely be surprise.
"... they want me, to pilot for them... when I'm like this?"
The red-haired woman gestured to her legs, a hint of the old Asuka ire firing up in her voice... it had been so long, since Misato had heard even that.
"SEELE, they say they have a way, that it will work... that they can make it so you can fight again. Asuka, they aren't our allies, but..."
"I want to go there, now."
------------------------
He breathed in, very slowly, listening to the soft sound draw out in the silent air, content to lay where he was and wait for - what? Who knew? It smelled like - the warmth, the utter painlessness of the memory - mother? No, that was silly, but it wasn't entirely in error, the feeling... unconditional...
Shinji blinked, carefully, half-afraid the movement would make him crumble, feeling nothing but empty, the chrysalis left after the butterfly had broken free. A warm hand, sliding along the curve of his waist beneath the sheets, quickly proved that theory wrong, though he still felt strangely hollow. Completely at peace - but quietly certain that things shouldn't be so. Carefully, he made a small sound, just to see if he could, almost feeling it break off from the back of his throat, certainly not loud enough to be heard...
"You've been sleeping for a long time."
He smiled at the face he could not see, the joy felt strange, unfamiliar. "I dreamed you were alive."
The hand raised, careful fingers caressing his hair, the back of his neck... he could hear a soft laugh, maybe.
"Did it make you happy?"
"Oh, yes."
"... then why wake?"
He turned slowly, gentle hands helping him do so, his body didn't seem to want to move on its own, until he was facing Kaworu, tangled slightly in the covers and held gently in the other man's arms.
"You've been with me all along?"
"All night, except when I let Virgil out. There's a small yard in the back, he likes to play."
Shinji looked for a moment, past where Kaworu lay. The small gray puppy was asleep on the floor, lazily drowsing in a patch of sunshine, the remnants of a sock draped over his nose.
"I think that just might be the cutest thing I've ever-"
Shinji closed his eyes abruptly, pressing his head tightly against a warm, strong shoulder as the entire world seemed to waver, an Earth of water, nothing solid but the arms around him.
"Relax... just let it happen, let it pass. I'm here."
He gladly obeyed, slumping further into the warm embrace as the attack passed into a dull ache, realizing a moment too late that the extra heat on his face was in fact that of tears, and drew in a ragged, painful breath, wincing at the sound of his own sniffling as he fought not to break down completely.
"S-sorry... I d-don't know what's wrong with me..."
A hand gently cupped his face, before he could find the strength to wipe the tears away. It was the same as it had always been, Kaworu was the strong one, the one who knew him, knew what he wanted even before he did, the dream of perfect love. Shinji sighed softly, heart still thrumming in nervousness as his eyes closed, and soft, warm lips brushed along his skin, the pale-haired man lapping at his tears almost like a kitten.
He let Kaworu do as he would, responding as best he could, alternately grateful for and damning the pain and weariness that made it nearly impossible to move, to return even the simplest of gestures. The pale-haired man was careful, gentle, but each of his kisses and caresses held the promise of more, the future glimmering seductive delight in the curve of his ever-present smile.
He refused to question it, question anything, relieved as the dull pain subsided further. He was afraid to think about that, to focus on the fuzzy source of that agony, for fear of being under its attentions once more. Shinji was still trying to hold back most of his tears, no longer suffering, but filling with bright emotions he didn't dare try to name, Kaworu's body close enough to be his own. Hope threatened to destroy all the scattershot walls he had thrown up over the years, to protect what remained of his fragile heart - he feared he might crumble to nothing, there was so little left of him once the hurt was gone.
"How is it that you know me... all of me, and..." He moaned, very softly, losing the rest of the sentence, as the pale haired man graced his throat with several attentive kisses, though he could not quite give himself up to pleasure, for the pain.
"... and still love you? How could I not?" He was too tired to avoid the crimson gaze, though Shinji feared, deep down, it might burn right through him, too attentive, too knowing... he was sure he was blushing now.
