chapter five
------------------------
Shinji remembered it quite vividly, how so very early on he had let go of thoughts of happiness, of the wish for friendship, and even the belief in a brighter tomorrow... he had simply abandoned the painful ideas, pushed them behind a gray fog, and helped his mind as best he could, to forget... forget that he had never really found the answer, to why he didn't deserve to be loved.
It had been easy, surrounded by Asuka's hot anger, always blazing at him, her bitterness at his own lack of social grace, his awkwardness... and the cold distance of his father, and Rei, Ritsuko, even Misato, who had always paired that unexplainable detachment with a more acceptable view of his position as a simple child, and by doing so had allowed him to see both isolations clearly for the very first time, the reasons other people gave for not wanting to be near him... and he /had/ been a child then, but even then, Shinji had still understood...
//It was the reason why I wasn't as angry as Asuka... why I didn't think raging at the world would do any good...//
So many problems in life, so many barriers between people were simply /impossible/ to tear down. There were so many things that couldn't, wouldn't be said, always keeping people from any kind of real connection...
Was it really all that surprising, that to make such a union possible between humans, to cause Third Impact, would mean destroying the world in the process? How could it mean anything less?
So long, Shinji spent so long quietly suffocating, knowing he would live the rest of his life in that flat, gray nothingness... and then learning it could get worse, much, much worse... as Toji had been taken, and he had been forced... forced by his father...
The pilot was sure he knew, at least in some small way, what Asuka's mind rape must have felt like, that total mental breakdown. It had felt like that, when the Eva had left his control...
Shinji could still remember the sound, Toji's plug being crushed in his Eva's hand, and knew that he had screamed then less in pain and anguish, and more to try and mask that sound, so that it wouldn't leave echoes in his memory... but it still had, when he listened hard enough...
It had broken him, when Shinji was sure he understood, when he had taken some security in being able to predict the quiet cruelties of the world, or at least thinking he could. He had known Gendo Ikari didn't love him, he had known his father would be vicious, treated him as nothing but a tool, a machine, and did not know or care for anything else...
... but Shinji realized he hadn't really, truly believed that his father felt that way, that Gendo Ikari hadn't even considered him a human being, let alone his son... not until he had taken control of Eva-01...
//How could you... how /could/ you...//
He had been broken, utterly devastated... and only then had he had met Kaworu.
The boy broke him /again/, the instant they met... but this time there was no pain, as a sudden, brilliant light pierced the fog surrounding him, and the world was wild, and unknown, and /alive/ again.
Soon, Shinji found he didn't care what kind of feelings the strange boy awoke inside of him, didn't care whether he was happy or sad or frightened out of his mind... only that he was /feeling/ something again, that he could reach out to the life around him, the people nearby without that dulling fog, that oblivious numbness forever in the way.
He hadn't realized, until that day, that he had forgotten the entire world didn't smell like the inside of NERV, and that the whole of the Earth was not bathed in fluorescent light.
Shinji knew, somehow, that he could speak to Kaworu without dread, always, without fearing that at any moment he would say something wrong, he would be misunderstood, and be screamed at - he had long since lost count of the number of times Asuka had slammed her door in his face. Kaworu only smiled, as if hearing the words he meant to say, and not what was said... such a knowing smile...
//... of course it was. Of course it was.//
The boy was a single, sharp note in a silent room, a wild, silver creature, the most fragile but brilliant figure, shining for only a moment... Shinji tried, always tried, but knew even as he did so that allusions were meaningless, could not come close to describing the truth.
He was Kaworu, nothing less, pure and perfect and so wise... anyone could have loved him, and he could have had the world, all that he desired...
//... but he loved me... and I killed him for it.//
That thought hurt now, in a sharp, brutal way that it hadn't for years, as Shinji closed up the flower shop, and walked away into the cool night. God, it hurt, a physical pain, crushing his heart just as he had crushed... Oh god, he was going mad, he had to be... for Kaworu was dead... wasn't he?-
//I heard him I heard him that was Kaworu I know it I /know/...//
Shinji closed his eyes, could not repress the full shudder, trying with all his might to ignore the sharp, painfully sweet feeling, deep inside, so sweet and so terrible - hope.
//Fuck hope... fuck it fuck it /fuck it/... I can't... I don't want to feel it anymore... not ever again...//
Kaworu's betrayal had been so much worse than his father's ever could have been... for at first, the boy had been kind.
//Always... he was /always/ kind...//
Shinji realized he was crying again, but as before, there was no one to see, not on this quiet dark street. The dark-haired man quickly walked up the stairs to his building, noticed his hand was shaking as he put his key into the lock...
