You try but you fail,
'cause you're bad at life
and good in a vacuum.
Matthew Good Band - Fated
Chapter Eighteen
------------------------------
It took time to wake up, even after he realized what was happening, that the tugging under his arm was the fault of tiny puppy teeth, that there were claws scratching accidentally against his shoulder, a soft, wet nose nuzzling his hair - Virgil.
Kaworu sighed softly, the puppy giving him a wet slurp on the cheek, leaping back to the floor and running for the door with an excited whine. Oh, /that/ was what he wanted...
Time within was different than time without, it had been a full day already, but he had felt next to nothing of it. He was aware only of the presence inside - Shinji, drawn from his dying body, resting peacefully within the angel's psyche.
Kaworu smiled as he slid his arms from around the man's slender waist, grateful that the Dominion - cut off, with nothing to attack inside the empty shell - had faded away, leaving Shinji's body to recover. The angel had to stay close, to keep the soul and the physical from splitting completely, but the invisible tether was within reach of the door, where Virgil was now pawing furiously at the glass.
He moved like an old man now, every movement a balance and counterbalance, all the usual motions left reeling with the extra soul living alongside his. Logically, it wasn't a physical weight, but a spiritual heaviness. His human body could translate it no other way, though, leaving him slow, very careful with each movement, as if his skin had been stretched out over a new shape, just barely able to allow the transformation. Kaworu smiled, at the strange, new sensation - he enjoyed change.
The puppy shoved his nose into the crack of the door as the pale-haired man opened it, bounding out happily into the small, fenced-off yard. Kaworu shut it, turning back toward the bed. Virgil would be all right for hours...
//You didn't really think this through, though, did you?//
/I had no time. I had to act./
//You can barely move, though, this way... there are very real things you need to consider. Food, rent...//
He dropped the thought, pressing his hand to his chest at an almost painful push, a more immediate problem - Shinji, testing his new boundaries? Unconsciously pushing out against -
It was more complicated than that. Awakening, and sooner than he had anticipated. Kaworu felt a bubbling up of confusion, not his own...
//...?! ... w-what..?//
He managed to make it to the bedroom doorway, braced himself against the frame at another twist - inside, outside - it seemed more than capable of tearing everything apart. Kaworu closed his eyes, it was easier to navigate in the darkness - reaching out to that small, bewildered, beloved presence deep inside.
//Shinji.//
/Kaworu?!/ He smiled again, at the happiness that accompanied the thought, though it was diffused in confusion and a growing anxiety. /Kaworu... where... I.../
//It's all right, Shinji.// He willed an embrace, gentle and soothing, but nothing more, to frighten Shinji now would only be disaster. //You're safe. I've just done... something.//
/It... I feel strange. What...?/ Kaworu gritted his teeth, it was still not painful, but amazingly unusual, feeling Shinji try to orient himself, more and more alarmed by the unfamiliar.
/Kaworu... where am I?/
He allowed the other man his panicked fumblings, better for Shinji to find out, when restraint would only make that fear worse - and he could feel the moment when it was no longer his hand clenching the doorway, when he opened his eyes and felt the incomprehensible shock, Shinji staring at his own body, sprawled on the bed.
/... k-kaworu?/
The fear piled together instantly - shock on top of panic on top of shock - Shinji edging closer to a fright that would be dangerous for them both - /me that's me that's me... how - how can that be me?!/
//You were sick. You were wounded, and the Dominion was going to kill you, so I... took your spirit, into my own. Into my body, to save your life.//
The pause was the longest of Kaworu's life, longer even than when he had been held in the Eva's amazingly gentle grasp, asking Shinji to make the worst of all possible choices, one that was really no choice at all. He waited - if Shinji couldn't... if he panicked, when this strange solution was already such a difficult thing to manage...
/Am I... dead?/
//No.// Kaworu let out a slight sigh, smiling in quiet relief, moving across the room, back to the bed. Shinji had released his hold over the angel's body at the first step, giving Kaworu the unique feeling of being watched over one's shoulder, from inside his mind. The pale-haired man shed the robe he had pulled on, happy to return to the warmth of the bed, the pleasant embrace he had longed for, even in paradise.