"... why do you think you need to be perfect to be loved?" He chuckled softly, the thought obviously amusing, ending his quiet play with a careful kiss, wanting this time, wanting Shinji too much to hold back completely, but knowing the other man couldn't continue, not with the way he was shivering, now and again, or closing his eyes when the pain burned too brightly.
"What makes you think vulnerability is shameful, or confusion, or even cowardice? If you err, that it somehow makes you less than some person you might have been? Where is this pillar of humanity, that you can tell you've fallen so far from the mark?"
Shinji tucked his head against Kaworu's shoulder, grateful for the hand once again upon his hair, the feeling of safety and comfort. It took him a long moment to remember that the angel had even asked a question, that he had not answered...
//Who is this perfect being, so worthy of love, that you are not?//
/It's you, Kaworu. I'm... pretty sure, that it's you./ Shinji smiled to himself, amazed that the angel didn't know such a simple truth.
//Show him...// He flinched at that suggestion, wondering from which dark corner of his mind that familiar something stirred, a piece of him that somehow hadn't yet had its fill of heartbreak. //Show him why he shouldn't love you.//
He swallowed back bile, forcing himself to speak.
---------------------
"If I could have found someone, after you... when you... died..."
The hesitant words were an immediate test, of the angel's vow of love. Kaworu understood why, the heartache behind it making him smile sadly - //the evil that is known, hurting yourself first, just because the pain is familiar//. Shinji didn't want to speak, but forced himself to, forced himself to put the possibility of someone else in between them, just to see how the pale-haired man would react. Kaworu was supposed to consider this the ugliest of statements, an immediate betrayal of his love and devotion.
Shinji had been so long alone, he was now defending the pain, the solitude. To lose that constant silent grief... in a way, it was a kind of death.
"I would have wanted you to. I would have wanted you to be happy." The angel frowned, just slightly, and sighed. "I was cruel to you, Shinji."
"No."
It was all the other man could do to put emphasis on the word, weak as he was, though the protest was solid, Kaworu knew that well enough. He had given the dark-haired man love, the hope of love, and was therefore forgiven for any sin that might follow, absolved forever. Anything, everything, all blame rested on Shinji's shoulders, and the dark-haired pilot considered it justice. Tell him he was responsible for the way the wind blew, for every sorrow and shame of man and he would take the guilt of that upon the rest without a second thought.
"Kaworu... you didn't..."
The pale-haired man gently pushed past Shinji's soft protests.
"I was cruel. I knew exactly what I was doing, ten years ago. I knew what you desired most, and I gave it to you without hesitation."
//... and then you left me. You left me alone!//
Shinji didn't say it, hadn't even meant to think it, but it came anyway, he couldn't hold back the echoing scream - and Kaworu gladly accepted that blame, that hate and hurt.
It wasn't necessary to be perfect, to be worthy of love.
"Yes... and then I left you alone, for a very, very long time." He tightened his hold, silent reassurance that it could become only a distant dream if Shinji wished to forget, that it would never happen again.
"Do you remember what I said, then, Shinji? Humans are in pain because they are alone, and will always be alone... but that they can forget?" Kaworu made a small, rueful noise, carrying too much regret to be a laugh. "I am a silly, thoughtless creature. It was never supposed to happen the way it did, it wasn't supposed to hurt like that. I can't explain, I can't excuse... /I/ forgot. Knowing I would taste only a few moments in your world, with you... I forgot, and I forgot that I didn't feel the way you would, afterward. It was cruel, and I was cruel, and I am sorry."
----------------
How could that be answered? How in the world could anyone respond to that sort of an apology, something normal people simply didn't do, wouldn't admit to? Unconditional love, something he couldn't begin to match, and Shinji didn't even bother to try, the words finally leaking out of him like poison, a lanced wound that had festered so long that the cure was the most painful of all.