//Kind... and I trusted him, and I thought... he made that hope live in me again... and it felt /exactly like this/... and then... and then...//
/Life and death are of equal value to me./
Shinji felt his hands clench into fists, the tears splashing against the ratty carpet on the stairs up to his second floor apartment.
//They weren't of equal value to /ME/, you selfish bastard! Did you ever think about that, that I wanted you to live... that I needed you to... to...//
Sharpness in that scene, after ten years it was still as vivid and clear as light on a flawless mirror... Kaworu looking up to Rei... and speaking of hopes and futures... Shinji saw the emotion there, knew what was being offered, in place of what he would lose...
... but the Angel didn't know, how quickly after everything would go straight to hell... and how Shinji would have to abandon the only life he'd ever known...
//... he didn't know, or he didn't care.//
Shinji's heart spasmed painfully hard, and though he knew the bitter sentiment was false, Shinji barely got his own key in the door before he couldn't hold back the sobs anymore. He more or less fell through the doorway, pushing the door behind him in a panic as he slumped to the ground, arms and legs pulled up as if to ward of some invisible foe, his mind caught on the same horrible, wonderful realization...
//It was him... it was him it was him it was him...//
Shinji discovered, that between the vicious pounding of his heart, and his gasps for air that seemed to bring him nothing but more tears, he was on the verge of hyperventilating, and slowly began to try to calm himself... panicking like this would do no one any good...
He remembered... just vaguely, a feeling, accompanying that unbelievable scene in the shop, when he had been frozen with the impossible realization ... words that vanished as they had been spoken, or thought, they /had/ to have been only thoughts... but so warm, warm and welcoming, more than his could ever be...
It was Kaworu... it had to be.
//Is /he/ who SEELE... has Kaworu come back to...?//
Adam. The angels wanted to merge with Adam, and cause Third Impact... and destroy the human race.
/Now, erase me - Or you will all be erased. /
Shinji laughed, covering his mouth with his hand as another round of sobs shook him mercilessly... Oh god, if Kaworu wanted the world, let him have it... there could be no more beautiful, no more merciful angel of death... his benevolent judgment much more than this world ever deserved.
//... and if I'm the only one left, the only one who's supposed to fight...//
Shinji thought he had been coping, though he had managed to pull together a life, but now, between SEELE and this... face to face with those memories, with the bright future that had been so quickly and completely torn away, the tatters returned, and he, forced to face them...
Ten years of solitude, of never finding anyone quite like who had been lost to him, anyone who had ever made him feel quite as safe, or truly happy...
Shinji sent that thought out, tried to focus on it as hard as he could, hoping it would be heard, that god or the angels or Kaworu himself would somehow be able to hear...
//It's all yours... the world... everything... take it. I won't fight you again... I just won't.//
There was no Asuka to yell at him anymore, no Misato or Toji to lean on him with false worry, real guilt and fear... no Gendo Ikari...
Apparently, they had all been correct, for treating him so harshly for all that time, forcing him to do what they wanted, to fight. Left to his own devices... Shinji just couldn't bring himself to care... let those kind eyes and those gentle hands do what they would to him... to the world...
//Destruction, oblivion... it would be better, Kaworu, it would be better than living one more day without you.//
--------------------------
"Hey, Shinji... you all right?"
The trumpet player, was watching him carefully as he worked the valves on his instrument, setting up for their show. They weren't close, Shinji didn't even know the man's name, and realized his distress must have been blatantly obvious, to be noticed by the near stranger... but then again, if he didn't become emotional over /this/...
"I'm fine... it's nothing..."
The dark-haired man had noticed that most of the Americans he knew usually expected him to be a little quieter than they were, a little more reserved by nature and nationality. He exploited this idea whenever it was easiest to do so, and knew now that if he kept his head down, and stayed silent as the other members of the band assembled, they wouldn't bother to ask him any questions, and would never think anything was the matter.
"I don't care what's wrong with you, Ikari... you'd better not even /think/ about stepping on my cues."
Except for Claire.
"Hello..." Shinji looked up, not bothering to smile, knowing it made little difference to the opinion she already had of him, or what mood she would be in for the rest of the night. The woman was dressed in a beautiful full-length gown, shimmering like starlight on emerald snow, ready for a night of tender, heartsick ballads -
//Just what I need...//
"You look beautiful, Claire."
The woman shrugged the compliment off because she had to... and Shinji knew it, knew that under that slight disdain, there was a definite blush...
It wasn't as if the tension hadn't always been there between them, though he hadn't ever done anything to create it. Shinji knew he could have had her, if he tried... have her, and lose her, when she thought he was getting too close, when he started to mean something in her life, something she couldn't lose without pain...