Emotion - confusion, alarm, amazement - shivered beneath his skin, burning slow and flickering like fireflies, as Shinji watched Kaworu's hand against his own arm, felt the pale-haired man's appreciation for that touch - and the angel moved closer as the pilot stared incomprehensibly at his own discarded body.
/I don't understand, Kaworu./
//It cannot hurt you anymore. The Dominion cannot change a body without a soul, and so it will vanish, and your soul and your body will both be safe, and whole... and you can return.//
He expected the next pause, expected the question, ached for the pain that made Shinji's entire soul tremble.
/... what if I don't want to return?/
----------------------
He was touching her. Asuka frowned, watching the scientist's fingers, covered in some kind of gel, sliding along her upper thigh. She should have... it wasn't... The red-haired woman nearly snarled, only an inexplicable force of will keeping her from tearing her hair out as she tried - memories came, of pushing away, lashing out, somehow this wasn't right...
It didn't seem necessary now, though, to scream at him, but perhaps it still was, and either way, there would have been a time when she would have. It hurt, that was what really mattered, it hurt, and the memories refused to stay. Lae finally noticed she was watching him, the slightest hint of a blush creeping into his cheeks, his scientific side suddenly reminded of where he was touching her, that he might remember to be a bit uncomfortable about it.
"Er... the gel I'm using here, on your legs, it will help with the conductivity between you and the suit, all right?" He paused, but she was still fighting with the demons, the past, eyes flashing as she struggled for an evasive truth. "Asuka? Miss Soryuu, are you all right?"
"She's fine." Misato's low voice nearly made him jump, as she moved past him, brushing a few strands of red hair back behind Asuka's ear. The young woman didn't seem to notice her touch, still gazing straight ahead, her eyes not dull but somehow piercing, raptly attentive to something he could not see. "She gets like this sometimes. It usually passes after a few minutes."
He watched the older woman for far too long, her hand pressed comfortingly against Asuka's back, the determined set of her chin that seemed to be her only real expression. He watched her until she turned back to him, and he couldn't excuse himself merely by looking away.
"It must have been difficult, looking after her all this time by yourself."
"We managed." The tone of her voice threatened unspeakable violence if he dared to ask again. Lae forced himself not to wince, backing away slightly. He thought he heard one of the other scientists snicker, but didn't have the nerve to look.
"I suppose, if you want, I could show you the suit, while Asuka's being fitted for the neural outlay."
"Neural outlay?"
"The secondary body suit. It will help to make the right connections between her body's electrochemical impulses and the suit itself." Funny, how eloquent he could be when talking shop. "If everything goes as it should, it will make it, so she can walk again."
Misato followed him, as he walked toward the other room, but hesitated near the door, sparing a glance back at the red-haired girl, still sitting on the table.
"We'll only be next door. It will be all right, they'll take good care of her."
"Is that what you told Shinji?"
The back of his throat ached with the taste of hot metal, and though Lae swallowed hard, twice, but could not rid himself of it. Misato had been dead silent on the subject of the Tiphereth's pilot, ever since he had told her what had happened. He should have been expecting this long ago.
//Me, though... why the hell do /I/ get to be the one to do this.//
He was too cowardly to try and explain, to say anything, and instead let the silence lapse on itself, until he no longer needed to say anything.
Geburah rested on a human-sized dummy beneath the halogen lights - he had a moment of déjà vu, remembering when he had been here with Toby, and Shinji Ikari, testing Tiphereth... and all that had come after. He could think of nothing to say, no way to make introductions, and so didn't, just raised a hand as they approached it. "Here she is."
"It's ugly because its beautiful... because it's necessary." Misato murmured, trailing her fingers lightly across the burnished red chest plate, over the golden letters laying over the heart, spelling out its name. "I never wanted to see something like this again. I never wanted this to happen again."
"We have to stop the Dominions, though." He spoke softly, afraid to interrupt her private pain. Misato did not look at him, but started to move around, looking at the suit, just as Shinji had, not all that long ago.
"How many are left?"
"Two. Muriel and Zadkiel. We don't know when they could show up, and since..." He paused at the threshold of a horrible mistake.
//"... and since Shinji's dead, we were worried one would show up, before we had a backup plan."//
"We're all very grateful for you, for this, Major Katsuragi."
"No, don't, don't do that. Don't treat me as if I had any say, as if /I'm/ going to be the one to suffer for this... just don't."