"It was the little things, you know, that really made it hurt? I never even saw them coming. Brushing your teeth... you never think about it, that it's the same in Belgium that it is in Egypt - but every morning that I did it, it was /exactly/ the same. Every morning was really just the same morning, nothing would ever change. It would keep going on like it had been, forever."
Shinji remembered, he'd completely broken down one day, just from an errant glance into the mirror during that daily routine, staring into his own eyes, horrified beyond words at seeing the acceptance there - this was the way it would be, this horrible, hollow useless feeling, no matter where he went, no matter what he did. This was what life was for him, an empty progression of days. Nothing more.
He didn't really feel the current pain inside, tearing through his stomach, up his ribcage, winding slowly like a choking vine from deep inside, not until a warm hand slid over his own, bringing him out of his memories and back into the world. Shinji relaxed his clenched fist, to twine his fingers with Kaworu's, gasped as sensations fell back around him like leaves, a return to the physical. He hadn't even realized he had been drifting away, following that memory of the relentless, blank passage of time, as if his soul were quietly unraveling itself.
"What's h-happening to me?" He vaguely hated the fear in his voice, even as he knew it didn't matter, that the man holding him had never, would never care that he was weak.
"The Dominion's heart is poison to Lillim, and you were an Eva pilot, the closest link between Lillim and Angel."
Shinji was too exhausted to wonder what exactly Kaworu meant by that, the words twisted about in his mind, he could make no sense of them. He looked down, raising one hand just slightly, the memory returning...
"I had an... AT field, Kaworu. The guard should have shot me, but the bullet..."
"The Dominion is a creature of order, driven to make others like itself. It doesn't know what you are, only what it is... the core burned you, it left an..." he paused, the words simply not enough, "It created a memory of itself, an imprint on your body, and it is growing."
Shinji could barely manage a swallow, his mouth almost painfully dry. "It's trying to turn me into an Angel?"
"It has a pathway, because you were a pilot, and so it can... It is attempting, yes, but it cannot make you what you are not. It will try, and fail."
"So... I'm going to die?" The terror wasn't really in the outcome, but the process, tied up with the pain he felt now, and the fear that Kaworu was holding back, not telling him that he knew what was going to happen, that it was going to be so much worse than anything Shinji could imagine...
Kaworu's arms tightened around him, his voice even softer in apology.
"I've frightened you, haven't I? I'm sorry."
He apologized without words, sliding a hand along Shinji's side, nuzzling his neck, the easy calm pleasure persuading him to relax when no words could, and Shinji eventually did, praying the pain wouldn't resurface, to interrupt this moment.
"I can save you, Shinji, and I will... but please, understand, I have my reasons for... hesitating?"
"It doesn't matter..." He smiled, because it was true, frightened as he was, it was true - whatever Kaworu did, it was the right thing. "Being alone all that time, this is nothing."
He bit his lip sharply, as the cold twisted unexpectedly, felt a warm hand against his chest, over the breastbone - he didn't know how the pale-haired man was helping him now, making the pain vanish, only that he was.
"I'm being selfish, aren't I, just thinking of me... but even this, Kaworu. It isn't... I'm so grateful."
The pale-haired man smiled, Shinji could hear it in his voice, couldn't keep his eyes open to see, not even as another warm kiss touched his temple, fingers tracing loving abstracts through his hair.
"It's all right, Shinji. My worries should not be your concern. You should rest. I'll take care of you this time, I promise."
The words should have been meaningless, except that no one had ever said them before. No one had held him like this, no one had cared, and he could not bring himself to retreat from it, to believe it wasn't true. Shinji sighed, poised between hope and terror, grateful to focus on the pain, the here and now, and not the future.