//A blonde Asuka... who wants me to want her, without having to feel anything for me... so angry and determined to face the world, because she's afraid of letting it come to her instead, afraid of what might come...//
Of course, those same emotions lay within him as well... and who was to say Asuka wasn't the stronger person? Out of the two of them, how had he done any better?
//At least she went for what she wanted, she went out and /tried/ to do her best, to make a life...//
Shinji knew he wasn't doing what he should have with his life, always had the same nagging sensation, that there was more he ought to have done, something...
//You let him go... you could have gone down those stairs... how many feet? How far was it, to see the man you claim you loved?//
/It wasn't Kaworu... it couldn't.../
//It was, and you let him leave! Coward!//
"Hey, Shinji..." He looked up sharply, the piano player's whisper throwing him out of his moody silence, watched as the man leaned closer.
"Let's try this song, ok...? I'd like to see how it sounds, with both of us at the same time, before Claire comes in..."
He nodded quickly, picking up his bow, noticing Claire's disdainful look at both of them over the edge of her martini glass.
//Blonde Asuka... with a touch of Misato for flavor...//
The band, in one form or another, was a near-permanent fixture in the coffeehouse, as was Claire's bottle of vermouth and Gray Goose, and a large jar of cocktail olives. As far as Shinji could tell, the martinis were all the woman ever drank... and this one seemed to be going faster than most.
"I hear she got into a fight with her boyfriend again... a /real/ fight this time... you know, throw-your-stuff-into-the-street kind of thing..."
Shinji laughed softly, able to imagine the blonde doing just that, watched as the piano player quietly shuffled his papers, doing his best not to catch Claire's eye.
"So, the set's definite for tonight...?"
The piano player nodded, and Shinji quickly reworked the play list in his mind, knowing it cut down most of his longer musical pieces into nothing more than background, plucked strings to Claire's vocals, or nothing at all. Unless she wanted a duet, which would only make things that much more tense...
//... which means she will... and even if she doesn't, I'm sure she'll have more than enough chances to yell at me anyway...//
The dress had been a warning. With the way the blonde was downing her drink, the piano player's rumors cinched it... Shinji knew tonight was going to be rough.
-----------------------
Surprisingly, the woman didn't strangle any of them all the way through the first set, though she threw her usual cold glances towards Shinji at the beginning and end of most of the numbers. Of course, she dropped a duet into the mix, but the cellist was more than happy to follow her lead, and didn't miss a single note.
Claire was high-strung, and Shinji knew she had the potential for cruelty, that everything she learned about others, she subconsciously sharpened into a weapon to be hurled at the first sign of trouble... but she had a voice, a deep, husky murmur that could open up at the lightest touch, to consume the whole world in soft, lusty passions, to speak of loves lost and regained, and hard times, and harder times... Shinji didn't know if she'd lived through any of it or not, but Claire could certainly sing the blues.
The cellist liked to watch the way she moved as she sang, her entire body moving in one fluid motion as she swayed, long blonde hair trailing past her waist, the ends licking back and forth in the air... The woman painted a beautiful portrait, and when it was combined with that voice, she was truly enchanting, a work of art he felt proud to add his accompaniment to.
Of course, that was why, after the set, as all the other musicians were packing up and going home, and the coffeehouse was closing, she did her very best to jump him at the bar.
"... Shinji... I think we should go out..."
He looked up, surprised to find her speaking to him without that characteristic note of scorn, not happy, but not inherently angry at him either.
//... which means she's drunk.//
"I don't like bars, Claire... but thank you..."
It was the truth, though he had been to only one in his life, or what Ritsuko might have said was "too small a sample size to come to a fair conclusion." He couldn't help it, found the very thought of them repellant, hot, smelly and cramped... and something about the anonymous crush of people opened up that empty space inside him to near unbearable proportions, made him realize just how isolated he was, how it most likely wouldn't change. It was easier to feel lonely when you were alone.
"Oh come on, Ikari... lighten up..." Claire's words weren't slurred, and she wasn't tipsy at all on her high heels, but Shinji had been watching her drink all night, and knew she wouldn't be talking to him now if her guard hadn't been severely lowered. He'd been waiting for this, really... for her to finally take this step, but after all that had happened, after SEELE and Kaworu...
"You don't want to do this, Claire."
"Do what?!" The blonde moved in closer, much closer, and though Shinji could see her getting angry, if anything, the alcohol only lowered her voice to a harsh murmur, as if she knew how easily she might lose control.
"You think you're so smart... you think you know so much about me... but I've seen how you look at me... I know things too..."
Shinji blinked, the words, the tone so achingly familiar, for a moment wondering if somehow Asuka had dyed her hair, lost her accent, and learned to sing jazz.