The woman balled a fist, but let it fall lightly against the suit's shoulder, hand pressing against it for a moment, gaze rapt, willing it all to go away.
"Is there anything I should know about this suit? I received those blueprints, and a few explanations, but nothing I couldn't have figured out on my own. Is there anything you want to tell me?"
She looked up, and Lae very nearly went through the floor. Amazingly, her eyes had not changed, still that same storm cloud hue, even under the garish halogen bulbs. He opened his mouth, but his tongue felt like paper, cheeks dry and thin, and he closed it again without saying a word.
"Are you all right?" The blunt question finally shook him from his daze.
"Yes. Yes, fine. The suit... you wanted to know, about the suit." He stepped forward, hands moving across the carapace, the joints between armor and the softer second skin without his direction, his input unnecessary. He had done this so many times, his fingers knew every inch of the suit by memory. Now, Lae did it merely out of comfort, out of knowing he looked better when it seemed as if he were doing something important.
"We've made it stronger and faster than Tiphereth, by 5 and 7 percent, respectively. The weapons include a short-range EMP device - we discovered electricity worked very well against the first Dominion - and two prog knives, one at each shoulder blade. I was very impressed, watching Asuka's fight against the Angel at sea. We had all of those tapes on file, so that I could design the suit just for her."
Misato said nothing, and he could only skip so many beats in the conversation before he had to press on.
"The most important difference, besides the neural outlay, lies within these cords, anchored to the back, that come out through the arms." He lifted one limb of the suit, revealing the small bore. "The EMP pulse can be directed through them, and they can also be used for physical attacks. Like a whip, they can go through a steel I-beam without difficulty, concrete... or they can be used to immobilize, or tear..."
It was a horrible wish, but he was still angry that Cate had not made his presence known, leaving all of this up to him.
//Until he appears, just in time to tell her something that will make her lose all faith in me.// He frowned, adamantly denying that possibility. He would not make the same mistakes Toby had, he wouldn't allow it.
"We've fixed a few... errors... in the suit. At extremely high levels of stress, when the suit loses all power, the webbing beneath the armor tends to become rather brittle, but we've added a few new coatings of-"
"Physical or mental stress?"
"Excuse me?"
Misato raised an eyebrow, obviously unsure why she had to repeat herself. "You said the suit breaks down at extremely high levels of stress. Is that physical stress, or mental?"
"I... I'm not sure."
More importantly, he couldn't tell, because at the time Shinji had been thrown into a nightmare of both - and Lae had helped put him there.
"Major Katsuragi," Lae looked up toward the ceiling, keeping his voice very low. "Tiphereth was equipped with an electric shock device... inside the suit, without the chief engineer's knowledge. A way to keep the pilot... to keep Shinji Ikari in line. I've gone over every inch of this suit, several times, to assure the same does not happen to Geburah. There will be no talk of using the Dominion's power as an offensive weapon." He grimaced slightly, shame turning his voice to rough gravel.
"I assure you, the suit did not fail Shinji Ikari. We did."
"We." He couldn't tell whether any of his words had made an impact or not, Misato's voice was as toneless as ever. "Where is the chief engineer of Tiphereth? A... Doctor Kent, was it?"
"Toby's..." Lae frowned, searching for the words. He was bad with even partial lies. "... been assigned to other projects."
"Such as figuring out what you'll have to do, if Asuka can't do this."
"Oh, that's very simple, Major. We pray."
----------------------------------
Kaworu could sense the girl's approach, she did nothing to hide it. He slowly opened his eyes, gazing into a world with no borders, no time... a figure, slowly emerging from the blurred horizon. The pale-haired angel knew what she would ask of him before he could see her - in many ways, they were much the same.
"Hello, First."
"Hello, Fifth." Rei knelt before him, hands clasped delicately over her knees. The pale-haired man's position was very similar to the one his human body was in - somewhere, some other time - the loose sprawl, laying against Shinji. "I would like to see him."
"He doesn't want you here."
Flat, red eyes revealed nothing, she did not shift positions. "I know that. I want to see him."
Kaworu shrugged lazily, his smile contented, amused.
Rei frowned slightly. "You can't possibly desire this. Is this the end you truly sought to gain?"
His hand lifted, lightly touching his bare chest.
"It isn't about what I want, it never was. What he wants, that is what I want."
"It isn't what you want."