------------------
//Stop fidgeting, idiot.//
Lae did his best to listen to the quiet, mental voice, fighting the urge to check his lapels or smooth the buttons on his suit for the hundredth time. He wished he could have the calm steadiness of the solider standing near the door, unmoving, gun at the ready. Instead, he tried to pretend he wasn't straining to hear the sound of an engine in the air, though in this weather hearing to the end of the runway would have been impossible.
A bad storm had come up, rain now lashing in waves across the runway, the sky swirling ominously overhead. Inside, the glow from the nearby vending machine was somewhat comforting, something benign and familiar. He considered getting a candy bar, just to keep himself occupied, to keep from thinking about if the plane could land... or what would happen when it did.
//Quit being stupid. It's not like you're meeting Akagi Ritsuko, or... god, Gendo Ikari.//
It went without saying, he would have gladly given an arm to talk to the fabled head of NERV, even though he was widely hypothesized to be a worse-tempered man than Cate, by far, and Lae already knew he never would have had the nerve. Hell, he'd had to steel himself to talk to Shinji, and none of those questions had ever moved past the brief and mostly impersonal. Toby was the brave one... and now Toby was gone, too distraught over what had happened to face the prospect of training another pilot so soon. Lae honestly wondered if the woman could go on after what had happened, it seemed to have hit her with a force beyond anything he could understand.
The scientist was, then, SEELE's sole representative, expected to explain all that had happened, all that was to happen to Misato and Asuka as they made the few hours' trip by armored transport from the airport to headquarters. He'd been given the job immediately, after all, Geburah was his project, his entire life... and as Toby had remarked, just before he'd left, he certainly wouldn't be complaining about the company.
//"I think she's even single, you know."//
He had told her to shut up then, and told the echo in his mind to shut up now, sensibly telling himself it was too cold to be blushing. Lae couldn't deny it though, silly as it sounded, that he'd developed, just from pictures and files, a crush on Misato Katsuragi.
//It's just because of who you are, you know... because you're a science geek, and you're antisocial to a fault, and so you create this elaborate fantasy of a woman out of a few pictures and what you /want/ to believe. You'll meet her, and then you'll realize how wrong you were, and...//
"Sir, they're here."
He'd moved away from the doors, and the chill wind pushing itself through the cracks, but Lae quickly moved back, and out into the storm.
The small jet touched down with blessed smoothness, taxiing to a halt as the engines whined, slowed and stopped. Lae scowled, trying to brush immediately sopping bangs out of his eyes, hovering at the edge of the overhang. He'd stepped outside in a moment of excitement, but now couldn't convince himself to move closer, and only succeeded in getting himself unpleasantly soaked and little else.
The lights around the runway were blazing, casting the scene in brilliant false light. The swath of asphalt was now a stage, with the heavy rain pouring down in a sea of falling stars. Lae was left with little to do but watch, fingers nervously tugging on his jacket's ties, the ends of his sleeves. He realized he was almost gnawing on his lower lip - and probably looked ridiculous - as the cockpit door opened, stairs slowly lowering to the ground.
Several soldiers came out first, the last of which held a large bundle in his arms, and even with the lights it took the scientist a few moments to figure out what it was - who it was.
//Asuka.//
He'd missed the soldier carrying the girl's wheelchair, but saw it being unfolded beneath a waiting umbrella on the ground- funny, at the moment the soldiers seemed more like doormen than fighters. Lae squinted into the night, light mixing with light, splintering the darkness around the small group into confusing shadows, and he couldn't get a good view of which person was who, which person was - there.
As they turned toward him, the soldiers arranged themselves in a semicircle around the two women at the center, Misato pushing Asuka's wheelchair, long, dark rain cloak trailing behind her, tugged every now and again by the wind.
//She walks in beauty...//
Lae took a step back, nervously removing his glasses and reaching under his coat to pull out the end of his shirt. It completely destroyed any attempt to look cool, for the added comfort of being unable to see anything at all. It was too quick a gesture, though, he had wiped them clean three times before the group had made it off the tarmac. Lae considered tossing them into his pocket, but it was a childish impulse, easily ignored.