//This is crazy... this is /too much/ for me to deal with right now...//
Especially as he had been waiting, all night, for a dead man to appear in the audience, a dead man who had never really been a man at all...
Shinji half-expected Claire to hit him, as he reached out, and grabbed her shoulders, but she didn't, just looked at him with that mixture of fear and anger in her eyes, the fear brought out much more than usual, with the alcohol he could smell on her breath.
"Claire..." He made sure he held her gaze, tried to force everything into his eyes and expression that might make her understand. "You /don't/ want to be with me. Not ever." It wasn't subtle, wasn't polite, but he had to make sure she understood. "I watch you because you're beautiful... but I don't want you that way, and if you knew /anything/ about me, you wouldn't want me either... You're doing this because it's easier than facing your boyfriend, or thinking about being alone. I'll fuck up your life just enough for you to deal with not having him around, and then you'll throw me away, because you /can't/ care about people..."
"... that's... so cruel."
There were tears in her eyes, and a part of Shinji couldn't believe these words were coming out of his mouth, that he was standing in front of her and telling her exactly what he thought, not in anger, only fact... but where the hell was this coming from?!
//It's the truth... I just can't believe I'm saying it.//
"It hurts to be thrown away, Asuka, and I don't care if you need someone, /I/ won't let you do that to me."
He froze, before she ever spoke...
"Asuka?"
Shinji let go of her, picked up his cello, and fled.
------------------------------
//Oh, bravo...//
/Shut up./
Shinji stormed down the street, cello in hand, furious with himself for so many reasons that they quickly melded together into a meaningless blob, a mass his mind couldn't begin to untangle.
//No, really... I especially like the part where you called her Asuka, that was /great/...//
/Oh, shut /up/!!!/
Amazing, how loud the voices of conscience and self-awareness could be, their criticism, of course, sharper than any other could ever be...
//Maybe I am going crazy...//
It might have been better if he were, but Shinji knew he wasn't, /knew/ he would recognize insanity if he saw it coming, he'd been living on the edge of it for so long, with everyone around him... hell, he might consider it a blessing. It would mean he could stop trying, stop fighting to be the person everyone else seemed to think he could be...
//... but I don't know how... I don't...//
Asuka... god, why had he started thinking, /speaking/ of her?! Had he loved her? /No/. Could he have loved her?
With the emotions Claire had stirred up in him, Shinji knew the answer was much closer to yes than he would have liked... and if not love... if not friendship...
//... we could have had something. A few years older, and with the right time and place... if I hadn't met Kaworu...//
... wouldn't it have been better than being alone?
He didn't know.
Stupid, whatever it was though. Stupid, to call Claire Asuka... although, if he was lucky, it could work in his favor, she might be able to forgive the rest of what was said, mistaking it for some sort of bad burn he'd had in the past, some girl name Asuka who'd kicked his heart through his liver and left him out to dry... maybe he'd still have a gig... he liked the band, /liked/ to play...
//... and maybe it means this is all over, and you won't be calling Brigid Misato, sticking flowers in your hair and chasing Vara with a pair of gardening shears around because she's suddenly turned into an Angel?//
It was funny, that thought... the rest was not.
//... maybe you won't be looking for Kaworu around every corner, through every window, hoping he'll somehow "appear"...//
He winced, knowing that ever since the flower shop, he had been doing just that... as if death wasn't permanent, as if he, out of all the billions of people who had lost loved ones, as if he alone deserved to have his love returned.
No. Insanity was just the easy way out, and life rarely seemed to want to give him that option...
Shinji had been so lost in thought, that the car had screeched to a stop in front of him before he recognized it. Dark tinted windows, dark paint job... and the window rolled down as the door opened, revealing two nearly identical men, wearing dark sunglasses...
//Sunglasses at night... /that's/ about the stupidest thing I've-//
"Mr. Ikari. You need to come with us, now."
SEELE, of course. Were they finally ready to tell him something? Was he about to learn the truth? Or were they just going to shoot him in the head and drop him off the end of a pier?
Feeling the slight pangs of a natural curiosity, still too confused with all that had happened that day to handle more than a vague dread-
//Kaworu's going to be my target? I can't... I just can't...//
-Shinji pushed his cello into the back seat, and got in behind it, the car pulling quickly away from the curb almost before the door shut behind him.
Author's Notes
======================
1. I wanted to have the next chapter be this chapter, but Shinji felt like being Mr. Introspective and having that little spat with Claire. <shrug> I don't care, so I'll let this story do whatever the hell it wants.
2. Things will actually happen in the next chapter. I swear.
3. As long as Claire doesn't show up again. : )