"It is enough."
"You are planning, whatever you are trying to do..."
"Being with him is all I want. You know that it's true."
Rei's pale red eyes - exactly the same color as his own, and much the same color as the world around them - narrowed, finally glancing away from Kaworu. She leaned back against her heels, hand coming up to half-twist, half-smooth a lock of hair, a gesture she did not know wasn't her own, only one of many borrowed from Yui Ikari, a sign, when woman had been particularly tense.
"Let me see him."
"Should I?"
"I will wait here until you do."
Kaworu shrugged again, and turned away - the space between them rippled, shivering, red melting red in this unique space - and Shinji slept peacefully before her, more at peace than she had ever seen him in the real world.
"Shinji." Rei knew better than to touch him, the lines it wasn't worth considering trying to cross. "Wake up, Shinji."
He roused slowly, his blue eyes dreamy, drowsy as he stretched slightly, blinking - slowly looking up at her.
"Rei." He yawned, her name nearly incomprehensible in his cotton-stuffed voice. "He told me you'd come." Shinji watched her for a long moment, longer than he ever had in life, and finally smiled. "It's good to see you again. How are you?"
"You cannot do this, Shinji."
The dark-haired man smiled, tucking an arm beneath his head, gazing up at her. "I am, though."
"You can't stay here."
"I can, Rei." He spoke patiently, as if explaining to a small child. "Kaworu said I could... he said..." Shinji stretched, eyes shifting as he smiled again, at something beside him she could not see. "It's all I've ever wanted. It doesn't hurt, nothing hurts. I'm not alone. I never have to worry, that I'll hurt him, say something to hurt him because I don't understand... I don't have... it's so warm here, Rei. It's so warm."
"It's disgusting."
The atmosphere was heavy here, the angel's presence saturating even the air - she was only here because he had allowed it, she could sense that, and the amusement, sliding along the air like a gentle wind. Kaworu's? Shinji's? Was there even a distinction now?
He was smiling. "You can't hurt me with that anymore. It doesn't hurt... I don't have to be..."
"Shut up." Rei clenched her fists tightly against her knees, longing to slap him as she had once before, although she feared it would make no difference. "You are still Shinji Ikari. You are not a part of an angel, you are not -"
"... should I be the way you are, Rei?" It stopped her short, he was watching her closely now. "Where have you been, all this time?"
"Time... no..." Rei studied the inside of her wrist as if the lines on her skin could map out the conversation. "No, there isn't time here." The girl studied her own body, still every bit a child, and at the same time not at all. A faint smile, at least the attempt, darted across her face. "I was... surprised, to see you like this."
"My father never loved you."
It wasn't a question, or an accusation, but hollow with revelation long overdue. Shinji blinked, his body wavering in the depths of this hazy red reality, becoming more real, more his own. "He never loved you... and he left you here. He went alone or - to find mother."
Rei's expressionless nature still could not keep that moment of sorrow from her eyes, what it had been to be so easily cast away.
"I was an Eva pilot - a vessel, and what I contained, that was what mattered... to him. I was... a fortified memory, like a photo in a picture frame. I was not necessary for him, not here."
"He left you. He died, and you died, and he left you here."
"Yes."
Rei felt a moment of indignant anger rise and fall inside of her, as she remembered the mistake she had often made, thinking Shinji's silence was the means to some end, but he was not his father, had never been so. The way he studied her was like a blind man gently making a path through the darkness, uncertain of everything, but not as hesitant as he had once been, not now, studying her surrounded by such protection.
"Who are you, then, Rei?"
"All of them. Pieces of her. Pieces of... I'm not sure. I still don't know. I don't think I'll ever know."
Shinji said nothing, looking down, eyes closed - she could tell when he was talking to Kaworu, the way he relaxed, the smile she never remembered seeing coming so easily to him. It hadn't been a black and white decision, to come here, to confront him, and it was in this moment that Rei doubted herself most of all, that she was doing the right thing.
Blue eyes gazed into her own, calm and steady, and the dark-haired man held out a hand.
"You can come with me, Rei, if you'd like. You can be a part... of this, of us, with me?"
She didn't rebel, didn't scramble back in repulsion. It was impossible to get angry at such an honest gesture, the offer of his half-curled, open hand, the cobalt earnesty - how had he survived their shared past, how had Gendo Ikari not stripped all of this from Shinji long ago?