//Overreacting... you always overreact...//
By the time he put them back on, and looked up, she was staring right at him.
//She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and... starry skies?//
Lae couldn't remember the rest of the quartet, mind shuffling through random words searching for purpose, though it was more like seeking solace in a landslide. He found, in a moment of startling embarrassment, that he couldn't look away from her, and she had not turned either, as if completely comfortable with his close scrutiny. Thankfully, it didn't last long, and he immediately became fascinated with the doorframe, standing motionless until they crossed the final few feet, to meet him at the door.
"Miss Katsuragi, it's an honor... I am..."
The red-haired girl looked up at him for a moment, but the Athena protecting her passed him by without a second glance. Lae stood silent, mouth still half open in dazed surprise, only turning and following the soldiers out of a vague sense of obligation.
//Okay... so you're batting zero. I suppose it could have been worse... I mean, she didn't shoot you.//
The entire scene was eerily reminiscent of an old school social, when he'd never had the courage to ask the pretty girl for a dance. No matter how vehemently Lae tried to remind himself now that he was on official military business, the image refused to leave him. He was too skittish to try talking to Misato right away, and knew what he was going to do, even as he knew it was cowardly to do it. Waiting until they were in the van and moving, when she wouldn't be able to ignore him.
//Oh, she could. I'm sure she'd find a way.//
Lae stepped up, pulling himself into the van as the soldiers finished loading the young woman's wheelchair inside. Asuka sat in the rear bucket seat, a guard beside her, and Misato was watching him from - Misato, watching him.
A flash of lightning lit up the inside of the car, catching in her eyes, illuminating them for a moment... she would have been beautiful, if she had been smiling. He wanted to see her smile.
Lae frowned, trying to shake his thoughts back into some sort of sense - he /did/ have a mission, after all.
"I want to see Shinji Ikari."
Once again, she threw him completely, and could only sit back and watch him splutter
"W-what?"
"I was told that Shinji Ikari's safety was dependant on me, and my compliance. I want to know that he's safe."
"Who...?" Lae's eyes bugged out, with holding the rest of the sentence back. //Who told you /that/!?//
"Well?!" The dark-haired woman's voice raised a blazing octave as he didn't answer. The storms outside were nothing compared to the rising anger in her eyes. "What's the problem?!"
------------------
Shinji had always preferred to believe Asuka, when she said she hated him, when she'd been cold and unkind. He'd always thought it really meant she didn't want him around, and even when Kaji had thought to nudge him in the right direction, he hadn't understood... it had taken years... long after it no longer mattered.
"I should have told her she was beautiful. I should have... I should have said something..." A soft sigh of a laugh. "I never even asked her why she kissed me, you know that?"
Kaworu looked up, as he set Virgil's dinner on the ground, the puppy attacking the meal with single-minded exuberance. Shinji had been resting quietly for almost a full day, long enough for the pale-haired man to make a few arrangements, call his job, make sure Virgil had exhausted himself with play in the yard, to make sure he would be no trouble through the night.
He'd hoped that maybe, by being there, by being a stable, steady presence - a rarity among Lillim, really - he could stop what was happening to Shinji. An oasis free from pain and doubt was not enough, though, not to stem a lifetime's worth of tragedy. It had come down to his final option.
"... should have... I didn't know, I /didn't know/... if only someone had told me, if anyone had told me what to do I would have done it I swear I would have... I would have..."
Shinji thrashed weakly against the bed, eyes open but sightless, and terribly weary. Kaworu crossed the distance between them, laying a hand on the pale, sweat-soaked chest, and Shinji's gaze slowly shifted, though the focus obviously was an effort.
"If I had told Asuka she was beautiful... if I had told her that she had value to me, I could have stopped it. I could have." The soft murmur nearly broke under the weight of its own grief, as if it had all happened only yesterday. "I should have taken it, in her place, it should have attacked /me/... what on Earth could they have shown me? I already knew I was worthless... what could have made it hurt more?"