An open heart, and she could not keep her hand from raising, could only barely stop it from meeting his - the promise he offered, no longer being the pieces of a girl, the fragments of both mundane and holy, how kind - and when she let her hand fall, Rei was unsure how much of it was for herself, and how much rested in the fear that she might disturb something in their communion, that her own flaws might cost Shinji his peace.
"I would like to speak to Tabris. Please."
He nodded slightly, drawing his hand back up near his chest, giving her one last look, a final smile before he closed his eyes. Rei watched the shape waver, melting from man to angel.
//I hope you truly have found peace.//
"He has." Rei looked up at the soft words, startled into silent anger. She would not be angry at Shinji but this angel was not him. Not yet, at least.
"Let him go. You know this isn't right. Look at me, look at what I am, what happened when the commander couldn't let go of me, couldn't let go of his wife - this isn't the way it's supposed to be."
"Gendo Ikari couldn't love him either. Is /that/ the way it's supposed to be? Is that the world I should relinquish him to?" A soft question, not a challenge, but Kaworu could be so threatening with simple interest. "Why couldn't you join us... join him?"
"You already know the answer. I can't explain, but I /know/ you hesitated, before you did this. I know you know why this is wrong." Clenching her fists against her thighs, Rei slowly rose, unsure of what she had accomplished but hopeful, somehow sure it had not been entirely in vain.
//It was good to see him again.//
"Take care of him, Tabris. I..." The pause was unexpected, coming from her. "I just want you to let him live the life he's won."
"It hurts him, you know. It hurts him, to imagine you wandering out there alone. He doesn't believe you'll find what you're searching for."
Rei smiled for Shinji, and spoke for the angel, hoping Kaworu could make Shinji understand, give him some sense of peace.
"God is everywhere. I'm never alone."
"Goodbye, First."
"Goodbye, Kaworu."
-----------------------------
He stirred slightly, blinking crimson eyes as he came back into the real world. Shinji did not awaken this time, as he made his way slowly across the room, over the small living room to the door. Virgil bounded in happily, nails skittering across the floor before he turned and yapped twice, eagerly demanding a snack.
It still took a long time to move, his body so burdened by the double soul. He would not be able to fight the next Dominion like this... though that didn't matter so much anymore, not with Shinji already safe inside, already connected. Whatever happened, if things stayed as they were, the angel could not lose.
He wondered if Rei even understood how far the dark-haired pilot had gone, how far Shinji was willing to go - how little he cared about returning to the real. It was only the angel's own refusal to absorb Shinji's spirit, meld them completely that kept it from happening. Shinji didn't care - if anything, he welcomed it, Kaworu could feel that contentment and peace, rare and cherished... and remembered the moment of blinding panic, at the thought that it might go away.
//Was she right, though, Shinji? Is this wrong?//
He had returned to bed, Virgil still gnawing loudly on his afternoon meal, and Kaworu gently traced the curve of Shinji's bare thigh, fingertips barely grazing the soft skin, up past his waist, down one arm to weave their fingers together. So amazing, these Lillim were so complex, so beautiful. The body beneath his touch was just so much flesh and bone, though, like a setting without a stone, without the intricate soul he loved so deeply. Shinji was a part of him, now, but it simply wasn't the same.
//Aren't there some nice things, about an unpredictable world? Having a body... being separate?//
/Alone./
//An individual?//
/Alone./
//Unique?//
/Alone./
The word was punctuated by a flood of memories - the wonder of their short time together, the agony of discovering Kaworu was an enemy. The nightmare past bearing, to have to be the one to kill him. It was past bearing, but the horror continued, as he had not stopped living, somehow he had gone on into a peaceful, silent future - the world he had allowed to continue existing was unreachable to him.
It was the reality of all of mankind, each man an unchanging island, each problem unsolvable, because there was never a connection, no way to make one, no way to be a part of something greater than one's own petty existence.
/Alone. Alone. Alone./
//Shhh... I'm here now, Shinji. You don't have to leave, I won't force you, not ever. You will never have to be alone again.//
The promise was a soothing one, and Kaworu could feel Shinji relax, his own body losing a bit of acquired tension, and he moved closer to the man's unmoving body, lifting a hand to his dark hair, enjoying the feathery softness on the pads of his fingers.
The new scars were all gone now, all those invisible wounds on ego and psyche had mended long ago. The old scars, though, all that Shinji had acquired, all that had been done to him... Kaworu couldn't heal those scars, couldn't do anything but give Shinji an easy way out, a place to hide. He had expected this, though it still saddened him, was not exactly as he wanted things to be. The angel sighed, tucking his head against the crook of Shinji's neck.
//... there are nice things about touch, Shinji. About the pleasure of being one's own. I don't know... I don't know what I should do.//
/Kaworu?/ Shinji's murmur rustled softly in his mind, sleepily confused, concerned by his nearly pensive observations. /Kaworu.../
Concern, concern for him barely tinged with fear for himself, and shame at that fear, and anger at that shame. Kaworu watched the echoes ripple, an endless echo of concentric circles as one worried thought tipped Shinji into a quiet, bitter introspection. He was always amazed, that Lillim could manage much at all, much less all that they had achieved, bringing beauty into the world with souls so full of scars and doubts and fears.
//It's nothing, Shinji. I'm just... you are so beautiful.//
He was content, for now, to just breathe, feeling the radiant glow of Shinji's contentment and joy, glowing inside of him like a votive candle, his angel's soul in perfect resonance with that heart of glass.
//So beautiful.// Only one voice echoed the words, only one needed to.
---------------------
How could she be doing this, when she wasn't even sure it was going to make things better?
Toby had been asking herself that, and still hadn't come up with an answer she could live with. It wasn't as if she'd been naively working for the 'forces of evil' all this time, that she'd just now realized the error of her ways, and expected nothing but praise and warm greetings from the true heroes when she defected.
The U.N. might not believe her. Or they might immediately call up Cate for more information, which would certainly lead to her death. Hell, there was no reason to suspect he wasn't watching her, hadn't sent some car to tail her, or tapped her phones. It was also likely that the U.N. would dispose of her themselves, that either they knew and were using Cate for their own purposes, or wouldn't have any use for her once they'd learned what she knew.
It didn't matter, really, she felt worse than dead anyway. It had been days since she'd slept - unable to close her eyes for even a full minute - not bothering to eat except when she got light headed, the world gone monochromatic and unreachable, and meaningless.
Lae had told her, when they'd been unable to find Shinji's body, when all searches had come up empty. She hadn't reacted then, hadn't been surprised, hadn't felt much of anything. It didn't really matter, all she had done to Shinji simply the flashpoint event, one that had burned everything else out of her - the sense that this world was real, that she had done what she knew she had, everything. Queen Macbeth had found a kindred spirit in her, though Toby knew was more afraid of death, what judgment would await her there, than she ever could be of the stains on her hands.
"Miss Kent, please come with us."
She had parked her car across the ramp from the black van, composing herself calmly as she was escorted inside, four men surrounding her, as if carried something more dangerous than what she knew, who she could testify against - although if there had ever been a case, when knowledge was dangerous enough.
It had been nothing to keep on a mask of calm at NERV, to perform what was really no more than an autopsy on Tiphereth, backup tasks to help Geburah perform better. Nothing of any great worth, she was no longer necessary. Hopefully, that meant Cate had stopped watching.
It was too short a trip to the building, too few steps down the hallway that opened on an interior conference room, no windows, no other doors except for the two that the men in black suits shut behind her. Toby gazed straight ahead, quietly taking note of the men and women gathered around the u-shaped table, remarkable only for their stunning similarity, the fixed look of the bureaucrat. A man just left of center held a ballpoint pen in both of his meaty hands, and leaned forward, staring at her over his small, round glasses. She realized it would be her only cue to speak.
"My name... is Tobias Kent. I wonder if many of you don't know more about me than I do." The small attempt at humor fell completely flat, and she gladly let it go. "I'm here because you haven't been given all the information, and I know because /I/ haven't been given all the information." A deep breath was more comfort than she knew she deserved.
"We called it Tiphereth..."
======================
Author's Notes -
1. Tried to fix an error a friend pointed out in an earlier chapter. Maybe I should have just switched to the prog blade, but then Toby might have sneezed and accidentally sliced Shinji's arm off. *shrug* oh well.
2. I'd like to think Rei isn't too out of character. Of course, I'd also like to think I'll someday be emperor of the world. Oh well.