Kaworu gently brushed the hair away from the dark-haired man's hollow, haunted eyes, recognizing the gaze for what it was - confession seeking punishment.
"I am not your judge, Shinji, and I refuse to be your executioner."
It was bitter irony, that any judges in Shinji's life had been human, and just as flawed as he, if not more so. SEELE and NERV, those who had sought to bring unity, a united consciousness to mankind. What better way to shape such a world, than to create an avatar who could not live in this one?
All the invisible wounds they had inflicted on the dark-haired pilot, years of isolation, of pointless self-perfection devoid of reasoning, or goals, that damage now fed the Dominion's singular urge, to pull Shinji apart, searching for something by which to recreate him.
"A heart of glass, so fragile, so worthy of love..."
The chest beneath his palm rose more slowly as Shinji's breathing steadied, the dark-haired man lapsing into some semblance of calm as the pain eased.
The Dominion's pattern would continue to multiply and consume the pilot's psyche, fueling itself on regret and pain, on every sin Shinji had claimed as his own, the suffering doubling back on his physical shell. It would eventually be too much to bear, the body would fail, Shinji would die.
"It's so st-stupid, really." A shaky laugh, Shinji watching him, eyes shining deliriously with a bemused, horrified resignation, eyes that had seen too much, knew too much about the world. "So stupid... this instrum... instrumentality. As if /we're/ what makes this world turn. Humanity. Hah.... as if I know, as if I know /anything/... what it means to be human... I'm nobody special, nobody..."
He shuddered, crying out, but it was with the weakness of a dying thing, eyes catching Kaworu's again - that beatific calm suddenly smashed, eaten whole by the pain.
"I don't want to die, Kaworu... not like this... not..." Another surge of pain, Shinji's back arching as it crested, his eyes rolling to white, and he passed out as it ebbed.
Kaworu sighed softly, turning his gaze away for a moment, toward the setting sun, the wide swath of orange sky that had melted like butter over the trees and cars outside his window.
//You knew it would come to this. You know what you have to do, to save him.//
/Will he want to return, though, when it ends? If I can save his body, will he want it back?/
Worry - it was still an unusual sensation for him - though this would also be the most pleasant thing he had been given the power to do. Human instrumentality, on the smallest of scales. If Shinji's soul was destroying his body, the only thing to do was remove it... absorb it in his own.
//He'll be with you, always. So does it matter, really, if he comes back?//
It took no time at all to strip himself, a little more to remove Shinji's clothes, limp body unresisting as he removed the few garments he was still wearing, before curling up next to him on the bed. Kaworu lay facing the dark-haired man, feeling the dissonance within his frame with a painful ease. The pale-haired angel drew his fragile lover close, Shinji's head against his chest, arms clasped secure around the former pilot's slender waist... and closed his eyes.
--------------------
He was back in the EVA, back in the body of a fourteen-year-old - weak, useless! - only the LCL burned like lava over his skin, the blood smell making him retch, only there was nothing to retch but more of the blood. Oh god, it burned, it /burned/ and he screamed for help, for anyone to save him - they had an interest in keeping him alive, didn't they? Didn't they?
Misato, Rei, Asuka, he could see them watching him, high above where he was writhing in hell - pleaded in a breathless babble for anyone to come and release him, end it, have mercy - it was too much, he couldn't bear so much. Instead, someone must have pulled a switch - the pain increased, and pushed to his limits, he shrieked for his father - knowing he hated the man, that such help would never come.
The words came anyway, searching for what he had never been able to find, the argument that would reach Gendo Ikari's frozen heart - professional interest, oh god, that might work, he didn't even want love anymore, just professional - oh god, it hurt - professional concern, just to know that he was valued... you are my father, my /father/ how can that mean nothing to you?!
He screamed as the memories collapsed around him, the ugliness and the spite and the isolation - by far that was worst of all, at least when he had Asuka to confuse him and annoy him and frustrate him and scare him, at least he was still /alive/ and once she had gone... gone... gone crazy, it was silent, with no one left to make sure he was still living.
...there was only silence /always/ silence when he thought he might escape, just might escape and Misato didn't want him he didn't know what to say Kaji was dead Kaji. Was. Dead. and there was nothing he could do to touch her pain he wasn't /worthy/ to try to touch her pain Rei oh god Rei do you know who you are did father tell you do you know do you know...
Kaworu. Kaworu had died, he had killed the only beautiful thing that dared to enter his life.
He screamed again, and it eclipsed the world, and changed nothing. He hurt enough to die a thousand times over, and it changed nothing... time was still time, and he was still trapped within it, within himself and all the hate and hurt...
Trapped.
//wherever you go//
Alone.
//there you are//
... and it would never change, because it was impossible to reach inside someone else's heart to understand them, no one could never get there no matter how much was known, and so instead you would fumble and fight and turn life into a comedy of useless errors, lonely, painful errors...
//Shinji.//
He paused, as all around him the Eva dissolved, the faces high above him disappearing, everything vanishing though the pain stayed constant. He thought for a moment he heard someone breathing raggedly, thought that there had been an echo, another...
//Shinji... come to me... I need you to be with me now.//
/Who?/ The agony ebbed, pulling away, and he was suddenly drained, aching all over with fatigue... what had happened... where... it was so dark... he couldn't see, couldn't fight to see...
If this was death, it really wasn't worth fighting.
//You aren't dying.// He would have done anything to please that amused, patient voice. Anything to be worthy of it... //You know who I am.//
Yes, yes he did, though he'd never deserved to know.
Light. Light, and warmth. It was so warm here, like LCL without the blood smell, like something perfect and pure and... Shinji relaxed into the gentle sway of the current, noticed belatedly that it felt like arms, holding him, though he knew he didn't deserve...
//Come here, Shinji.//
The gentle voice allowed for no argument, and he felt himself being gently gathered up, held closely... very closely, as if... sinking...
//...?!//
A touch against the back of his head, drawing him closer, soothing the slight panic, wiping the fear clean from his mind. He was sure that was wrong, for some reason, that he shouldn't have been so willing to let go, that he was giving up much more than he could realize...
//I need you to trust me, it will be all right, don't be afraid. You can be safe here... you can be happy here, always.//
The light had substance, pliant and soft, and swept over his limbs, engulfing him, pulling him down - the feeling, for a moment, that his body was fighting the division - /division?/ - but all too soon it ended. Shinji was afraid for a moment, as he was swallowed completely by this new presence, that he wouldn't be able to breathe, but as he found he still could, that fear disappeared, and no new fright rose to take its place.
//Of course not... you have nothing to fear, not anymore.//
The voice, there was some important point about this place that he had overlooked - that he was being asked to overlook - but the kindness meant more than the paranoia ever could, and even if he was being destroyed, it was being done so gently, there wasn't any pain...
//I could never hurt you, Shinji.//
His name tripped from those lips like a gemstone, something cherished, and the dark haired pilot smiled, feeling the last bit of doubt, guilt... identity slough away. He curled up inside the warm, attentive presence, no longer in pain, no longer really Shinji, and gratefully let even the smallest remembrances fall away.
==========
Author's Notes
1. I'm still trying to decide whether the Shinji/Kaworu moments are actually serious or just hilariously bad fan service. Oh well, it's my fic and they won't have it any other way. So... don't like it, write your own. Please.
2. Oh yes!!! Kiss of death! Potential original character with canon character pairing! La la la don't care can't hear you!!!
3. Yes, that was Lord Byron. I don't know how Lae knows it.
4. If I could animate this chapter, it would make a lot more sense, I swear.